Stars ?

I maintain that New Zealand should not be allowed a tv show called "Danicing with the Stars".
By law it should be named "Dancing with the sad minor celebs".
Less catchy, I know, but far more honest.

I also assert that no country should be allowed a new "Whatever-Nation Idol" until the old one is DEAD.

I have spoken !

Why I love my job

In so far as you can ever love a job - I love the job I have. Mainly it's the place. I may have said this before, but the school I work at is a freaking AMAZING school. It really is. Seriously - I could not go back to the schools I started at. I am a hot-house flower now n... I would wither and die in those environments. Or mutate and destroy all around me.

But it's the weird things that happen over in the Performing Arts department which are really something. Take for example this phone conversation I heard my HOD have with the HOD of P.E. :

"Hi, is that the gym ?
...
Hey - good morning guys ! I wonder if you could do me a favour ?
...
Yeah - do you have any hula hoops ?
...
You do ? Great - can we borrow some ?
...
Oh - about 20 ? 25 ?
...
How long ? It's hard to say - we're using them to make some giant squid tentacles, so it might be awhile ..."

The one later when we'd had a run through with said tentacles where he was calling auto places looking for around 40 inner tubes we could use for the suckers was equally surreal.

You gotta love that !

I feel I haven't said anything for a while...

I blame Fallout 3.

It's delightfully addictive.

There's something blissfully hypnotic of seeing a Super-Mutant's head explode off their shoulders in a mess of bone and ripped flesh, seeing their bodies rag-doll an a cartwheeling arc.

How I laugh.

I've racked up a bunch of trophies now so I should be able to write more now.

I've still got the school production, teaching and fatherhood to syphion off my time.

I'll do my best.

In Angelo news - the little guy is pretty much walking now. He's gone from two steps three weeks ago, to over twenty today ! Yay !

First word ?

I was minding Angelo while he was having a bath - and he had managed to haul himself up and was clinging to the side of the tub. Viv came in from the backdoor with some dry washing and Angelo saw her come in. Then he said 'hello' !

It SOUNDED very much like 'hello' anyway. It was more a 'heh-wooah' if you wanted to be technical - but it was pretty amazing none the less ! He said it again the next morning too !

Unofficial first word perhaps ? :-)

Top 5 Angelo induced injuries

I've been rather boring of late. I've been spending most of my time either hanging out with / looking after / trying to entertain Angelo, or battling nature in the terraced yard behind the house ( believe me - a HUGE undertaking ... ).

So - in an effort to be interesting, here is at least a vaguely amusing kiddy related thing. The awful ways in which Angelo has sought to harm his dada.

5. Full-on, Hollywood styled, sfx : rump steak slapped on marble table top, slap in the face.

4. Punch to the throat.

3. Back-hand upper punch to the right eye.

2. Alphabet block smashed into head.

and at number one, a tie !

1. Double foot stomp to the groin / 'brain-buster' falling head-butt to the groin.

I really can't work out which was worse. They both hurt pretty damn bad.

Still - at least he didn't give me carpal tunnel syndrome ...

What goes on in his head ?

Viva went to the supermarket to get something and took Angelo along for the ride. She told me that when they were in the checkout there was a little girl ahead of them in line who had the hiccups.

Apparently this struck Angelo as being hilariously funny, and he was laughing his head off every time she hiccuped !

I wish I'd seen it !

Which were worse ?

Ewoks or gungans ?

By a hair - I'd say gungans. But it's a close run thing. MIGHTY close ...

Singular or plural ?

Advert for a bar I heard on the radio today :

" ... and make sure you come on down on weeknights for our daily Happy Hour - 4pm till 6pm !"

Tee hee !

Star Wars Alphabet Set !!!

V is for Ventress !!!




H is for Hutt !!!

Sweet jumping chilli bean !! This alphabet set is freaking amazing !! How can I get a set for Angelo's room ? Hell - how can I get one for MY room !!!

The Nature of Grudges

I was doing a lot of yard-work today. Much of it was pruning back errant branches of rogue trees. I'm not normally one for work in the great-out-doors, but you know what really makes a difference ? A MP3 player ! I've been listening to audio books and all sorts while I've been waring war on our little section of mother nature. It's been great !

So I was loading new music and sound files onto it this morning before the great attack, and while sifting through my music library, I chanced on 'Under the Pink' by Tori Amos, which I had not listened to for AGES. I started up 'Cornflake Girl' and 'The Wrong Band' and 'Icicle' and 'Yes Anastasia'. Great songs - but it took me back to, oddly enough to a much darker time.

I listened to 'Under the Pink' and 'Little Earthquakes' almost continually after a particularly bad break-up I went though. The songs are now faintly water-marked with that time, even after all these years. Jeesh - how long now ? Dum-de-dum ... over 15 years I think.

One of the worst things about the whole deal was that I had a MAJOR falling out with a friend / flatmate back then. He started going out with said ex-girlfriend within the space of a couple of days. There were great feelings of betrayal folded into the whole stew of the collapsing relationship. It was very bad. I was not a happy guy at that time.

Still, time goes by and tends to heal wounds of these sorts. But while I eventually did the 'forgive - forget' combo with the girl in question, I NEVER did that with the former friend/flatmate.

I have friends who are friends with him, and they have said things to me like 'Hey - that guy, he's a decent bloke !' and 'He's sorry, y'know' and 'It was YEARS ago Seraph ! Let it go !'.

And to be fair - they have various correct points to their arguments.

But they forget some pretty important things about me I think.

First and foremost - I am, no matter how I appear, Italian. And Italians know a thing or two about holding a grudge. Particularly my particular clan. In contrast to some members of my family - I am viewed as being rather too forgiving,
It's a genetic thing. It's not that I particularly WANT to feel the way I feel about the guy But I cannot help it - I feel physically ILL when I am anywhere near the guy. Thankfully, even though I believe he's still kicking around Wellington somewhere, our paths haven't crossed for a few years now - and now the season of 'Stag Nights' have ground to an end, I doubt I'll see him again. I don't think our mutual friends are dumb enough to invite us both to the same events anymore.

And second - some things you just can't forgive. No matter how much you would like to. And yes - it's just as damaging to you as it is to the other person - and you KNOW that, and you still can't.

Sigh. All this from listening to Tori Amos.

I'm not particularly sure when I'm going with any of this - it's just been playing on my mind all day and I felt like saying it.

If I had 10 million dollars ...

a) I would build a house with secret passages and secret rooms. I don't care WHAT Viv says about it - it would be seriously cool !

b) I'd buy a decommissioned missile silo and turn it into an 'evil genius' lair. There would be go-go dancers. Somehow.

c) I'd fill the Karori public swimming pool with jelly. Lime flavor - naturally.

What would you do ?

Downers of 2008

5. PC woes

My PC died early in the year. The hard-drive suffered some kind of aneurism and died, and the road to getting it back was paved with despair. There were so many problems and crap – from the technicion putting the wrong RAM in it to no sound output. Definitely a pain.

4. Missing out on some things.

The arrival of Angelo, wonderful though it is, does mean that a few things have been sacrificed on the alter of parenthood. I missed not being in the 48 hour film comp this year, and more-so my Tuesday night RPG group. Ah well.

3. Making mistakes in the order of units in my senior drama class and the subsequent heart-stopping panic for 8 weeks.

Yeah – the less said the better. It all worked out in the end. Whew

2. Actually producing the school production films.

It was fun and I learned a lot – but it was a pretty merciless grind.

1. Still having problems with my leg.

It’s over a year now and my right leg / knee isn’t yet 100%. The weight-gain from reduced exercise hasn’t been nice either.

The Top 10 of 2008

10. Discovering ‘Death Cab for Cutie’
I just don’t tend to find new music that I actually like – so discovering a whole new BAND that makes some really great music is quite a thing !

9. Discovering ‘Old Man’s War’ by John Scalzi
I tend to discover great books a little more often – and this was a seriously good find ! I had never heard of John Scalzi before, but people were talking about him on the ‘Boing Boing’ site and raving about his first book ‘Old Man’s War’. So I figure, what the heck ?
OutSTANDING story !
A cross between ‘Starship Troopers’ and ‘Cocoon’ – hilarious, sad, action packed and thought provoking. Read it at ONCE ! That’s a order !!!

8. Ran my ‘Resident Evil’ version of “The Mountain Witch” RPG at Kapcon.
Didn’t win any prizes – but the game seemed to go down well !

7. Seeing Bill Bailey live in concert.
My face hurt for hours afterwards !

6. Did a good painting !
‘Alchemy II’ for Dave. I really liked how it turned out.

5. Artwork I did for Hix’s game.
Now he only has to actually produce the product …

4. Acted in a version of “The Four Yorkshiremen” sketch.
At the school variety concert. I was the character that had the last monologue ( was killed by parents who than danced on the grave singing hallelujah ) . Good fun !

3. Renovating the spare room.
Took awhile – but done BEFORE bubba arrived – and it wasn’t half bad into the bargain.

2. Finishing the film productions for school.
Never have I been happier to finish something.

And, at number one, it should come as no surprise …

1.The birth of Angelo.
Which carries with it many wonderful moments of joy !

A late gift

Well - I don't know about you, but I find this whole parenthood thing does muscle in on my blogging time rather significantly.

Here's a late Christmas gift for you.

What? I shouldn't have ? Oh come now ! Nothing is too good for you !

If you're like me - then you like stories read aloud. So then audio books are pretty groovy things ! I discovered in my meanderings though the interwebs a trio of podcast sites which cater to specific forms of short fiction, all three of the genres being particular favorites.

First - science fiction. Escape pod is the one for you. I recommend the Union Dues stories. They are very cool ( if pretty dark ) superhero tales.

Second - horror. Pseudopod is the place to go. This was the first of the sites I found - with Boing Boing recommending "The Sloan Men" - which was pretty cool. I tend to find that the stories on Pseudopod are a little more hit and miss - but there are some really great ones there. I particularly recommend "The Skull-Faced Boy" - which is a great little zombie tale. Go listen to it now.

Third - fantasy. PodCastle awaits ! I've tended to enjoy the stories here slightly more than the others. You definitely should tune into "Cup and Table", which was the first Pod Castle story I heard - and I thought it was one of the best Hold Grail stories I've heard.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I have been !

Fictional slang

Okay - serious question.

What would be the slang term that super-powered teens would call those that had the power of flight ? In a , say, post-apocalyptic world ?

Or super-strength ? Speed ? Energy manipulation ?

Best I've come up with is 'zip' for a speedster - but I'm not sure it's something a teen would say.

Typical. I'm surrounded by them everyday, but the way teens think is still freaking alien to me.

Sage Advice

So I'm finished. Finished those bloody films.

Thank the gods ! Thank Krishna ! Thank Allah ! Thank Mohammed ! Thank Buddha ! Thank Hastur ! Thank Ishtar ! Thank every freaking god in the book ! My long and arduous journey is at an end... *sob*

Here is a short list of advice of what to do if you ever plan making a film with teenagers.

1. Don't.
2. See 1. Seriously.
3. Okay - if you're going to do it - DON'T let them write it unless you know damn well they can write okay. And even then - be VERY careful about what you get them to write, lest they hand you three scripts in succession that the special character of your school ( and society in general ) will never let you put on screen. Have a CLEAR word / page limit - and enforce it with ruthless and cruel means ( set fire to their work if it's a single character over the limit would be my advice ).
4. Don't be a control freak about it. Force people to help you. At gunpoint if necessary.
5. Capture your footage as soon as you can. DO NOT lose tapes with valuable footage that took hours to do.
6. While editing - hit that control + S OFTEN. You don't want a sudden system crash to scrub away that sequence you've painstakingly edited over the last two hours.
7. Do NOT work with year 7 students. Not unless you want to have to do even the simplest shot about 13 to 17 times. Do not be fooled by their enthusiasm - they have NO idea what they're doing !
8. Do NOT write down the plans of how you will MURDER that little red-haired bastard who hassled you day in and out about WHEN you were going to start, and how MUCH he wanted to do things - and then a week after shooting when you needed the little punk to actually do something important he quits to play hockey. The legal system will take note of these things quite seriously if found,
9. Steal all the equipment and sell it on trade me before you begin. Use the money to buy to buy limited edition comics or something. Blame the red-haired kid and see if you can get him lynched.
10. Just don't do it ! Okay ? Trust me on this !

Right. Now I'm going to go and hit my head against a wall until I forget all about it...

Dude ! What gives ?

So - no post in over a month. I know what you're thinking :

"Ah Seraph - you slack gitt ! Stop lounging around on your mink chez-lounge, sipping mulled wine and nibbling on raspberry slice and write something to make me giggle !".

How I wish that were true.

In short - I have been receiving a right royal pummeling from both of my jobs ( daddy and teacher ). The production-film for school has been doing a REAL number on me. More later ( when I'm a few steps further away from insanity ).

Thanks to all those who sent / phoned / posted birthday wishes a month ago - it was really nice. Special mention to my ole pal Mark ! Sorry I wasn't home man ! I lost your number somewhere in my labyrinthine domain - gimmie another call some time !

Right - back to the madness. You're regularly scheduled show will return shortly ...

4th Anniversary

So Viva and I have now been married for 4 years ! Wow ! Where did that time go ??

I was in a bit of a dilemma coming into this one though - namely because of the gift. I am trying to go the traditional route with anniversary gifts - and so is Viva. Our first anniversary ( paper ) I got her tickets to something ( a show of some sort - damned if I can remember right now what it was... ), and she got me a book of the 'Indian Ink' play scripts. We both flagged the second anniversary gifts as cotton was too hard. The third anniversary gift ( leather ) was a nice pair of gloves from me ( I know what you're thinking - and the reason I didn't go for THAT idea was that I didn't get her measurements in time. You can't just get that stuff off the shelf y'know ! ). I received a pretty sharp belt ( not round the head either ! Tee hee ... ).

But the 4th anniversary ? Flowers and fruit. Hmmm.

Hard to get something really cool there. I mean - there's the obvious idea I guess, but who wants to be obvious ?

I was quite stumped. And then I had a odd ( and mildly disturbing ) dream. I was a student in this bizarre Tim Buton-esque school. I was in a science class of some sort - and a Goth girl student was having an argument with the crusty old professor about the chemical symbol for silver ( while a hulking, shaggy haired behemoth of a student was lurching around behind us - he had rope nooses instead of hands - which was the mildly disturbing part ).

'Silver!' one would shout - pointing at a symbol on the board.

'SILVER !' the other shouted back - pointing at a different symbol.

On and on it went until I woke up - crying out a strangled 'Silver!' myself !

And then it hit me - a silver charm bracelet ! I had seen these really cool 'Pandora' ones in the window of Pacific Jewelers in Johnsonville. I did some research on line to see if there were any fruit or flower charms, found that there were, and zapped in to get one !

Freaking genius !

Viva really liked it - and it has the bonus for me that I can now get OTHER charms as other gifts !! Everyone is happy !

Thanks strange and mildly disturbing dream !

( Viva got me a selection of fruit based sweets, and a bottle of apple wine - and freaking yummy they are too ! :-) )

Fathers day and Bill Bailey

This entry is mostly to answer Debbie's comment from the last post, seeing as she has been nice enough to be leaving them !

My first father's day was very nice indeed. I spent the lion's share of the day with Angelo - who had got me a lovely framed photograph of himself for a present ( got through his PA I think ). We had visits from friends for lunch - and Grandma and Grand-dad visited later on ( which, yet again, made doing any marking difficult - but screw it ! ).

The Bill Bailey concert / show / gig / whatever was very VERY funny - my face was hurting for a good hour afterwards and I think I damaged my friend's hearing. We had KILLER seats too ! We were three rows from the front, pretty close to the middle.
As is always the case with comedy - I remember very little about the show ! Why the hell is that ? Anyway - some of the funny things I remember him talking about were :

- England's potential opening ceremonies for their olympics, with a giant inflatable Winston Churchill dancing to a drum and bass 'God Save the Queen', and a robotic Queen shooting corgies from her neck
- His deep suspicion of joggers - who always find the bodies...
- A hilarious emo self-hurt song
- The Bucharest flag being two bears fighting over a pineapple ( which, I was sorry to discover, it isn't )
- An argument with various parts of his subconscious ( 'I control you!' 'No ! WE control YOU!!' )
- Satan singing Lionel Richie songs.
- How England's national anthem should be changed to "The Pink Panther"
- NZ's border patrol being obsessed with finding illicit potpourri

Laugh ? I almost died.

It was a nice break for Viva and me too - I think it might have been a little more scary for her to have been away from Angelo - but his aunt looked after him really well !

A great night out, and worth every cent of the ludicrously expensive tickets.

Sister and Babysitting

Here follows a transcript of a conversation between my sister and my father concerning the baby-sitting that she's going to do for us on Friday night so we can go and see Bill Bailey ( yay ! ) :

Dad - So ... I hear that you're going to baby-sit Angelo on Friday night.

Sis - Yup. It'll be fun.

Dad - ... Do you need any help ? I can come down you know - I should probably come down.

Sis - I've got it under control dad.

Dad - But, it's a baby - you haven't baby-sat before, have you ? I think I should come down.

Sis - I've baby-sat LOTS of times. I'll be fine.

Dad - But you might not be ! What if he needs changing ? Can you change him ? Have you even changed a baby before ?

Sis - Yeah. Loads. I'll be fine.

Dad - But ... um ... what if he starts crying ?

Sis - Oh, I'll just shake him until he stops.

Apparently a lot of conversations between my dad and sister end with my dad telling my sister to "Shut up!".

I wonder why.

Seraph's Questionable Take on World Events

Okay okay - so this hardly current in terms of events, but I've been mulling this over in my mind for a week or so and I wanted to get your take on this. Now, I'm hardly the most clued up on on the political scene of Europe or anything - but certain events there made me think of the computer game 'Civilization'.

Stay with me here.

Right - so when you're playing Civilization on easy ( and I hardly ever play on any other difficulty setting. I like to win ) and you're in the mid to end game zone, a peculiar thing often happens. You'll be advancing nicely, science and research are reaping healthy rewards. You've made many impressive monuments. The Church of Seraph-is-a-Groovy-Cat has throngs of worshippers and generally things are, y'know, quite peaceful.

And then you get an ambassador from some back-water nation demanding an audience. You graciously usher him into your palace to hear what he has to say.

"Hey!" he says "You have stuff we want ! Oil and gemstones and lumber and such ! Here is a stupidly unfair trading deal ! Give us heaps of your great stuff for our world-map !".

"But, o-honorable delegate from Retardostan" you patiently explain "We have already mapped the entire world. Whereas you have gone only twenty meters from your coast-line. I think I shall have to decline your offer, with the utmost respect to you and your proud ( if somewhat pig-headed ) people."

"Mwargh !" the ambassador shrieks "You suck ! Your country sucks ! We hate you now ! Give us twenty million euros or there'll be TROUBLE !!!!".

"I have no desire for war ! But I will NOT be giving you ANY Euros. Please leave now - and AS you return to Retardostan, you may wish to note the way the fusion-missile silo's the boys at the lab have knocked together in the last 10 years blend in cunningly with the natural beauty of Seraphi..."

The ambassador leaves, pausing only to hurl abuse at your bodyguards, shout something about 'diplomatic immunity' and 'oppressive yolk' and 'you'll be sorry'.

Later that month the glorious Crimson Legion of the proud nation of Retardostan - resplendent in their shining bronze armour, shaking their flintlock muskets above their visored heads, cross the mountain range separating your country from theirs on their trusty yak mounts. They throw themselves at the city walls of one of your weaker border cities singing their war-song "Death to the enemies of Retardostan - There will never be consequences for our actions !" in the full-throated manner so steeped in their rich military tradition.

The ECM Death-Commandos ( skull and crossed bones division ) on garrison duty there, armed with state of the art pulse-rifles, and aided by a few trusty marauder-class attack helicopters, easily hold off the attack - reducing the entire Glorious Crimson Legion to a finely textured squishy pulp.

Within a day your superior rail system has delivered ten units of stealth-tanks ( plus a few of the atomic powered mechs those boffins down in the labs suddenly got a whole lot of money to finish ) to the front lines.

Within three days you have crushed their pitiful armed forces and their border towns lie in ruin. The barded yak-steeds of the Retardostan army are simply no match for your gigantic robot and tank blitzkrieg.

Town by town, city by city - Retardostan begins to fall.

An emissary is sent to have talks with you.

"Hey you blood-thirsty monster ! You suck ! We hate you ! Even more ! But we're sick of having our arse handed to us by giant atomic robots !"

"Hey ! You freaking started this ! You attacked us ! We had a treaty and non-aggression pact ! What the hell ?" you state.

"But that was when we thought we'd win ! It's not fair that we're losing ! You suck so much for winning ! Bllleeerrrghhh !".

"Very well - I'll give you peace, but you'll hand over these three cities as a sign of good faith."

"WAAAAARRRGHHHHHH ! You unbelievable prick !! That's SO UNFAIR !!!! Gosh - how we HATE you !!"

"Look - it's up to you. Either you give me those cities, or I take over your entire country, you flipping dick-head !" you respond.

"Grumble grumble ... mutter mutter hate you mutter ... grumble alright ..."

"What was that? Did you just agree to have peace ? Did you ?"

"Grumle grumble ... YES .... ( gods we so totally hate you we hate you so much ! We hate you a whole DUMP-TRUCK full of hate ... hate you Seraphi ... think you're so cool with your running water and trousers ... )"

And so you have peace ( until Retardostan inexplicably attacks you again out of the blue and their memory is purged from the history books forever ).

That seems to happen all the time in Civ.

Now - is it JUST me, or did something not too dissimilar to that happen in real life recently ?

Like I said - NO understanding of Eastern Europe political situations. Just putting it out there.

* And big thanks to Jenni for telling me how a bunch of people of the State of Georgia in the US of A were wondering where all the Russian tanks were. I laughed and laughed.

A new low

So, I was running a warm-up exercise with my Y12 drama class this morning - and managed, in an exuberant show of energy, to punch myself right in the eye.

My students thought that was suitably hilarious.

It freaking hurt.

I blame Monday morning.

Things I have learnt about parenting #2

I never could have imagined how joyful a thing it is.

If you've known me for any length of time before becoming a parent, you'd know that I'd never been fond of babies. To be fair - I actively disliked / feared them. They were bewildering things which would decalcify your spine with their screams and expel vile matter on you from any number of orifices ( often simultaneously ! ).

During Viv's pregnancy I had pretty much steeled myself for a long, hard, grueling haul of care afterwards - and when the child was a couple of years old, THEN it would be a happy time.

I really didn't expect to be so attached to Angelo as quickly as I was ( instead of years - it was hours ). I had once ( internally ) scoffed at the talk of 'how amazing' a smile was from a baby. Now I know better.

It is hard at times ( it's awful when he cries and cries and CRIES and you don't know what's wrong or how to make him STOP... ), and certainly it's poor Viva who has to deal with more hard times than I.

But I miss him heaps when I'm at work.

And while, on some level, I am biologically hard-wired to feel this way at an evolutionary level - I really don't care.

I just feel very fortunate to have such a happy, healthy little guy.

*** Normal curmudgeonly transmissions will be restored for next post

Drawless Animation ?

Here's a 4-minute film school vid by Rob Schrab where he talks about drawless animation. It's pretty interesting stuff - mostly using green-screen techniques.

Crooked Teeth !

Don't you just LOVE discovering a cool new song? I was watching this thing about 'Drawless Animation" by Rob Schrab - and he talked about a video he did for a song by the Group 'Death Cab For Cutie' - which is also one of the best names for a band I've heard for awhile too.

I found it on YouTube - and proceeded to watch it about twenty times !



Fantastic stuff - and I SOOO want to make a wee film like this some time !!

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

If I EVER suggest / say / hint / communicate in anyway that doing a film project in a co-curricular way with kids at school is a good idea in future, you have my permission to dunk my head a barrel of piranha fish. HUNGRY piranha fish. Having fist glued a tomato flavored stetson onto me.

Classifying Angelo’s crying

In the last three months I have been learning to interpret the different kinds of crying that Angelo does. Hey – it passes the time when the poor little guy is crying ( far from a pleasant thing – but not as bad as I thought it would be ). Here are some of my findings, in order of severity :

The Houdini Grumble
Largely a thing of the past now. This was a regular when we were swaddling him before we put him to sleep. He didn’t seem to like his hands being restricted, and had an uncanny ability to wriggle out of the tightest of my swaddling ( until I was almost at the point of duct-taping him into a blanket ! ). The Houdini Grumble was the grunting exertion noises he made as he worked his way to freedom.


The Lah
Another one which seems to have largely passed now – though I’m not entirely sure why ! A cry indicating a moderate level of being upset, this was a series of short wails which would sound like he was saying ‘Lah!’. Would be almost cute, if he wasn’t feeling bad !


The Squeaky Lah
A more severe version of the Lah. The extra-loud expelling of the ‘Lah!’ would result in a sharp intake of breath, making a squeaky noise, so the overall effect sounded like ‘Lah ! Squeak ! Lah ! Squeak ! Lah ! Squeak!”. Like the Lah, seems to have gone ( for now – at least ).


The Black Lagoon Special
Angelo is getting pretty beside himself at the point of the BLS. He thrashes around making a lot of snorting / grunting sounds. He does sound a bit like a wee creature from the Black Lagoon ( hence the name – though in all honesty I can’t remember what noises the creature from the Black Lagoon made, if indeed it make sounds at ALL. Maybe


The Banshee
Baby def-con 2. Really just screaming. Not nice at all.


The Machine-gun
You can tell when Angelo is REALLY REALLY upset when you get to the machine-gun stage. This is a weird little stuttering that he does with the cry ( the side-benefit seems to be that it required more breathing power - so the actual noise level diminishes a little ... ), which sounds a bit like an uzi. Just as long as he doensn’t get HOLD of an uzi at these moments – I think we’ll be okay !

Bad Family Art Assignment

My good pal Hix is publishing his RPG 'Bad Family' ( formerly known as 'The Lucky Jones' ) and he asked me if I would help by contributing some art for it. Hey - I'm up for helping out a pal in a artistic way - and seeing as it was the holidays and I would have the necessary time, I was up for the challenge.

Seeing as Matt has put his contributions up ( and a fine collection of images they are too ), I thought I'd do the same.

Hix gave me a number of starter ideas to work from - and this is what I came up with :

1. A little girl being taunted by the tree she's scared of climbing.

I had initially worried that the tree looked a little too evil - but Hix had way more problems with the tree's non-pointing hand ( at first it was wrapped around it's tree-like belly ). Got it sorted in the end though !

2. A grandfather being pursued down the highway by cops, cars and helicopters

I had to change this to a grandmother as Matt had done a grandfather in a hi-tech wheelchair. I like the grandmother better !


3. A drunk mother trying to deliver a lecture to her kids

I went for only the one kid. I thought the sermon on the horrors of soda-pop while wasted out of your head was a nice ironic touch.

I fair degree of work here, but time well spent I think ! Hix liked 'em I think, and I'm looking forward to seeing them in print !

So the Prophecy was true...

You heartless bastards ! You can't do this to me ! I have a child now ! A CHILD !!!

( Now it this post should make a lot more sense ! Thanks to Jenni and my Mum for pointing out that the picture had vanished ! Jeesh ... )

Groan...

I have never been so consistently tired in my life.

I am so behind in everything.

It's report season at school.

I am almost single-handedly running the school film production ( THAT was a great idea ... ).

And yet - when I sit down with my wee boy, bounce him on knee and he smiles / gurgles / laughs - it is all worth it.

Think about the logistics !

It was probably not the best thing for my sleep-deprived mind to see, but you really owe it to yourself to watch this brain-mangling piece of animation I just saw on BoingBoing. It is just amazing. I hate to think of how long it would have taken to do ...

In other news - Angelo is smiling a lot more now, which is quite an amazing thing to see as a father. He had his first jabs this week - which he didn't like AT ALL. Poor wee guy.

To all those in the 48 Hour film comp - I salute you ! I am sad that family matters keep me from the competition this year ... and also happy about the same family matters as well. Rest assured - you haven't seen the last of Rebel Faction !

Give 'em hell for me !

There's a market for this ?

Saw this on Boing-Boing - toy road-kill. Complete with plush intestines and innards popped from it's tire-marked corpse.

I like it - though I'm not sure that I'd get one for Angelo...

Shadow adjusting

I was really worried that Shadow wasn't going to adjust well to Angelo. In the past she has been REALLY freaked out by babies. Wall-hugging-low-to-ground-run-a-mile-the-moment-they-make-a-sound FREAKED OUT. I was worried that she wouldn't take well to something else other than her getting a lot of our attention ( as pretty much SHE'S been the baby for the last four years ).

I've been really surprised at how well she's been coping with the change so far. She's actually been pretty patient with waiting for attention, and with Angelo crying ( far from running away - she'll usually get in her wee 'cat-tent' and watch with an interested feline bemusement ). She'll even give him an experimental sniff now and then , before beating a leisurely retreat to somewhere else near-by.

The only time approaching a 'serious' incident was the first day Angelo was home. We but him in the bassinet, and Shadow jumped in too - not knowing he was there. Shadow did a double-take of Warner Bros intensity and promptly ran for it !

I think she's still trying to figure out exactly WHAT Angelo is. I'm just glad she hasn't been traumatized or has run away or something equally distressing for me !

And - as this photo shows, she's not adverse to taking advantage of ole Seraph when he's been beaten with the fatigue club !

Disturbing implication

Viva and I went to the Baby Factory to buy a pram the other day. We suffered from the WORST add-on sale I have ever encountered - we got some kind of pram 'sleeping-bag' thing, but then no-one could seem to work out the routine for actually clipping it into the freaking pram. Calls were eventually made to reps. It was a long drawn out affair - one which I would have terminated after around 5 minutes, but which Viva clung on tightly till the bitter end.

During the intervening time I wandered hither and tither around the store, clutching the baby capsule with the soundly sleeping Angelo - looking at the various baby wares housed within. Eventually I came to the mobile section,

I noticed an offering in this arena from the Sesame Street providers. It was a pastoral scene ( in as much as you can get a SCENE in a mobile anyway ) consisting of two sheep / lambs at diametrically opposing sides of the rotational circle, and in-between them - a baby version of the muppets Elmo and Cookie Monster ( they were wearing nappies ).

Fair enough I thought.

Then I noticed that each monster clutched something in their furry little hands. I looked closer.

Elmo had a rather large carrot. "The nutritional angle" thought I, "Well played Sesame Street Corp."

My eyes searched out what Baby-Cookie-Monster might be holding. "Surely it won't be a cookie - now that they have been a 'sometimes food' by the man. Perchance a cabbage ... or grapefruit ?"

A turn of the mobile 'axle' revealed all. Baby-Cookie-Monster held a bright yellow baby chicken to his fuzzy blue chest.

It took a moment or two to process the information.

What was being said here ? Cookie Monster ( surely the muppet character MOST associated with the act of ravenous, bestial eating ) is holding a LIVE BABY CHICKEN.

... is he going to EAT the live baby chicken ? Mashing it up in his pac-man like jaws until the giblets spray out in a bloody parody of cookie crumbs ?? Will Baby-Cookie-Monster be deaf to the plaintive 'peep-peep-peep' of the chicklet - begging for mercy ?

Shouldn't Baby-Elmo have the baby chicken and Baby-Cookie-Monster have the carrot ? Just to be safe ?

I could well be reading too much into this ( and sleep deprivation isn't helping matters one iota ) - but it's a disturbing implication none the less.


Just look at the crazy little bastard ! Look at that twisted Hannibal Lector grin ! You just KNOW he's going to start chewing on that chick's head and it's brains are going to fountain out it's beak ! Get it offa him for the love of all that's holy !

Things I have learnt about parenting - No#1

When changing a baby - make sure that they stay in the MIDDLE of the change table. That way they can't kick you in the stomach / testicles with their surprisingly strong little legs.

Funny thing said of my sister

My sister recently got hold of the PS3 game 'Rock Band'. She heads a band in her flat called 'The Perverts' ( which is a great name for a all-girl punk group ! ).

One of the other band members on their cash-flow

"Yeah - we were doing pretty well ... but then G spent every cent she had on a small hat."

Ain't that true of life ?

I thought so.

Commodore Ryan

Just finished this ( while Angelo was having a sleep ). The proportions aren't great - but I'm still fairly pleased with it.

Ryan and Slake have some kind of history. While being on opposite sides of the recent conflict between Albion and Atlantis they have a respect for each other as able warriors and leaders.

I repeat - there's a story in here somewhere !

Freak Angels ( nothing to do with Angelo ! )

I've been meaning to recommend this for a bit now - just didn't get round to it.

Warren Ellis ( 'Transmetropolitan' ) is writing a free web-comic called "Freak Angels". It's up to issue 8 ( each issue being 6 pages or so ) and I'm really enjoying it so far.

It had me hooked on the very first few lines :

"23 years ago, twelve strange children were born in England at exactly the same moment.

6 years ago, the world ended.

This is the story of what happened next."

You should check it out.

10 Things about the kid

1. His name is Angelo Mario. 'Angelo' is what my sister would have been called if she had ended up my brother. 'Mario' is my dad's name ( so Angelo is not named for the internationally famous, Gorilla-bashing plumber - it's just an added bonus ).

2. Other names that were considered were ; Orlando, Marco, Vito, Tarquin-Durwood-Alan, and Squiglet.

3. His mum nicknamed him 'Snuffles'.

4. He has received 4 toys since he was born ; a blue elephant, a small lion, a dangly spider and a multi-coloured / multi-textured inch-worm. His dad has played with them all much more than he has ( which is 'not at all' ).

5. No matter how tightly his dad swaddles him, he always seems to get at least one arm free through his incessant wriggling.

6. His eyes have a blood-shot ring around them at present - giving him quite a 'Damien' look.

7. He can say 'Lah' - but only when he's really distressed.

8. He managed to kick himself in the bollocks once when he was being changed. He didn't seem too bothered about it. That could work out to be quite a party-piece.

9. His first lullaby was "Still Alive" from the 'Portal' video game ( sung by dad ). He seemed to puzzle him somewhat.

10. Apparently there has been some debate in the Wellington gaming community as to whether he's going to be a :
a) Pirate
b) Robot
c) Ninja
d) Cyborg
- kid. My money's on 'Robot'.

El nino

So I'm a father now. It is a strange and wonderful thing. I have a little boy ! He came into the world VERY quickly - at 8.32, on Wednesday the 2nd of April.

Viva and I were both born on a Wednesday as well. And don't you love the exponential curve of his birthday ?

2 / 4 / 08 ??

Cool or what ?

'Death From Above' is not the venue for much of what I want to say / show about my son ( man - it is weird saying that ... 'my son' ! Sheesh ) - so if you want to see the little guy ( name in process of being decided - we have a short list ! ) - then I urge you to make the long and peril-filled journey to his blog page, where there are some pics waiting for you !

Right - back to the hospital !

Captain Slake

Here's a wee sketch that I managed to salvage over Easter. It was pretty crappy before - but I dialed back the far-slung sci-fi and turned it into more of a steam-punk thing. After the sketch was saved I put it through photo-shop, where I experimented with different levels for highlights and shadows. It could do with a background - but hey, don't look a gift post in the mouth !

So ... Captain Slake. Yup - he is a fish. A fish in a mind-linked battle chassis. He's the head of the security detail protecting the ambassador from the technocracy of Atlantis. I imagine that Captain Slake is the hero of many adventures above and below the waves ... and the suit chassis is legendary piece of ancient technology from before Atlantis sunk beneath the waves.

There's a story that deserves closer investigation here somewhere ...

The New Banner ? Perhaps...

Critical Mass 4 - Litter

Finally ! This took a long time to finish, I'm not sure why - not as many text boxes in this one for a start...

Did you bring enough for everyone ?

You may ( or may not ) know that I work at a special character school. While I hold no especially strong religious views - it's no bad thing to work at a religious school. In a lot of ways it's pretty nice. There are times when it sticks a little in my craw - Christmas is a good example. There are days when I want to run through the school screaming "Christmas was stolen from the pagans ! Nowhere in the bible does it say when Jesus was born ! Don't even get me started on the Council of Nicea !".

Easter is another time.

Our school holds an important Easter assembly / chapel service kind of a deal. The students have to wear there formal uniforms all day - which, considering the bizarre mirco-climate of the school ramping temperatures into the 'please-someone-scoop-out-my-brains-through-my-nose-with-a-soup-spoon-so-I-don't-have-to-endure-this-miserable-HEAT!' range, is far from a pleasant thing.

Also, not only is it a day on 'assembly' times ( where the normal timetable is hacked into a tattered mess, which sucks - because students never remember the NORMAL times ), but the times are extra-mangled because the assembly had to be at the end of the day ( kids have NO freaking idea of what's going on ). So - yay for that.

Anyways - the assembly. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

As I was saying - the Easter chapel service is supposed to be a fairly serious thing. This one was off to a fairly deep start - with reflections on the nature of sacrifice, scenes from "The Passion" ( man - I am NEVER watching that movie ) and various other spiritually uplifting things.

And then one of the student leaders was talking, and pulled out a medium sized easter egg. It's the size of, oh, half a rugby ball. Y'know - not huge.

This student says he going to break up the egg and hand it out to SOME students - because there isn't NEARLY enough for everyone ( which really - should have set off warning bells in this student's mind RIGHT THEN ). Maybe he thought this was a brillo way of demonstrating the nature of sacrifice. If so - this theory was severely flawed.

So - as there school captain comes forward, two seniors start to hand out these bits of chocolate.

What happens next ? Oh - I saw it coming. I think you do too !

Pande-FREAKING-monium !

Students are crying out, some literally screaming, for a miniscule amount of diary milk ! ALL over the auditorium ! And it wouldn't stop ! The Chaplain growled at the school over the microphone, with the principal scowling his disapproval at his side. "This is an important part of the school calendar ! Show respect for your fellow students" and other such platitudes were fired into the assemblage , but with NO change to the chocolate-infused frenzy !

"Give me some chocolate!"
"Hey! Over HERE!"
"Gimmie !"
" I WANT SOME !"
"MEEEEEEE !!! Some for MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

So much for Christian sacrifice !

Seriously - I've never seen anything like it happen in an assembly in my ten years of teaching.

In the end the remaining chocolate had to be removed FROM THE AUDITORIUM for them to settle down again. It was insanity !

I tell you - BEST. Assembly. EVER !

Firmer than expected

Not that I have the weird fetish that so many other people have about touching pregnant women's tummies - I have, no occasion, done so with my wife. Mostly to try and feel the little punk move. It is quite a sly little creature - it will move a whole bunch ( apparently ) and as soon as I get there it will stop straight away.

This can only mean trouble ahead.

Anyway - the real thing I wanted to say it I was surprised how ... hard, for want of a better word ... the pregnant tummy was. For some reason I just had it in my head that babies were kinda squishy ( they're not supposed to have bones for crying out loud - that sounds pretty squishy to me ! ).

So all those times we were in the gym when I was in secondary school, and I would stuff a basketball up my t-shirt and go "Hey look at me - I'm pregnant ! Haw haw haw !" - I was, in a tactile sense at least, more correct than I could possibly know.

Believe me - I'm as surprised as you are.

Return of the Blue Sock

I was overjoyed to see that Viva had found my missing 'blue Monday' sock. It had been gone a week and seriously threatened to disrupt my morning routine.

I got a set of these black socks last year from the Warehouse - black socks with a difference ! On the heel and toe of each pair is a colour - and written on the 'sole' of each are the days of the working week. What is groovier is that the colours follow the progression of rainbow colours ( albiet in reverse ) :

Monday - Blue
Tuesday - Green
Wednesday - Yellow
Thursday - Orange
Friday - Red

Kinda neat huh ?

After one of the Blue Monday socks vanished ... it didn't feel right wearing the others. My whole dressing routine for the week - cast to the four winds ! It was a bleak time my friend. Bleak !

But - joy ! The lone sock turned up - much like a lost tramper in the Tararua ranges, it had simply stayed where it was until it was found. It was in the dryer - stuck to a weird upward area due to static.

Does this make me slightly OCDish ?

Probably.



In an associated idea - am I the ONLY one who thinks 'Trinny and Susannah' are a pair of heinous bitches in need of a slow crushing via a steam-roller ?

This does not bode well...

So I was leaving work. I packed up my computer, and my briefcase - walked out the office door and locked it.

I noticed then that I was still wearing my whistle ( used to get attention in class - 'The Black Whistle of Certain Doom' is what I've playfully christened it ). I like to leave it on my desk when I go. I'm wondering if I can be bothered unlocking the door and going back in when I remember that I left my lunch box in there ( a plastic old-school style design - neon pink in colour ).

Two items push me over the door-unlock threshold. I zap back inside, get items, lock door, set alarm, lock building, go to car.

It's not until I open the boot that I notice that I'm not in fact holding my lunchbox. I have instead, inexplicably, my stapler ( which is about 1/16 smaller, and blue ).

Something is very wrong here.

Just don't ask me again, okay ?

So I was walking past a meeting the HOD music was having with the itinerant music teachers. They were deep in discussion. They were trying to think up a name for a senior singing group. Something which would encourage them and not put them off the idea of singing.

I heard names like "The Lumberjacks" and some other equally painful ones that my mind has blocked out.

They asked me if I could think of something.

Hell yeah - I could think of something !

"The Totally Heterosexual Senior Crooners" !

They didn't seem to like it much.

Jerks.

Seraph's totally awesome solution for the tagging problem

Institiue a bounty.

Taggers captured by a registered bounty-hunter ( along with evidence of the crime, naturally ) are organ harvested - with 25% of the value of the organ going to the bounty hunter.

First conviction - a kidney.

Second conviction - a lung.

Third conviction - full organ harvest. Heart, lung, kidney, liver, retinas, bone marrow, blood, the freaking lot.

Viola ! The criminal has both paid for their crime, and contributed to society by donating their vital organs to someone who deserves them a hell of a lot more. No need to waste hard earned tax dollars in prison sentences or time-consuming community service.

I bet the problem would be significantly lessened. Sure - my answer for a range of crimes tends to boil down to 'organ harvesting' - but dammitt, those Greys had a damn good idea there when they were hovering aroung Roswell.

( sorry for Totalitarian Seraph voicing his vitriol here - I just watched a documentary on tagging and I am very angry indeed ... )

The Future of Gaming ?

Even if you only have the most casual aquaintances with video gaming - you really do need to check this the hell out. Freaking amazing. I can see one day I shall have to get hold of a Nintendo Wii ...

baby class - part 1

Soooo - last night I went with Viva to the first of our antenatal classes. I was kinda dreading it, but I guess it wasn't that bad. There were some nice people there.

However - there was a bit of a weird thing half way through. We split into man and women groups, and the guy who was talking to us in the guy group kept telling us how we could get involved with the child, but he kept adding the phrase "because you wouldn't hurt the baby".

I'm guessing that the was trying to reassure us that we won't 'break' the kid - but it started sounding like a bit of an accusation after a while, like he wanted to add '...would you?" on the end.

"You won't hurt the baby by giving it a bath ... would you? You wouldn't smother him with a rubber duck or garrote them with the activity hanger ? You wouldn't booby-trap the buggy to shoot the child out like a circus cannon into the ionosphere ??? WOULD YOU ??? YOU FREAKING MONSTER !!!"

Or maybe it was just me ...

Another visitor ...

So this is what I've been doing instead of writing on the blog. It's a little piece for my good pal Bubbajay. Those of you who had a C64 computer should recognise the jumpman and robots from Impossible Mission.

It's called "Stay Awhile ... Stay Forever!" which is what the Prof. Atombender says to you right at the beginning of the game, in what was some damn good voice sound fx for the day !

I considered calling it "Destroy Him, My Robots!" which he also says at various points. Bubbajay suggested "AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh......." and "ZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzz!!!" as well - but I thought they were a bit to hard to paint onto the side of the canvas.

So Bubbajay - there you have it ! Sorry it wasn't done before you left - but art takes time. I'll post it to you or something.

Next art project - Pacman !

Nozing around !

In summation :

- Tibia healing nicely.
- Blood test turned up slightly elevated liver enzyme count. Have to have another blood test. Hopefully nothing to worry about.
- Finished a new video game painting for my main man Bubbajay - will put a pic up soon.
- 'Portal' is a freaking great ( if somewhat short ) video game. Play it if you get the chance.
- Team Fortress 2 is also fun !
- "Knocked Up" wasn't nearly as funny as everyone said. I think I prefer my comedy more surreal / black. So there you go.

And something to make you smile to finish up. A line from one of the junior plays at the end of last years classes :

"The bird fell from the sky like a ball of cake."

Hee hee hee !

Misdiagnosis

“You know, I took your physio’s referral for you from the thirty or so ‘urgent’ cases because it looked like the easiest. From the description I though ‘Oh yes – a standard ACL tear. No problem. I’m going to be using your case for a teaching seminar as an example of things being not always what they appear to be.”

“…Right” I replied. “Is that good ?”

That’s what a specialist sports doctor told me about the state of my knee, after some closer examination.

Last week, my physio told me that what I had most likely done to my knee was torn or snapped my cruciate ligament ( or what I called the cruciatus ligament ) – which was a pretty common sports injury. She then went on to explain what would be done to fix this ( cutting off some other ligament from elsewhere in my body , and then grafting it into my knee ) – and I almost fainted. It rather freaked me out.

So – I got a referral letter sent off to a sports doctor at the Wakefield hospital this week, and warned that it would probably be well into the New Year before I heard back from her.

Two days later I got a call from the hospital asking if I were able to make it into them for an appointment. There had been a miraculous opening. “Hell yes !” I said.

So after a morning of Christmas shopping ( which seemed to be going worryingly painlessly for a change ) and made my way to Newtown and the specialist sports clinic.

After five minutes of jumping around in my underwear, the doctor echoed what my physio had said. “ACL tear most likely, considering the means of injury and the state of your knee. I’ll get you to have some x-rays now, and we’ll get you booked in for a MRI scan as well. That’s really busy – so it won’t be for a couple of weeks. I’ll see you again after that.”

So – downstairs to radiology I went, x-rays were taken ( and am I the only one that thinks hospital x-ray machines are rather sinister things ? ), and I went onto the list for an MRI scan.

Then, home.

No sooner had I sat down to do some painting, then I got a call from the radiology dept.
“Can you have a scan done tomorrow ?”

“Umm – Yeah sure. I thought it was going to be weeks before I was going to get this done?”

“Usually that would be true – but we’re going to be here early tomorrow – and we can fit you in at 7.15 if you can make it. Can you make it at that time?”
“You betcha !”

In I rolled early the next morning, and was inserted into the MRI machine. That was an experience ! Yet again, TV has lied to me. Whenever I’ve seen MRI scans on telly, it’s really quite a futuristic affair. In you glide into the machine – badda-bing, badda-bang – hey presto – results ! “Here’s the probem, you’ve got three gall-bladders !”

It’s not like that at all. It takes AGES – about 28 minutes to get my knee done ( and it started to get difficult to stay still. It’s a good thing I’m not claustrophobic too ! ). It’s also REALLY noisy. They give you a pair of those ear-muff things – and it was still really quite loud. The machine makes a lot of disconcerting clicks, and then launches into a full-on power buzz, which makes various changes in pitch and tone. I’m pretty sure there’s been a few people in the world who have freaked right out in one of those things.

Afterwards, they told me to see the receptionist at the sports clinic and see if the good doctor could see me again today. The MRI had confirmed what the x-rays had hinted at – it wasn’t my ACL at all, but instead I had a fracture.

“You had an MRI scan TODAY ?” said the incredulous receptionist “We only saw you YESTERDAY ! That NEVER happens !”

I felt pretty good about the way things were progressing !

So yeah – I have a fracture. Again. This is now my fifth. Still – I feel a lot better about having a fracture. At least I’m on familiar territory here ! And there’s a 99% chance that that it’ll heal fine. I have to go back in for more x-rays early in the new year, to see if things are healing okay ( the doctor was a bit mystified that I was able to walk reasonably normally, as normally someone in my position would be on crutches – and probed me quite thoroughly to make sure that I just wasn’t pretending not to feel pain. “Doc” I said “I’m not the kind of guy to say something doesn’t hurt when it does ! Just ask my wife !” ).

All in all – I feel pretty lucky. If I hadn’t majorly lucked out in so many areas, I would have spent the summer with a fractured bone and not even known – and in all probability made things worse ( the first thing the doctor told me to stop was the rehab stuff the physio had got me to do – like the lunges, which were really starting to hurt ! ).

But it does mean that I won’t be doing anything strenuous of weight-bearing with my leg at all – which puts a major crimp on my exercise programme. Oh well, it’s more important to heal. No dancing on New-Year ( doctors orders ).

I’m most happy about my other ligaments not being harvested in a patch up mission though. Man – that really sounded pretty bad …

Seraph’s week of encripplement

They tell you a lot of things of tv to try and keep you from falling in the warm blubbery embrace of obesity. They tell you to push play for thirty minutes a day. Be active. Do exercise. That kind of thing. But they NEVER mention the dangers involved. There’s never the disclaimer “WARNING ! Robust physical activity may leave you in a screaming heap of agony and piteous weeping!”. The kind of warning which might have done me some good last Friday playing soccer with some of the guys at work.

I was doing quite well it must be said. The game had been going for around 40 minutes – and I had managed to stay moving the entire time – mostly at something approaching a running speed. No Beckham, but pretty good for me. I had even made a couple of half-decent attempts at goal !

It sure puts a crimp in your game when your right knee decides its going to bend the wrong way though. I’m not really sure how it happened either ( it’s lost in that moment of white pain you get in these times ). Two of us were going for the ball at some speed – we might have got tangled up, I might have slipped … but whatever the cause, I remember hearing a distinct POP, and then I was rolling along the Astroturf in a large degree of pain.

Oww.

So – after VERY CAREFULLY driving myself home with a rapidly swelling knee, I spent the rest of Friday with ice wrapped in a tea-towel clasped to my wounded flesh. Things were still pretty bad the next day – so after being ordered to seek medical help by my sister, I asked Viv to take me to the after-hours doctor in Newtown.

I was given crutches, pain-killers, anti-inflammatory meds and an order to stay home for the week. Luckily the seniors have gone – so there was a good deal less relief to have to write each day.

I should have done more school work ( like the report comments I should have finished by now ), but I tended just to sit around playing video games. I managed to finish Okami ( which is a very cool game ! ).

I saw a physio this morning, and got the all clear to drive again and go back to work. She thought that I might have damaged some cartilage inside my knee. There’s a chance that something may have ‘snapped’, which would require something called ‘key-hole’ surgery to fix ( man – I don’t like the sound of that ! ). I have exercises to do to help fix things up. If I’m lucky – then I should hopefully be alright in another 6 – 8 weeks.

Sigh.

Oh well. I’ve had worse ! At least there’s no bones broken.

In other news – today is the end of ‘Movember’, and I have been supporting the cause with my own effort. Behold ! The glorious ‘Anarchy99’ !

Curse you, NZQA !!!

What IS it about education in this freaking country ? Why must it be administered by a bureaucratic bunch of losers which would make Kafka* spin in his grave ? Get this - the year 10 ( 4th formers for all you old-speaker out there ) have an English exam soon, and it's going to be based pretty heavily on the format of the 1.6 NCEA exam for Y11 ( 5th form ) students.

I know that they have old exam papers on-line, so I go to download a couple of poetry question sections so my students can get a taste of the kind of thing they'll have to answer. Found questions, copied them, no problem.

So then I go to open the on-line resource book for that years exam. This is the one that actually has the literature / text extracts that they're having to answer the question ON. Kinda important to have.

The document is opened, and I was stunned to find that EVERY resource you would need to make any of the questions USEFUL to look at have been removed and replaced with the uniform comment 'This resource has been removed for copyright reasons'.

WHAT !!?!!?!

$#@$#**&^%@$@ !!!!

What kind of bollocks is that ? Since WHEN is rampant publishing of a POEM on-line been a major breech of copy-right law ??

I can imagine the ads now :

"You wouldn't steal a handbag ! You wouldn't steal a car ! YOU WOULDN'T DARE STEAL A POEM !! YOU TWISTED SACK OF INFECTED INTESTINAL WALL ! Downloading POETRY is THEFT ! And poetry theft will be met with swift and terrible justice delivered by CHUCK NORRIS HIMSELF !!!! YOU WILL PAY with BLOOOOOOD !!!"

Yeah - because I heard that the international poetry studios are REALLY hurting because of that whole on-line exam racket. Sylvia Plath is righteously pissed off ... no wait - she's DEAD. Like your freaking MEDIUM !!!

Look, nothing against poetry, but it's HARDLY at the vanguard of the arts. Incan-restoration interpretive dance is more widely regarded ( and NO - you can't claim that 'song lyrics' count as poetry ! ). If I were a poet, I'd be BEGGING to have my poem in a senior English exam - just for the freaking exposure ! Do you realise how many teenagers could be baffled by your obscure metaphors about pioneer NZ women or a sunset ? HEAPS !

So I just photocopied the original exam paper we had in the department files.

Yeah - way to stop me in my poem-piracy tracks, huh? You like that NZQA ? Cos I got more where THAT came from ! Jerks ...


* I have no idea if this reference makes sense. I have never read Kafka. He wrote a story about a castle that was supposed to be some kind of allagory. And he never finished it ... or something. It sounded good though, eh ?

So childish !

Driving to work I noticed that the :

REDUCE
SPEED

sign on the side of the road had been the target of some vandalism. Two of the letters had been covered with spray paint, changing the sign to :

REDUCE
#PEE#

I hated myself for doing it, but I laughed so much I nearly drove square into a church.


Reduce pee ... *snigger*

Revieworama !

The final countdown begins again – only another couple of weeks before the seniors leave for the year to go and ‘study’ for their exams. School becomes a great deal easier after that. Okay – maybe not a great deal ( I’ll still be freaking busy ), but it’ll be better !

Here’s a bit of a review of things I’ve seen / read / played recently –

Perfect Creature

So close ! So very close to being a really good film ! And yet – so over the mountain range studded with land-mine far away. It must be said right at the start – it’s a HELL of a lot better than ‘The Irrefutable Truth About Demons’. Mind you, considering that ‘…Demons’ is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen, I’m not sure that’s much of a endorsement.
What the film did REALLY well was in creating a very cool world. Very steam-punk, while still retaining a very NZ feel. Kinda post-colonial mixed with Dickensian London. It worked pretty well. The ‘mythology’ of the world was interesting too. I liked the idea of Vampires not being evil, or even really monstrous. The idea of the ‘Brothers’ being a kind of ‘next-step’ in the evolutionary process was great, but more so was their partnership with humanity. They were ( supposedly ) so much more powerful than humans, but were essentially bound to serve humanity. I loved how the Brothers were objects of religious reverence for many humans, and how there’s a ritual of tithing blood in churches.

All very very cool.

So – what’s the problem ?

For a start, there’s not a HUGE amount of ‘super-human’ ability demonstrated by the Brothers really. Oh sure – they’ve got heightened-senses ( shown though various crash zooms and other fairly unimpressive sfx ), but what else ? Uncanny climbing ability … and that’s about it. Oh – and a weird pointy-finger style of fighting. Now really ! These are Vampires ! Okay – given that they’re a genetic anomaly they’re not going to be turning into mist or flying of in the form of a bat, but surely there could have been something a little more impressive they could have done. I guess there are hints towards super speed and strength … but there was just too little done with it. That was a shame.

The biggest problem for me was the antagonist. They made a seriously BAD error in casting. Rather than looking evil or scary – the ‘bad’ vampire ends up looking … well … retarded. That’s a bad look for your villain no matter how you cut it. I just couldn’t take him seriously. Also – there was an issue for me with this character’s motivation. At the start of the story, the antagonist’s goal simply seems to be ‘kill people and drink their blood’. Fair enough ! He’s a vampire – I can understand that. BUT – as soon as the bad guy gets caught it seems that his motivation arbitrarily changes to ‘infect as many people as possible with my blood-disease’. WHAT ? What the hell brought that on ? Why would that happen ? It didn’t make any sense. It also REALLY bugged me that he was able to escape from the maximum security Brother stronghold. It was a ‘deus ex’ situation where ( supposedly ) very clever people ( Vamp’s guards ) start doing inexplicably stupid things ( letting Vamp out of his security harness when he’s CLEARLY one of the most serious risks to all of society, not getting a Brother to check the security glass after Vamp has repeatidly hurling himself at it … and not putting Vamp BACK in the harness as a punishment, not having a fail-safe lock-down so that bad Vamp can just stroll out back into the middle of the freaking city heart !!! ). It’s really annoying when characters do things that are so stupidly out of character.

Still – there’s certainly some interesting things going on in the film, and it’s worth a DVD rental. Just don’t shell out $15 to see it on the big screen.

C+


Sun-Shine

Argh. ANOTHER film where ( supposedly ) very clever people to some VERY stupid things which bugged the hell out of me.
In a lot of ways it reminded me a lot of ‘Event Horizon’ – just replacing the supernatural elements with more scientifically plausible things. There are some good thrills here and there, but I found things largely pretty predictable.
The music is pretty good – and largely contributes to the atmospheric impact of the film. I wouldn’t mind getting the soundtrack.
Worth a rental if there’s nothing else you want to see, just get ready for some ‘Aw c’mon!’ moments.

C+


Lady in the Water

All the reviews I read about this pretty much panned this film. I got it at the last Video Eze sale for ten bucks. I didn’t get round to seeing it for quite awhile – mainly because I wanted to like it, but all the evidence seemed to be pointing at it being rubbish.

I finally braced myself and slung it in the DVD player last night. And y’know what ? I really liked it ! It was a nice story. It did stretch my suspense-of-disbelief a little bit in places ( the girl / woman living in the flats who JUST HAPPENED to know the stories of the Narfs and the Skrunts ) but there was a reasonable reason present for how this could happen that I was okay to buy into.

Not M. Night’s best – but he hasn’t done anything yet to equal The Sixth Sense in my books ( and that would be because it freaking GENIUS ), but it’s pretty enjoyable modern fairy-tale.

B

The IT Crowd – Season 2

Freaking awesome. Not quite as good as season 1 – but very very funny ( my fav joke was a legendarily hilarious take off of those damn ‘You wouldn’t steal a hand-bag !” copyright ads ). I miss Denham though …

A


The Day of the Triffids

Always meant to read this ages ago – and only just got round to it now. Well worth reading. Some pretty unsettling moments within. I gotta read me some more John Wyndham ! I think “The Kraken Wakes’ or ‘The Midwich Cuckoos’ will be next on the list.

B+


Resistance – Fall of Man

A very competent FPS from the guys who brought you ‘Spyro’ and “Ratchet and Clank’. Again – it’s the setting and situation which are so captivating. It’s really an alternate World War 2, by instead of battling the Hun – it’s an ‘alien’ threat which is kicking the crap out of mankind. The Chimera are a scary bunch of dudes – and the cool thing the game does is weave the story of the Chimera uprising ( which is a huge mystery in the game. You don’t really know what the hell the Chimera are or where they come from. Are they Aliens ? Are they a genetic experiment gone wrong ? Are they a race which has co-evolved with us under the earth ? I’m at least ¾ of the way through the game and I still don’t know for sure ! ).
The weapons are cool – and while they’re reasonably futuristic sometimes ( such as the Chimeran Auger – a gun which fires energy bolts which pass through walls and obstacles until they clam into organic matter, or the Bullseye – which has the ability to ‘tag’ an enemy, which allows the conventional fire-power of the gun to home in on the tagged victim unerringly – fecking handy in dealing with smart-ale Chimera hiding behind cover ) , there’s a good mix of conventional thrown in, and the ‘advanced’ weapons fit in well with the WW2 feeling.
The action of the game alternates between frantic battle-front warfare, and tense ‘survival-horror’ tunnel-creeping sections. There’s some nice boss throw-downs and some fun vehicles to drive ( I’m hanging out for another tank-level ! Though the huge Chimeran spider-tank is pretty groovy ! ).
Graphics are great – though I’m sure that with an HD cable and a LCD tv they’d look even better ( duh ! ).
All in all – another winner from Insomnia games studio! Roll on “Ratchet and Clank : Tools of Destruction” is what I say !

A

One day - two parties !

Yesterday was busy busy busy. I had two birthday parties to go to. Two ! Who can live at that speed !! I don't know how those LA socialites do it. And imagine Bruce Wayne ! Having to live THAT life AND be a crime fighter on top of that. Yeesh.

The big focus on attention though ( as it was for most of the previous week - hence no updates ! ) was my costume for the second of the two parties - Clare's 'Space' party. I admit that I was pretty stumped for something original for a few days when I got the invitation. Yeah - I thought of all the standard Star Wars and Star Trek openers ... but I wanted something unique ! Something NO-ONE was going to copy.

It was tricky alright - something that was original, but WASN'T going to cripple me financially either.

Then a week ago today ( almost at the same time too ) - it stuck me.

A crew member of the 'Nostromo' - complete with chest-burster alien !

Genius !

But that DID mean I had to make myself a chest-burster in under a week - as you can't just go out and buy these things ( I looked, trust me ! ).

Cue much paper-mache work !

Oddly enough, one of the hardest parts of the process was finding some of those long thin styled balloons to get the paper-mache on. It was damn near impossible ! Everyone only had the round kinds. Can you believe it ? At about the fourth place I looked at I was getting pretty distressed ( as the whole plan hinged on having one of these balloons - just freaking ONE ! ). Then, JOY ! It had something similar - weird caterpillar shaped balloons. They didn't look much like caterpillars really though - to be honest, they more looked like ... well ... sex toys ( they were kinda ribbed too - very unsettling ).

Despite their unusual 'added value' they worked just fine. The second hurdle was getting the paper-mache tube to dry in time. It was very slow going - even with being bunged in the hot water cupboard. In the end I just wacked int on top of the woodburner. THAT got things sorted !

The painting and gluing was reasonably straight forward.

I did investigate getting some sew-on patches made stating various Wayland-Yutani slogans and such - but that were FAR too expensive to have made. In the end I just printed off some from net pictures and sellotaped them to the pair of overalls I got. That worked reasonably well ( and way cheaper ! ).

People at the party seemed to think it was kinda cool, and I have to say that I was pretty pleased with the final effect.

Jenni's Rock-Star party was a lot of fun - though Viva and I couldn't stay long. It was nice to see people, and I was reminded ( yet again ) of how lucky I am to have such great friends. I really am fortunate to know such a great bunch of cool, interesting and NICE people.

Yay for friends ! And for the absence of parasitic xenomorphs on Earth !

Critical Mass 3 - Vague Origins

Hey gang ! Been a while since my last post I know. Th end of term 3 will do that to you, especially when you're trying to get a year 13 production of "Waiting for Godot" done ! Whew !

I've been having a nice break not doing much. Playing too much "UFO:Enemy Unknown", eating poorly, and working on this comic. I have now discovered the joys of the 'pattern brush' - as evidenced in the exquisite grid pattern in the alien suit blueprint. It's a pretty cool feature !

And I THINK I got all the spelling mistakes out this time !

I also had an especially nice birthday, with many people getting me some very nice gifts - a big thanks to all of you ! But especially to my little sister and her partner who got me and Viv a freaking PlayStation 3 !! So much for any more marking in the holidays !

I've got another episode of Critical Mass drawn - so I'll get to work scanning than and getting it to 'publication' level. I shall also be starting a new video game canvas for my old pal and partner in crime ( although I'm more his misshapen minion to his evil genius really ) BubbaJay. In consultation with him we've come to the conclusion that a C64 inspired image would be best - probably based on "Impossible Mission" - though it might be "Creatures" if I can find a decent set of images of the sprites somewhere.

Did I mention that I take commissions ?

Dial up is for who ?

I'm constantly mishearing things, my brain often re-editing things so they're more scandalous or entertaining.

Case in point - talking with Meredith last night, and we were talking about broadband, and I SWEAR I heard her say :

"Dial-up is for fat people".

There's a t-shirt in that statement.

My brain hurts

Gosh. A weekend of marking Y10 'writing' has just about pushed me over the crumbling cliffs of sanity to the cruel cruel rocks of do-lally-land.

How the hell is it possible to write SO badly ? It really staggers the mind.

I present for you a small case study of the kind of thing I've been subjected to. It is one of the more acute cases, but not unrepresentative.

The task, I thought, was simple enough. Describe a location taken from the text we're studying and describe it as vividly as possible ( in other words - taking care to develop descriptive detail and use figurative imagery ).

I thought it was simple enough anyway.

So - one of the locations was a ball. What did our case study make of it ? Let's see:

Paragraph 1 - " The ball had a nice calm feeling, with darkness covering the strong, heroic building with shades of light casting from place to place from what looked like a mini red torch."

...Say what ? Seriously - what the hell was that ? Mini red torch ? What does that even START to mean !? Owww - my head.

Paragraph 2 - 'The ball was like any other ball in 'Dreamland'.

Huh ? Dreamland ? What the hell is that ?

'Gold surrounding the walls like the gold rush. Carpet formally place like it they were in Buckingham Palace.'

Feck - what IS this ? Pain in head increases in intensity to sharp stabbing pains in the central cortex. Hands start to twitch involuntarily.

'A massive room the size of Wembley Stadium with a light, peaceful shadow casted the whole room like it was saying 'I love lying on the beach!' Small shades of light swissed across the room like the speed of light, to create that party atmosphere."

Sweet jebus - this is worse than torture. I can't confess to anything to make it stop ! Why is shade talking about loving to be on the beach ? THAT party atmosphere ? Kid - I think you've had WAY too much of THAT party atmosphere by the sound of it. Dammit - I think my nose has started bleeding...

Paragraph 3 - ' They see hundreds of people. man and women surrounding the room like small moving bears sidestepping from one to another.'

Argghhh ! Make it stop make it STOP ! I'll do anything ! Sidestepping bears ?
WTF ?!!?! Vision fading...

'Dancing was the only action going on at the ball like you couldn't do anything else, it was like the carpet telling everyone 'to step on me, you must dance formally with your partner, no excuses !' '

*With a scream of tormented anguish Seraph falls into a coma, convulsing violently*

And that wasn't even the end !

And I marked stuff like that ALL weekend !

Sigh. It's like reading subtitles of Hong Kong action films, where the translators don't know English, this sort of crushingly bad gibberish that VAGUELY hints at an intention below the verbal up-chuck.

And YES. I KNOW that there are ethical issues in sharing this with you - but hell, when you consider the cruel and unusual suffering this kid put me through - he freaking owes me this !

The sort of thing Seraph giggles at for days

Hey - you know what a couple of words that are funny together are ?

'Booze shack' !

Hee hee hee !

That's almost as good as 'Pickle Weasel' !

( you can tell the end of term is near, can't you ? )

Critical Mass 2 - That is the Question

A special thank you goes out to my good friend Lucifer Morningstar for his photoshop help with this, which accounts fot the noticable increase in image quality here. Not the REAL Lucifer of course - as far as I KNOW anyway. It WOULD explain a lot if he were though...

This and that from the life of Seraph

- I went to the Wellington City Mission great 2nd hand book sale. Not because of any kind of affiliation to the mission - but because of my love of cheap books ( not knocking the City Mission though - they do good work ! ). They seemed to have a much more streamlined check-out process ( including a '10 books or less' express lane which was a bloody good idea - it certainly saved me time ! ). I spent my time prowling around the fantasy / sci-fi / horror tables and ended up getting a few Stephen King books that I haven't read or read fully :
* Everything's Eventual ( mostly for the Dark Tower story "The Little Sisters of Eluria", but there were a number of stories which I didn't get round to reading when I borrowed Hix's copy )
* Insomnia - For the 'Dark Tower' links !
* Skeleton Crew - I've NEVER read this collection of stories - and I really should, now that 'The Mist' is being made into a feature-film by Frank Darabont !
* Bag of Bones - I would have got this LAST year ... had it not been for the fact that the lines were approaching what seemed to be a light-year in length ! Hix tells me it's good !

- Sauntered into the public library and borrowed a book on photo-shop ( to help, hopefully, with my comic strips ) and a John Wyndham omnibus containing 'Day of the Triffids', 'The Kraken Wakes' and 'The Crysalids'. I've been hankering to read 'Day of the Triffids' - for some reason the idea of killer plants has been playing on my mind. Don't ask - it's my brain and even I don't know.

I gotta say - I'm loving that self-checking-out-books-machine they have in there now ! It's awesome ( even if it had trouble reading the bar-code on the photoshop book and I had to retry it, like, ten times.

- My 'Fungus the Loon' Blood-Bowl figure that I got on Trade-Me arrived today. You gotta love night-goblin fanatics ! They always make me think of my buddy Conrad playing the 'Warhammer' video game on his computer when we were roomies down in Christchurch. On the field of honour his army was ranged against a force of goblins.
"Goblins?!" laughed Conrad, in haughty tones. "They'll be no match for my heavy calvary ! CHARGE !". The mighty steeds tore across the middle of no-man's land - lances dropped to a wave of glinting steel death.
"Hmmmmm... Y'know - you might not want to do that" I said - drawing on my days working at Pendragon Games and my knowledge of the tabletop 'Warhammer'. 'That group there looks like a bunch of Night Goblins - they'll probably have fanatics hidden in their ranks."
"Fanatics ? What are they ?" Conrad asked - his cavalry now scant pixels away from the goblins.
"THOSE are fanatics." I answered - as four massive ball-and-chain swinging goblins flew from the front of the ranks - smashing his cavalry and leaving them in a tattered, bleeding heap of wreckage. "Yeah - they'll do that."

Tee hee. I remember his stunned expression so clearly.

- I saw 'Die-Hard 4.0' this afternoon. It was okay. I should have followed my instincts and waited to till it came out on DVD though - it wasn't as good as the previous three.

- I fixed the shieldy-thingy at the top of our wood-burner pipe. It's harder than it sounds.

- Did three loads of washing ! Which I promptly forgot was on the line when I went off to see the movie and got all damp again. Smeg !

Tomorrow :
- Make pancakes for breakfast ( promised Viv I would )
- Loads of marking ( joy )
- Wash car ( covered in green pollen )
- Spray lawn and re-seed ( so there can be some actial GRASS on the damn thing )