Monday, January 05, 2009

The Nature of Grudges

I was doing a lot of yard-work today. Much of it was pruning back errant branches of rogue trees. I'm not normally one for work in the great-out-doors, but you know what really makes a difference ? A MP3 player ! I've been listening to audio books and all sorts while I've been waring war on our little section of mother nature. It's been great !

So I was loading new music and sound files onto it this morning before the great attack, and while sifting through my music library, I chanced on 'Under the Pink' by Tori Amos, which I had not listened to for AGES. I started up 'Cornflake Girl' and 'The Wrong Band' and 'Icicle' and 'Yes Anastasia'. Great songs - but it took me back to, oddly enough to a much darker time.

I listened to 'Under the Pink' and 'Little Earthquakes' almost continually after a particularly bad break-up I went though. The songs are now faintly water-marked with that time, even after all these years. Jeesh - how long now ? Dum-de-dum ... over 15 years I think.

One of the worst things about the whole deal was that I had a MAJOR falling out with a friend / flatmate back then. He started going out with said ex-girlfriend within the space of a couple of days. There were great feelings of betrayal folded into the whole stew of the collapsing relationship. It was very bad. I was not a happy guy at that time.

Still, time goes by and tends to heal wounds of these sorts. But while I eventually did the 'forgive - forget' combo with the girl in question, I NEVER did that with the former friend/flatmate.

I have friends who are friends with him, and they have said things to me like 'Hey - that guy, he's a decent bloke !' and 'He's sorry, y'know' and 'It was YEARS ago Seraph ! Let it go !'.

And to be fair - they have various correct points to their arguments.

But they forget some pretty important things about me I think.

First and foremost - I am, no matter how I appear, Italian. And Italians know a thing or two about holding a grudge. Particularly my particular clan. In contrast to some members of my family - I am viewed as being rather too forgiving,
It's a genetic thing. It's not that I particularly WANT to feel the way I feel about the guy But I cannot help it - I feel physically ILL when I am anywhere near the guy. Thankfully, even though I believe he's still kicking around Wellington somewhere, our paths haven't crossed for a few years now - and now the season of 'Stag Nights' have ground to an end, I doubt I'll see him again. I don't think our mutual friends are dumb enough to invite us both to the same events anymore.

And second - some things you just can't forgive. No matter how much you would like to. And yes - it's just as damaging to you as it is to the other person - and you KNOW that, and you still can't.

Sigh. All this from listening to Tori Amos.

I'm not particularly sure when I'm going with any of this - it's just been playing on my mind all day and I felt like saying it.


Alan said...

I am assuming you are referring to the guy you wanted to insert into a mapplethorpe exhibition?

if so, i am there with you, can;t stand the guy.


Seraph said...

Oh yeah - the "Pineapple Caper". Heh.

That would be a good guess - but it's not THAT guy. Your sentiment is strongly seconded though.

No, THIS guy was MUCH worse.

Yeah. I know.

BubbaJay said...

Bubba, ask yourself a simple question... 'is my life rich and satisfying, filled with loved ones and genuine friends?'
or does revisiting a past moment lead to think you missed an opportunity to improve the quality of your life?
I can show you countless examples of people who I just don't like, people whose company bores me shitless and smug individuals with limited empathy and almost zero conversation (many of that last type in Canberra).
So here's the thing, you don't have to like everybody you know, regardless of how much shared time you have in common. If you want to hang out with this character (personally I don't, but then there are a lot of people from that period I wouldn't waste my time on either) its your call. Bear in mind if you decide to mend bridges, there will be a 'what next' scenario.