Thursday, November 16, 2006

A beginning ! Of sorts !

I feel my last post was possibly too negative ( and hey - probably childish as well ), so in order to be a little more positive ( and to dwell in a more mental 'happy-place' ) I thought I'd share a piece of creative writing with you.

But also because :

a) Hix said I should try and use my blog to be more creative, or to HONE my creativity. This sounded like a good idea.
b) My crippling 'blog-envy' leads me to think that few people are actually going to read this anyway!
c) It might encourage me to keep on with the story.

It's the start to a story I've had kicking around in my head for awhile. It's hard to describe - but ultimately it's about the war between Angels and Demons, and how both sides employ technology to different ( and questionable ) ends.

It's a first draft - and not very long - but see what you think.


The Blade-Ships screamed in towards Harmony 16, low and fast, blur shields masking their already indistinct outlines in the burning sky. Threads of crimson energy lanced down from the orbital defense platforms, desperately trying to lock on to the raiders as they twisted and rolled, their outer hulls seeming to waver and seethe – angry wasps seen through a highway mirage.

Weaving though the suppressing fire from the ground batteries - the odd singularity shell tearing dimension rips, unreality trailing in their wake - the bomb hatches slid open, payloads of Spring Blossoms dropping over the shield dome of the central cathedral. The broad, curving bodies of the petal bombs tumbled slowly, end over end, seeming almost to dance like autumn leaves in their slow decent.

The orbital platforms turrets scrambled into overdrive – lock on the crazily tumbling casing, fire rift cannons, acquire new target. Lock – fire. Lock – fire. The boiling skies raining shafts of searing light, Spring Blossoms caught in the deathly assault bursting apart as their chaos guidance systems ruptured, shards of petal bomb skipping crazily off the arcing city defense screen.

Too many – no way for the central computer cores to anticipate all the potential trajectories, no way to stop all of the chaos weapons.

As the Spring Blossoms entered the energy field of the city shields, their suspended power sinks switched from dormant into active. Gorged on the very power supposed to keep them penetrating last line of Harmony, they suddenly dropped screaming into the empty streets and highways. But there were no explosions, no mushrooming plasma storms, no cataract-whiteness of EMP detonation.

The petal bombs had been specially modified for this particular attack.

Jury-rigged personal shields hummed into activation around the slick crimson casing, scanners swept the surrounding buildings. Satisfied that the next stage could viably be completed –they engaged their inter-dimensional links, silently calling back to the Abyss as the fabric of the D-Bridges generated around them.

The infantry were coming.


It still needs some work and editing ( there are some repetitious wording and clumsy structure that seriously bug me ) - but it's a start. I liked the idea of bombs or missiles using chaos theory to beat a defence system.

Next time I might share the VERY different first-person account of a teacher punching out a student ( yup - based on me and an unfortunately all too real student who I seriously considered decking once ) which is supposed to fit into the same story.

Don't ask me how.


Anonymous said...

It's very excitingly written! Very fast paced.

My only concern would be with the amount of netaphors, adjectives and adverbs....there's quite a lot. If that's intentional, grand.

I figured out the storyline of my book today! I feel relieved and exultant.

Seraph said...

Thanks for the feed-back Jenni !

Yeah - I hear you on the descriptive 'heap'. The idea was to be a kind of sensory assault - to go long with the attack idea, but I'll probably pare it back in editing. But I'm happy that it seemed exciting and fast-paced - that was kind of the feeling I was going for.

I am jealous of your storyline power ! And your extra thousand words ! An actual 'story' would be the next step for me ...

Anonymous said...

Storyline: In my case, I was walking along thinking about the story and I realised I had no villain. Once I worked out who the villain was, the story seemed obvious.

It's essentially a hero quest I think. Very Narnia/Alice in Wonderland/Poison, etc. Hopefully not derivative though...

Remind me to talk to you about what I've learned about writing to appeal to teen boys sometime.