Monday, February 19, 2007

Ranking Geeks

A friend of mine caught me at some party I was at last year and said to me “I didn’t know you played battletech!”.

He may as well said “I didn’t know you were a dung-eating baby rapist!”

Apparently “Death From Above” is some term for a combat move in the Battletech game ( I think it is where your massive robot war-machine launches itself into the stratosphere and comes hurtling down on an enemy massive robot war-machine, crushing the ever-lovin’ snot out of it ). Had I know this – I would have probably named the blog “Like You Care” ( my original, if somewhat negative, idea ).

Why am I telling you this ? After I had given my friend a chance to explain himself and beg for his life – my mind turned to the hierarchy of geekdom. Which geeks occupy which strata of the geek pecking order ?

It’s something which has kept me thinking on and off for the last few months. I was going to start writing about this ages ago, but one thought stayed my hand.

I’m going to offend just about everyone I know doing that.

It was a problem I wrestled with for a good long time. I rationalize things this way :

1. I will belong to just about every one of the groups and sub-groups.

And, more importantly:

2. Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke !

And so – in the interest of science and furthering the legacy of mankind, I present to you …


1. Board-Gamers

Coming in at number one and occupying the highest level on the social power level – the board gamers. Board gamers tend to have the most social cross-over of any of the geek pursuits. A good board game will draw in Normals with their intricate shapes-designs-colours, strong and ( usually ) fairly engaging themes and general levels of fun. Show me someone who wouldn’t enjoy a game like “Modern Art”, and I’ll show you a cold-hearted miserly soul who should be committed to an asylum before they ritually murder someone.

Board-Game Geeks are able to engage in lively social discourse while gaming, are fun to be around, generally have excellent levels of presentation and self-grooming. They also tend to great in thinking on their feet, adapting to new situations, and have extensive vocabularies. Board-Game Geeks tend to fit in so well with Normals, they often can be mistaken for them. Normals with only discover their true nature when they attempt a ‘conversion’ – inviting unsuspecting Normals to their houses ( or ‘lairs’ ) where they will wile them with good food, fine wine – and then introduce the idea of ‘just a quick game’ of something. Maybe something disarming like “Settlers of Catan”. The unsuspecting Normal – their senses scrambled, will usually agree. Much like H. Giger’s Alien – the Board-Game Geek with implant it’s egg in the warm head-meats of it’s victim, ensuring the propagation of the species and a new generation of devotees.

The only thing standing in the way of a global New World Order of Board-Game Geeks is the mental block that society introduces at a very early age.

The name of this block is called "Monopoly". The Mental lesions this 'game' ( in fact - it is less of a game and more 'an incitement to riot' and a 'just cause to make blood-kin ingest significant amounts of plastic hotels' ) causes, and the subsequent traumatic scarring generally mean that the Board-Game Geek has their work cut out for them in 'converting' Normals ( even with REALLY good blueberry muffins ), and thus their society is preserved, despite the in-roads that the wily Board-Game Geek has made in recent years.

Board-Game Geeks make top of the list eh ? Who would have thought it ? So - just which group comes in at number 2 ? Stay tuned, gentle reader. Stay tuned.


dog-eared soul said...

must know now ... please share the rest of the list. and is that your eye in the picture?

Seraph said...

The fact that there is at least one person who is interested in this insanity will ensure that all ten groups which make up the geek rainbow will be completed in full ! As Axle Rose sang though "All you need is patience .... yeeeeaaaaahhhhh-eeeaaahhh."

I promise - I'll finish it ( even though it may well damn me in the eyes and hearts of just about everyone who knows and accepts me ! ).

The eye ? I WISH I could say it's mine. But it's not. It's just a cool pic I found on-line.


I think I will try and do something similar with a photo of mine though ... that's if I can figure out how to do it on photoshop ...