Thursday, April 20, 2006

Boobs !

Okay - so, I'm down at the semi-local video rental establishment. I get a couple of discs to keep me entertained at home and I'm on my way out the door when I spy this month's "Game Console" magazine. "Game Console" is the video game news equivalent of your local weekly rag. It's free though - which is always a bonus. I grab a copy and, safely back home, sit down to glance over it while I eat my lunch.

Everything is quite happy, until I get to the last page advertisement.

It's for the new Tomb Raider game "Legend" ( though technically the game appears to be called "Lara Croft : Tomb Raider : Legend" for some obscure marketing reason ). I enjoyed the earlyish TR games. One was pretty good ( especially considering the time ), two was great, three was too freaking huge ( seriously - it took FOREVER to get round those levels - I just gave up in the end ), four was very cool - though I never got round to beating it, and I never played the last ones ( though I heard that "Angel of Darkness" was pretty pants ). So I've been looking forward to seeing how this one plays. However - right underneath the game logo on the advertisement was the following quote from the official Australian Playstation 2 magazine :

"Lara is as agile as the Prince of Persia and as swift as the God of War. And she's got boobs."

My brain literally shut down for a good minute or so.

WHAT ???? WHAT the HELL did you say ??? OMG - STFU !!!!

Viva doesn't seem to think it's all that bad - but I'm amazed that someone could have thought that a) It was a especially clever thing to say in the first place, and b) that it was worth repeating in a freaking ad for the game !

What it seems to be saying to me is "Hey - Lara Croft is now completely derivative of games like "Prince of Persia" and "God of War" - but you still want to buy it, you pimple infested, wank-crazed little adolescent, because she has hooters ! You LOVE hooters! "

I realise that I'm probably not in their target demographic or something like that ... but c'mon ! I think if it were really 'boobs' that were the driving force here, they are woefully underestimating their target audience. Nerdy 13-14 yr olds ? I'm pretty sure they are aware of a plethora of web-sites and news groups were they can see as many non-polygonal boobs as they want for significantly less that the $99.95 RRP that "Legend" is being sold for. I'm willing to bet that there are whole web sites dedicated to Lara Croft look-alikes wearing a whole lot less than her signature 'Daisy Duke' cut shorts and crop-top too.

For the love of god - what next ?

"Hey kids ! Tune into TV2 at six for another repeat of 'Friends" ! ... Rachael and Monica have BOOBS !"

"Here's a new music video from Haley Westenra ... she has BOOOOOOOOOOBS !"

"It's Christmas day - here's the Queen's address to the Commonwealth ... She has BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!!"


Why not tell us that Lara Croft has a uterus instead ? Or XX chromosomes ? Or a large number of shoes ? That would get my attention a lot more !

And now I'm going to see what happens when I type in "Lara Croft + boobs" into Google...

Someone wants to know why Lara's boobs are bigger than her head. Hmmmm. An intriguing question. Oh ! Some wily quipster has said it's because she suffers from "Breastus Hugeous" !!!
How funny he is !

And now I'm going to try and resist the urge to jump off something high !


Meredith said...

When did Haley Westenra get boobs?!

Seraph said...

... I was being ... ironic ?

Argh - damn, looks like you got me on that one I guess. I didn't really think that one though. Mind you - it does show that I'm not entirely fixated on boobs though, and that's gotta be worth something !

Meredith said...

It'll be quite relevant in 3 years when she hits puberty, so just keeping blogging till then ;)