Bubbajay and the boys - a pretty furious Dracula

Gargh - JUNIOR reports finally done. I was here at school ALL weekend, and till eight last night. It's my own fault really. I should have gotten my arse in gear ealier. Ah well.

I took Friday off to have some of the guys round to waste time playing games and drinking beer. Not that I actually drank any beer I think. It was good times all round - cos not ONLY were my cronies Hix and Richardo present, my long time ( and well missed ) buddy Bubbajay was in town on one of his semi-shady business trips. I'm not sure exactly what it is he sells - but I think it might be kryptonite to various super-villian leagues.

Anyway - fun all round !

I discovered that I can get MUCH better points in SingStar if I sing in a stupidly squeeky voice. Go figure.

Gem of the nights gaming was a round of "Fury of Dracula". Once again, I donned the cape and pointy teeth and rampaged across Europe in a torrent of blood and ... more blood !

Huh - I WISH that's what happened anyway. Yeesh - I got OWNED in that game ! In fact, I'd go as far as to say I got p0wn3d ! Cripes. I was all like "Foolish mortals ! To challenge the might of Dracula ! ... Hey - where did they get all those suspiciously glowing crosses from ? And what's with those bullets in the boxes marked "Specially Blessed by the the Archbishop" ? Should they have a lynch mob on their side ? ... Maybe I'd better get my vampiric ass outta town ..."

So about three of the hunters caught me in London in the middle of the day. Ouch. I pretty much got the crap slapped out of me - I managed to get back to the mainland - but Van Helsing caught me and popped a cap in me. Exit Vlad Tepes - stage left.

Still - a very fun game, and a very fun night.

Next time - I'm playing a hunter though.

Seraph for minister of foreign relations !

I had one of my laughing seizures in the staff room the other day. It was quite a eye-opener for most of the staff in our conversation conclave ( though if you've known me for any great length of time you'll know that these fits of uncontrollable laughing and giggling are pretty regular ).

It has been much remarked on already.

The reason for my mirth ? It all started with one of the staff recounting her experiences with food in her worldly travels. Y'know - all the gross things she's sorta been forced to eat as not to cause huge amounts of dishonour to her hosts. Live baby turtles, dog stew, various forms of locust or grasshopper, even a 'monkey pie' ( hell - isn't that one of the funniest things you've heard ? A MONKEY-pie ? Even the word is freaking great ! If you wanted specifics - apparently it was a 'mostly-baboon-pie'. She didn't really want to know what the other stuff was ).

But that's not what I was laughing at.

I started thinking along these lines - what if that while 'dishonour' thing is a scam ? ( yeah - I KNOW it isn't really ). What if these people were just trying to see what horrible stuff they could get these western tourists to eat. You could imagine these guys heading off to the bookies afterwards - "Hey Achmed ! Those backpackers totally ate that bowl full of fried pig ovaries ! That was, what ? Ten to one odds ? It's time a started getting some money back from you after the whole mashed locust patties ...".

But THAT'S not what I was laughing at.

Logically - after a train of thought like that, you start thinking of payback ( because if there's ONE thing that 'ole Seraph stands for - it's REVENGE ! ). I started to imagine volunteering to host a visiting teacher from one of our sister schools overseas, and seeing what crap I could get away with feeding them on the pretense that it was a "great honour" to be served such a delicacy.

And I was laughing about that for a good long while.

"Oh - you're in for a treat tonight Mr. Chang ! A New Zealand national meal - Lawn-clipping Surprise ! Down in one ! Down in one ! Down in one !"

The reason for my silence

Report writing has been getting me down. It freaking sucks. I was in here all day Sunday - trying to get my comments done. I probably could have finished the whole process much faster than I did - but I just couldn't stay "on task" ( a phrase I myself typed a great many times over the long stretch of Sunday ... ). In the end I threw in the towel and went home at around 6pm, because I was feeling pretty sick. I was here till about half six last evening too finishing the bastards off.

Usually I can get into a sort of report writing 'zone' - this special headspace you can occupy to dance the patterns of linguistic subterfuge needed these days so young people's delicate self-esteem isn't irreparably dinged. You WANT to say "Quentin is a piece of human shaped filth and a prime example of all that is wrong with mankind. I recommend he be used for live organ harvesting so that a worithier soul may enjoy the gift of life. The sooner he is moldering in his grave the better for all inhabitants of the universe" ? Well you have to say something like "Quentin is a lively individual, but would be better served focusing his attention into activities within the scope of lesson activities. There are promising developments ahead in the subject area of science, with definate interest in surgery". Or something like that.

And I still have my JUNIOR reports hanging above me, sword of Damocles like ! They'll be even worse. Sigh.

Monster film hijinks - in with a chance !

Last night was the heats showing of my teams 48 Hour Film Competition entry "Monster Hunter IV : Beyond Repair".

Man - it ROCKED !

It was the first time I had seen it ( most of the other members of the team saw it on the Sunday night - I had gone home by this stage. I was tired, I had to iron clothes, I was hungry - and seeing as mushrooms make me sick, I decided not to partake of the mushroom pasta that was kindly whipped up for the team. I appreciate the gesture though ). It looked good! It sounded good! Debz was amazing as Diana Jones - the badass monster hunter! Luke was disarming as Robin Slade - the upbeat monster diffusing kinda guy! We had wicked looking stunts ! I looked good as a corpse !

The weekend was fun - though there was a lot of waiting ( a good amount of it in the rain ). I've learnt that there's a lot of this in films if you act in them. Viva was, on the other hand , gloriously busy in her role as assistant-director ( she did such a great job I thought - sure, I'm biased - but she was still great ! ).

My contribution to the film was being one of the mooks - or in more un-hip parlance, one of Diana Jones' elite monster hunting thugs. I had to stand and look mean in one shot with the rest of the mooks ( there were five of us ). I had to also stalk through mud in a combat style ( I also learned to hold a hand gun in a 'proper' way ). My big moment was my 'hero' death. I was actually kinda nervous about the shot - it was one of those "You get ONE crack at this - don't screw this up" moments. I had to stand back to back with another Mook - turn slowly ( scanning the surrounding bush ) to face her. THEN I had to see the monster ( who was a melty faced guy ) off screen behind her. I had to register shock/horror/revulsion - and then my Mook partner was supposed to get glooped off frame - and that's when two guys off frame were going to splatter me with fake blood ( make from golden syrup, chocolate sauce and food coloring ...man - I hope that doesn't violate some kind of secret. Don't want Peter Jackson kicking my arse - though I'm pretty sure I have the weight advantage on him now ...). Then I freak out - then the monster kills me. Fun !

The first time the guys were supposed to "gore" me, they missed completely - getting my co-Mooks shoulder instead - though they DID manage to get a bit of blood on me too - just enough so it was a pain to get off. Ah well.

I was really worried afterwards - cos it didn't feel like I had really nailed it. It didn't look too bad on screen - though I know I could have done it better...

The last thing I did was to be dead in a frame with my likewise dead co-Mook - the whole eyes staring lifelessly from my expired corpse. Now THAT was alright !

To be honest - even if I had had nothing to do with our film, I STILL would have ranked it at least second. The "road-movie" from out heat was pretty funny, and I gave the "Based-on-a-true" story a second place - even though it wasn't REALLY in genre ( but it WAS pretty freaking funny ). I hope we win that round - I think we deserve to.

I now want to learn some mad animation skillz - so I can create a logo piece as cool as the "Long Live Megatron!" teams one! Nothing says cool quite so much as a mental looking robot firing a automatic weapon wildly while screaming "Long Live Megatron!" ( So cool ! ). I'd love to know what application they used ...

The Mystery is Solved

So my pal Hix found the book. It was wedged into the passesnger door compartment thing that I forgot was there. I have NO idea how it managed to get in there. We were making a mad dash from Porirua to Kingston to deliver the last tape from our team's 48 Hour film shoot - and he just yanked it out and said - "Hey, I found 'The Gunslinger' ".

I was so sure I throughly checked the car. Damn.

I'll write something about the film competition experience soon. Briefly - it was another cool experience. I didn'y have nearly as big a role in it this year - but I got to get blood splashed in my face and then I had to play dead in a shot.

All very fun.

Fake blood tastes a lot better than real blood too. In case you're ...y'know... interested.

Not that I drink a lot of blood or anything.

I'll stop talking now.

The Mystery of the Lost Book

The production is FINALLY over. Yay! It's so good not to be consumed by fear and doubt anymore!

As is the way with students, they pulled themselves together remarkably in the last two or three practices. The started actually DOING the things that I had been asking/telling them to do since the start. I think I said to a staff member sitting beside me in the final dress rehearsal "When the hell did they start doing this ? Which practice did I miss ?".

The production went very well. All the staff members who saw it said it was great - so that's cool. Most of my puppetry ideas worked really well, so that too was a bonus.

And now it's time to drink until I forget about the WHOLE thing...

In "infuriating things happening to Seraph" - I have lost a book. It has been pissing me off no end. I got a second hand copy of "The Gunslinger ( revised and expanded version )" which I had never read before. I started reading in Saturday afternoon before I went in to the theatre for the final performance of the production. I put it down SOMEWHERE ... and now I can't find it. I just have no idea where I put it. What makes it doubly annoying is that I had thought of taking it in with me to the performance ( in case I had some down time where I didn't need to be running around like a headless chook, or if I had to be backstage during the performance - to make sure the kids didn't trash the green room ). I have no clear memory of actually taking it with me though. I turned the house upside down on Sunday ( working myself into a stress induced breakdown of sorts ). I searched my satchel, I searched my car. I checked the lost property that we brought back from the play. I called the theatre itself. Nothing.

It's really making me quite cross.

I have also found some other items hard to track down recently. Some of my toys seem to have disappeared ... as well as the "County Love Songs" CD I borrowed from my mum ( not ACTUALLY real country love songs - more humour really. There's a song on there called "Took a lot of pills and died" which is hilarious. Seriously ! You'd like it ! ).

And Viva WAS at home with the book for some time ( presuming I did indeed leave it at home - which does look increasingly likely ).

Hmmmm.

I wonder.

That's what those smily things are for !

The lights come up on our stage. Theatre flats have been arranged to form a corner, facing out into the audience at a 45 degree angle. We see the back of Seraph. He is facing into the corner wearing a large white paper cone on his head. When he turns to face the audience we can see a large letter 'D' printed on the front in vivid marker.

Seraph - "What? You're kidding me, right ? I don't have to tell THEM about this, do I ?"

Disembodied electronically disguised voice - "It's the LEAST you can do - you scumbag."

S - "Hey ! That wasn't cool !"

DEDV - "You're telling me it isn't warranted ?"

Seraph sighs.

S - " ... No"

DEDV - "Alright then. Get on with it."

Seraph faces the audience.

S - "SOooooooooooo ... I bet you're wondering why I'm wearing the dunce cap, huh ? It's a symbol of contrition. I did something PRETTY dopey earlier this week. But I DID learn a valuable lesson. I learnt that things that I think are funny might not be received in the same way ... Especially if said funny thing is transmitted through the medium of an e-mail."

"I'm at work - and I'm in a good mood even though the production is KILLING me, because our office is FINALLY getting the renovations done to such a degree that I actually get a proper desk. Life is good ! I get an e-mail from a friend - who has just done an incredibly cool thing for me by downloading a large and rather silly piece of animation via broadband. She jokingly refers to a couple of my fellow teachers as scumbags - they missed out on some cool deal or something because they didn't reply to an e-mail.

'AH ! She just called D. And C. A scumbag ! They are so not scum-bags ! I delight in the contradiction !'. I have no real idea of what kind of deal they missed out on - there was technical language. I copy and paste the comment into an e-mail to both of my colleagues - 'They'll know what this means better than me ... and they'll enjoy the scumbag reference as well ! Laughs all round !". I mention in the e-mail ( in what I thought was a pretty clear way) that I "didn't know if M. is joking or not !". I title the e-mail "And the horse you rode in on !" - referencing a well known joke ( what I thought to be well known anyway ).

I then have to lose my connection to the network while some renovation things go on.

When I get back onto the network ( it must have been an hour or so later ) - there were two e-mails waiting for me.

One was from my colleague D. It simply said "I'll deal with this personally."

Uh oh. I didn't like the sound of that tone.

The other one was from M. It said something like "Holy crap S ! It was a JOKE for Christ's sake!" Following it was the message that D. had sent her. The 'I'll take care of this' one. It was pretty stone cold ! It went on about how he did not appreciate being called a scumbag. He did not appreciate his colleague being called a scumbag. There were other words. They were bad.

Fuck !

I felt pretty bad about the whole thing. Needless to say I apologized to both parties ( with a more 'how the hell could you NOT tell this was a joke?' vibe to D. ).

Gargh."

DEDV - "This isn't the first time your so-called sense of humour got you into trouble, is it ?"

S - "What ? You're not going to mention - "

DEDV - "Remember how Jodie broke up with you after that joke you made ?"

S - "Shut up man ! I don't want to think about that ! That was freaking traumatizing !"

DEDV - "Or what about the time you told that bunch of vegetarians that you hated vegetarians because they were taking an evolutionary back-step ?"

S - "Oh come on ! They weren't listening to the tone ! It's all about the TONE ! Those fuckers needed to chill out ! It was a party for crying out loud !"

DEDV - "I think it was when you said that they didn't deserve to have eyes on the front of their face that really offended them. You should have seen the way they looked at you when you asked how a lack of peripheral vision hampered their chances in the herd ..."

S - " ... You might have a point. Okay - so I should be more careful about sharing things that I think are funny. Especially in e-mails. But YOU have to concede that SOME people should lighten the hell up !"

DEDV - "Fair enough"

S - "... Does that mean I can take this thing off now ?"

DEDV - "Oh, I think you'll have to be wearing that for a while yet."

Lights fade

S - "Awwww man."

Gagging for it

Oh dear - boys are pretty funny sometimes.

I was taking one of my junior performing arts classes today - it was last lesson ( trouble ), it was a Friday ( double - trouble ) and a big inter-house competition had just been cancelled due to rain ( run to the hills ! ).

There were some girls from our sister school in, they had the day off. I think their teachers all got ebola or something. Anyway - one of them walks past the door. These doors are mostly wood - they have this narrow pane of window space, she couldn't have been visible for more than a second. But see her they did.

A chorus goes up from a few of them "A GIRL !!!"

The general crowd ( whose 'girl-o-vision' can't have been working too well today ) echoes back "WHERE ??!?!?"

"There are just a few girls from the production next door helping with props ... " - man, was THAT the wrong thing to say !

"There are MORE ???!!?!" cries one of them.

"HERE ???!?!?!" came they general response from everyone else in the class.

I came close to getting the emergency fire reel and hosing them all down in an effort to shut them up !

Sheesh - I hope I was never THAT sad as a second former ! Mind you - I went to a co-ed school, so I got to see girls everyday. Probably took some of the magic out of it.

Binary

I spent a non-contact lesson today cutting out large cardboard 1's and 0's. I don't even teach maths !

Let it never be said that teaching is career which lacks variety.

Or that cutting out about 40 1's and 0's out of tough art-folio art is an easy thing to do.

I just hope Jenni is coping with the giant plush squirrels that I've contracted her to make for me.

...It just gets weirder and weirder doesn't it ?

Geekfest 2006

Freaking back to work tomorrow. Oh goodie.

Yeah, yeah – I realise that many of you will have very little sympathy for me. “Oh you teachers – all this time off … why don’t you go and issue parking tickets or something in your so-called holidays ?”

However, before YOU go bashing a teacher you know, saying they have too much time off, answer me this – why aren’t you a teacher ?

Yup – I know what you’re thinking. And THAT’S why we get that time off. It’s because we flipping NEED it ! After two weeks of winding down I’m only just feeling somewhat human again.

I was pretty good over the break though. I did a bit of marking just about everyday – and I mopped up the last of it today. So that’s good.

In other news – I went to the “Armageddon – Pop Culture Expo” yesterday. It was okay. I mostly went to listen to the guest speakers. Hix wanted to hear these two comic guys first thing – they wrote something called “Infinite Crisis” ( though one of the guys drew for “The Invisibles” which is pretty cool ). I was reminded ( as if I needed to be ) of the massive weight of geekiness at these things by the very first question of the day – some guy complaining bitterly about how Hal Jordan ( I think the original Green Lantern ) was now back from the dead in the comics, and why why WHY did comics feel the need to do this. I suffered quite an acute feeling of embarrassment while this question was asked. But the two guys were very patient – they carefully make sure they knew what the guy was actually upset about, and then explained that comics are very cyclic in nature – much like soap operas, and JUST like soap operas sometimes characters do come back from the dead ( and that if these types of stories bothered him, that it might be time to stop reading comics ). They were pretty interesting.

There was Claudia Christian ( Ivanova in “Babylon 5” ) who was as cool as she was the last time I saw her in Auckland. Then there was some guy who played some alien doctor in “Enterprise”. I never got into that show, but that guy was a scream !

The big draw of the day was Jewel Whats-her-face, the woman who plays the character of Kaylee in the sci-fi show “Firefly”. She was pretty cool, and had some good stories to tell about the show. The ‘flipping-the-bird” war she was having with the guy who played Mal. That was pretty damn funny – especially how she claims to have won the war after getting about three thousand fans at a convention to flip him off. Heh.

I caught a little bit of the guy who was the original Bo Duke from the Dukes of Hazzard ( I thought that the guy was from the new FILM of the Dukes … d’oh ! ). They also had the General Lee there ( I’m pretty sure it was one of the original ones … though how the hell would I know ? ).

I’m kinda glad that I don’t like much in the way of Manga or Animae. I think a few my more Asian animation orientated friends spent a WHOOOOOOLE lot of cash on DVDs and such. In comparison I didn’t spend much. I picked up a copy of ‘Senenity’ on DVD ( for the ludicrous price of $15 !! AND they threw in a Serenity mouse pad ! Freaking bonus ! ) and a couple of graphic novels that were going cheap.

So, a fun day. And I hardly wanted to kill anyone !

---

The 48 hour film competition draws ever closer. I’m really happy that our school production isn’t going to get in the way of my taking part ( which I had confirmed on Thursday – say gawd-BOMB! ). At the very least I’ll be a grip – though I’m hoping ( and attempting to back up with a campaign of kick-backs, black mail and out-and-out threats to the writers ) that there’ll be a fairly decent part for me to play as an actor. I’m hoping we get either the ‘crime’ or ‘action’ genre. A part for a scary looking bald guy ? Forget about it !

Never again

Oh dear God ...

I pretty much spent the whole day playing video games with Hix and eating Burger Rings.

Now I feel sick. Blergh.

Mum was right !

I'm going to lie down somewhere and whimper pitifully until Viva gets me some kind of drug to make me feel better. Either that or a stomach pump.

Oh great - now Shadow has brought in a mouse and is meeping loudly - wanting priase for her mighty hunting skills. Oh - it's dead at least. That's something I guess. Right - well it's time for "The Cleaner" to get to work ...

Tasty Lime ...

So - this is that 'weird' drawing I was talking about a couple of posts ago. Pretty weird, huh ? The competition gave you this window of space, and three 'squiggles' in it - which translate to the curve of the top of Mecha-Nessie's head, the right hand curve of the lime peel and the top curve of the spatula shield.

I'm pretty happy with it so far. I'm looking foward to the colouring process ! Once I get some funky colours going on in the digital version - I think I'm going to turn it into a t-shirt. I seriously lack some seriously weird t-shirts.

Thanks to the fabulous Jenni and Lee for letting me borrow their scanner to key this in !

When Stick-Insects Attack - pt 2

The bastards ! They lurk in the trees ... supposedly eating, ummm , LEAVES I guess. But I know the truth - they're just biding their time, waiting for the moment where they can get you all alone ... and then they feast on your warm blood in an orgy of exoskeletor flesh rending terror ! Even when they're DEAD they still cause me grief !

Those who know me may remember my previous stories of stick-insects. One with a ceratin bucket. Yes - you'll remember the inhuman cunning of these beasts.

So - Viva and I are eating our lunch, well deserved after hauling a heap of the previous house owners junk to the dump ( finding out on the way that the nearest land-fill is now closed. Was there some kind of announcement made about that anywhere ? A colour supplement maybe ? Because I missed that message ! ). I have put on a DVD of "Black Books", and we are giggling away at the merry antics of Bernard and Manny.

In a chance glance accross at Viva's feet - I notice a very ODD looking twig resting on her feet. "Hey - those sub-twiggy growths look a bit like legs ..." I think to myself, turning my attention back to the comedy.

A bad thought is rising up from my centtral cortex. I look back at her feet. Yup - they certainly DO look a LOT like legs.

In fact - they ARE legs.

It's a particularly LARGE stick-insect.

I must admit - my first thoughts were, pretty much in this order :

1) Man - I'm glad that thing isn't on me !
2) I have to get out of here !
3) - 9) - See '3'
10) ... Must save Viva !

I spent one or two moments weighing up how best to break this too her. Viva is better with insects than I am ( I tend to be in charge of mice and bird extraction around here ) - but in the case of wetas and stick-insects, it's a close run thing.

I figure that the "OH MY FREAKING LORD ! WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE THING ON YOUR SHOE??!!?!" approach, while honest, might be on the ... blunt side of things. I really don't want to instill panic. I decide on a slightly subtler approach.

"Now - I don't want to panic you or anything hon," I say - using the gentle tones of TV vets I've seen on the Animal Channel talking to barely contained wild dogs - "But there appears to be a rather large stick insect on your shoe..." - and with this I get up and try to hide in the dining room.

She doesn't move. This thing is perched and ready to savage the first one who gets close enough to it's whirling fangs of terror. Viva, in equally gentle tones ( though somehow managing to get accross an equally clear promise of a swift casual shoe to the groin if reactions arn't quick enough in coming ) says "Don't ... just ... STAND ... there. Get ... it ... OFF ... me !"

Hmmm. I marvel at her self control. Had it been me - I would have been probably chewing my way through the floor at about mach 3 to get away from the little bastard ! "Okay - okay ! I hurridely answer "Let me just ... get ... SOMETHING to get it off with!" - I run to the laundry, and return with a broom. I try and poke it off - but the thing WON'T move ! It seems to have hooked Viva's laces with it's little barbed feet of horrible DOOM ! I think Viva might have been urgently whispering "GETITOFFMEGETITOFFMEGETITOFFME..." - but I could have been imagining that.

Finally I manage to shove it off - and Viva is OFF that couch in a nanosecond ! Her agility and adrenalin soaked speed were really something to see. I doubt, in all my girly terror, that I could have mustered anything near that velocity. She's now in the dining room - urgently asking me "WHERE is IT ? WHERE ISSSSSS IT !?? Where did it go !!??".

This is an extraordinarily good question. I thought I had flicked it onto the floor under the coffee table. I look underneath it - my broom out in front of me like a spear. It's not there.

I start to warily step back towards Viv - I remember the demonic celerity these things can move at if fresh blood is there for the having. We are soon standing almost back to back - ready to take on this thing the moment it rears it's hideous little insectoid head.

Now - it bears mentioning at this point that part of Viv's lunch had included a bunch of grapes. She had JUST finished them off before I gave her the heads-up on the insect-show situation. When she had gotten up it seems she had flung the twiggy stem of the grape behind her - right into the dining room. Interestingly enough - in ended up RIGHT between us on the floor.

So - when we can't see a sign of it - calling out to each other things that many a horror movie victim have said in their final moments of screen life ( 'Where is it ? It can't have just disappeared !" - "There's no sign of it !" - "Quiet ! It'll hear us !" - "We're not going to make it out of this alive!!" - "I've got a BAD feeling about this ... ") - Viva, naturally checks the ground at her feet.

She sees twiggy-sticky thing.

She then screams pretty much right at my head.

Then its BEDLAM in the dining room / lounge for a good minute. Fun times !

The REAL stick insect was actually still on the couch. Seems I might have ... imagined ... it dropping off onto the floor. Turns out the thing was dead all along ( not that that made me feel better about it being there ... I certainly don't discount the idea of vampire stick-insects... not NOW anyway ). Where and HOW it got on to Viva's shoe is more of a mystery.

I figure that Viva taking into our house WITHOUT our invitation to enter knocked the hellish life-force from it. I was all for it being beheaded and then cramming it's head with holy wafers ... but Viv wasn't willing to do that. In the end I was just happy for her to get it in a plastic bag and stuff it in the bin in the garage.

Still.

I'm sure that garlic we have in the pantry is getting old. Might have to bin it ... y'know, just to be safe.

Boobs !

Okay - so, I'm down at the semi-local video rental establishment. I get a couple of discs to keep me entertained at home and I'm on my way out the door when I spy this month's "Game Console" magazine. "Game Console" is the video game news equivalent of your local weekly rag. It's free though - which is always a bonus. I grab a copy and, safely back home, sit down to glance over it while I eat my lunch.

Everything is quite happy, until I get to the last page advertisement.

It's for the new Tomb Raider game "Legend" ( though technically the game appears to be called "Lara Croft : Tomb Raider : Legend" for some obscure marketing reason ). I enjoyed the earlyish TR games. One was pretty good ( especially considering the time ), two was great, three was too freaking huge ( seriously - it took FOREVER to get round those levels - I just gave up in the end ), four was very cool - though I never got round to beating it, and I never played the last ones ( though I heard that "Angel of Darkness" was pretty pants ). So I've been looking forward to seeing how this one plays. However - right underneath the game logo on the advertisement was the following quote from the official Australian Playstation 2 magazine :

"Lara is as agile as the Prince of Persia and as swift as the God of War. And she's got boobs."

My brain literally shut down for a good minute or so.

WHAT ???? WHAT the HELL did you say ??? OMG - STFU !!!!

Viva doesn't seem to think it's all that bad - but I'm amazed that someone could have thought that a) It was a especially clever thing to say in the first place, and b) that it was worth repeating in a freaking ad for the game !

What it seems to be saying to me is "Hey - Lara Croft is now completely derivative of games like "Prince of Persia" and "God of War" - but you still want to buy it, you pimple infested, wank-crazed little adolescent, because she has hooters ! You LOVE hooters! "

I realise that I'm probably not in their target demographic or something like that ... but c'mon ! I think if it were really 'boobs' that were the driving force here, they are woefully underestimating their target audience. Nerdy 13-14 yr olds ? I'm pretty sure they are aware of a plethora of web-sites and news groups were they can see as many non-polygonal boobs as they want for significantly less that the $99.95 RRP that "Legend" is being sold for. I'm willing to bet that there are whole web sites dedicated to Lara Croft look-alikes wearing a whole lot less than her signature 'Daisy Duke' cut shorts and crop-top too.

For the love of god - what next ?

"Hey kids ! Tune into TV2 at six for another repeat of 'Friends" ! ... Rachael and Monica have BOOBS !"

"Here's a new music video from Haley Westenra ... she has BOOOOOOOOOOBS !"

"It's Christmas day - here's the Queen's address to the Commonwealth ... She has BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!!"

*Sigh*

Why not tell us that Lara Croft has a uterus instead ? Or XX chromosomes ? Or a large number of shoes ? That would get my attention a lot more !

And now I'm going to see what happens when I type in "Lara Croft + boobs" into Google...

Someone wants to know why Lara's boobs are bigger than her head. Hmmmm. An intriguing question. Oh ! Some wily quipster has said it's because she suffers from "Breastus Hugeous" !!!
How funny he is !

And now I'm going to try and resist the urge to jump off something high !

Eye implosions, moochy cat, knee surgery and cheese

Yay !! The holidays ! Man – I’m gonna play video games till my eyeballs implode! Oh yeah !

Perhaps I should clarify that last statement. I have not played a single solitary game of anything for the past ten weeks. Yeah – it’s this thing I do .. I try and get myself focused on work, and also try and get myself doing some more creative things too, by removing one of my most hideous addictions from my life for a short while. I started doing it a few years ago when I was working at a Catholic school. One year in the lead up to Easter someone was talking about lent. One of my female colleagues was giving up chocolate for the time of lent ( how long is that again ? I know it’s not ten weeks .. or is it ? Hell – I don’t remember at all ! I wonder if that means the Catholic police will come and bust my door in or something. … Errr – nope, it seems not ). I scoffed. “That’s easy ! I could go MONTHS without even thinking of chocolate !”.

So, when my colleague stopped screaming and trying to remove my eyeballs with a teaspoon, I quickly realised that chocolate means so much more to those of the female persuasion than most guys. Hmmm.
Anyway, she hits me with “What would YOU find really difficult to live without for awhile?”

My first thought was to quip back “Oxygen” – but she had that dangerous set to her eyes, so I actually thought about it for a moment. TV ? Yeah – that would be probably be hard to manage. Movies ? Oooooooo – ouch. That would hurt. … Video games ! Oh god – the humanity !

So after I said that I was pretty much honour bound to follow though and give up video games for lent ( my previous scoffing leading me, yet again, to painful destinations of horrible pain ).

And yeah – it was pretty hard. But I did it.

The following year I thought “Hey – I wonder if I could last a whole TERM ?”. And so my first-term-video-game-abstinence was born.

Funnily enough – one of the few actual creative things I’ve been doing is the weirdest drawing I could muster for a video game store competition. The irony isn’t lost on me.

So – what have I been falling off the wagon with ? I was kicking back and enjoying some “Psychonauts” on the ole PS2 today – and I have “God of War” cued up for some carnage later on tonight. There’s some pretty obscenely nasty violence in that game … but – y’know – it’s set in the towering mythology of Greek legends and such, so that must take the curse of it a bit …

I missed video games.

***

My cat has decided that it would be fun to lounge across my wrists while I’m trying to type this up. She is also taking offence to me moving as well – biting me in the wrists whenever I disturb her too much.

Freaking moochy cat. It’s not that she’s being friendly or anything – it’s just that I’m warm and she’s leaching heat off me.

Now she’s stretching herself over the touch pad. Gah.

***

I was very stupid yesterday and consequently have a bit of a sunburnt head. Ouch. Luckily it’s not too bad though. What IS bad is that there is a white line of still pallid skin where my sunglasses were shielding me – so that looks petty stupid. Who freaking expects to get sunburnt in the middle of autumn though ? I mean really ! It’s just not fair !
Viva ( my lovely wife ) and I went for a drive to see my folks. We were going to try and keep my dad entertained. He’s recently had some knee surgery to try and fix some problems, which were making it fairly painful for him to be moving about the place. Not cool. So – I thought he’d be bored out of his skull with having to stay pretty static throughout the day. Jeez – how wrong could you be ? The nutcase is hobbling around outside, continuing to build this Italian styled BBQ and wood-fire pizza oven. What’s MORE – he starts getting me to haul around sacks of cement, and get tools from various sheds and such – which is pretty much how I got my head burnt ( well – that and the outdoor lunch we had … ) ! He just can’t keep still. Still – he did say that it wasn’t his knee that was aching so much, more his back. Apparently he had some wicked injection in his spine or something as part of the anaesthetic process. Eeeesh. Forget THAT stuff !

The wood fire oven is pretty damned amazing though. He’s sculpted it out of river stones and bricks. I think I’m going have to head up the coast a bit more often to try and use that sucker !

We were going to go up and spend the day there on Friday when he was supposed to be leaving the hospital – but his knee started bleeding on the Thursday, and the surgeon wanted to keep him in for observation. I managed to get in to visit him that night – in the end. Things were just not going my way that night. First of all – I forgot that he wasn’t at Wellington hospital ! Argh ! It took me ages to drive around and find a park – the hospital is undergoing some major construction, and ALL its car parks were closed. I had to park somewhere in the hills of Newtown. Then I was trying to find some kind of reception area where I could find out where dad actually WAS in the warren of corridors and rooms. I’m not sure that there is one. After about fifteen minutes of looking for a map, trying to decipher where an information area might be without success, I thought that maybe I should ask someone. I was directed to an orderly station – where some long suffering guy seemed to run some kind of room by room algorithmic search routine – before telling me that there was no one in the hospital by the name of Mr. Seraph. It was at THAT point I remembered my sister saying something about how he WASN’T going to be in the Southern Cross Hospital this time. I mentioned this to the orderly-guy. He told me that the best bet was Wakefield Hospital – and gave me directions.

On making my way out the hospital – I gave my mum a quick call to tell her I had got the wrong hospital – but I’d soon be at Wakefield. Oh – how she laughed. BUT – as she talked she described how to get to Wakefield – directions which seems to be in stark contrast with those given to me by said long-suffering orderly.
I was confused. But who are you going to trust ? Your MOTHER – or some guy who didn’t seem to be too thrilled to be helping you out ? I took what I thought to be the directions my mum had given me.

So I ended up in Kilbirnie – with NOTHING in the way of the assured signage that would tell me that Wakefield Hospital would be around. It was at this point that I decided to try out the LSO’s advice. Which proved to be a winner. My mum later tried to argue that she had told me some OTHER directions ( which has a strong chance of being true – it WAS the last day of term, and I was pretty wiped out … mishearing things is not too hard a stretch ).

So when I finally got there ( grapes and marshmallow Easter rabbits in bag ) – I couldn’t stay too long, as I had to go pick my Viva at seven. I got to hang around for a half hour or so though.

***

Funny thing happened at the rehearsals for the school production last week. One of the students was supposed to say “Pretty please…” in this request that was being made. Instead of that – she said “With Cheese…”, which I thought was nicely surreal.

Vague review and plans - "My Life With Master" ( RPG )

Okay - so this year I went to Kapcom for the first time. It's a role-playing thing. Y'know - games. Dungeons and Dragons. Generic-Goth-Themed-Darktimes. That kind of thing. It was okay... I guess. When it was good - it was great. I played in one particulary cool game called "Bad-Ass Space Marines" which was a hell of a lot of fun. I also played in the best LARP I have ever been involved with ( but considering the previous three I had played in made me want to slash my OWN wrists because I couldn't get my hands on someone else's THROAT - I'm not too sure if that is such a glowing endorsement ... ). There were some cool people there, and the whole shindig was being run by some very cool people indeed. People I'd LIKE to say are my good pals, but who I really don't know well enough yet to say that about.

On the flip side - when it was bad ... it was pretty bad.

I'm sure it must be from teaching - but outside work now I have a ludicrously low tolerence level for people I find really annoying. And there were a LOT of REEEEAAAAAALLLLY annoying people there. The 'info meetings' were quite difficult to remain in control at. There is just something about a large group of geeks ... there's sort of a "safety field" that they generate which makes them think that anything they shout out is really really wet-your-pants funny. Again - I'm sure it's the teacher in me, but when you have someone trying to make an announcement to a fairly large group of people ... and random yahoos are interrupting the deal with some poorly observed bon-mot time and time again ... I just want to do terrible, terrible things to them.

Not a jury in the land would convict me. Even taking into account the chainsaw and pair of tweezers.

Right, well - what was I going on about ? Oh yeah - so, in the regular RPG group I game with three of the six of the members have picked up awards for running games. That's some good GM stuff going on. So I was thinking - "Hey, maybe I could run something this year...".

I've been mulling over what I could possibly run at such an event. Initially I was thinking of a game based on the "Resident Evil" video games. "The Fall of Raccoon City". Everyone likes zombies !

But then I rmembered a wee system that my pal Hix had picked up from somewhere ( "The Forge" I think - an independent RPG website ). "My Life With Master".

MLwM is kinda cool. The central premis is that you are the hideously deformed / deranged / sub-human servants of a 19th century styled evil "master" type guy. He orders you around and generally gets you to carry out his EVIL plans. The thing is that while you might be a horrendous piece of twisted physical and emotional wreckage - you ARE still, underneath is all, a person. What's more - you've kinda had enough of "The Master" and are trying to be free of their dominion over you. Every game ends up with the Master getting killed when the villagers of the nearby town finally have enough of the horrors unleashed by the Master - and come a'calling with pitchforks, scythes and flaming torched in tow.

All good fun.

The PC characters are both "More than human" and "Less than human". They get one special thing they can do most of the time - with a small window of situations which negates their unearthly power ( eg - they can fly, but not when it's raining, or they can lie completely convincingly, except to small children ). They also get one major limiting factor, also with a small window where they can avoid that setback ( eg - the PC is mute, except when singing hymns, or they move with a terrible limp - except when they are swinging though the cathedral belfrey ). Each character also has thee stats - weariness, Self-loathing and love. The Master generates a fear rating while the town are governed by reason. The basic idea for the players is to forge relationships with 'normal' people though role-playing, which they recieve love for ( you don't start out with any love - The Master is not that type of guy ! Gal. Whatever ... ). At the end of the game - the levels of weariness, selfloathing and love you have determine what actually happens to your character. You might successfully release yourself from the darkness of your previous life, or you might die ... or you might rise from the ashes as a new Master in your own right. While you get the broad idea - the player gets to paint the actual story themselves. I really like that about the game - there is a lot of involvement of the players in the actual story.

I ran a game of MLwM once last year. It was a bit of a shambles, though the players seemed to have fun. I wasn't quite up with the play on the rules. There was a lot of "What the hell do I do now?" going on with Hix ( who had actually, y'know, read the rules and consequently had a much better grasp of the game than I did ... ). I HAD changed the general '19th cent. horror" genre of the game though. My version was a more "James Bond" thing - the Master was this mad "Evil Genius" guy called Atari - and all his minions were named after 80's video games. The team the PC's were running were some of his freakish underlings. I kinda forget some of the names now ... I do remember the big 'muscle-thug' guy - Donkey Kong, who had a thing for Atari's PA ( named Outrun ). And Jenni's character "Bubble-Bobble" - who was a telekentic who had a crush on a international pop group guy ( who was secretely in the international peace keeping force Plan-B - sworn to protect the world from Evil Geniuses and their demented henchmen ).

It was fun, though I DID feel a bit crap about being so ... well, crapI guess - with the rules.

I plan to run the game again, but this time I'll stick more to the 'suggested' setting. I'm throwing together more of a 'black-magic Heathcliff" Master - one who swears revenge on the local Lord of the Mannor when he refuses to let him court his daughter. I'm also coming up with a set of pretty gruesome henchmen - my personal favourite being the reanimated, post-autopsy body of the masters LAST bride-to-be who ... "displeased" him.

Hix also told me that he was thinking of running a game of MLwM himself. I'll be looking foward to that !

More on this after the playtesting.

So ... Weary ...

Jeez ... I tell you, having a full day of six lesson teaching AFTER an pretty full-on evening of parent-teacher interviews is not fun.

I freaking HATE parent-teacher interviews. I didn't like them too much as a student, and I actively dislike them as a teacher. For the most part because it is a colossal waste of time. A good half to three-quarters of the parents I saw last night I really didn't to see at all. Their kids are doing FINE in the subject - there have been no problems - everyone's happy. Seriously - they ONLY want to come along and see WHO you are. Which pretty much means that you're still 'on' as a teacher. Gah. To them I say - check out the photos in the yearbook ! They also last longer ! Man !

Having said that - it is a good thing to be able to put the boot into a student who is being a jerk. HOWEVER - you hardly EVER see the parents of said jerk-burger children because said parents KNOW their kid is spawned from the vilest demon from the deepest depths of the Abyss ... and don't really want to have you telling them that. I can't blame them really.

I've been doing these parent-teacher things for a few years now - and they still have me on edge. Mainly because I'm always waiting to get the real 100%, infused with insanium, fresh from their tour of Rubber-Room Land, NUTCASE parent. The one who will start screaming at me for making fun of Scientology or something, or start channeling the spirit of Gengis Khan - proceeding to beat me with a plank ripped from the gymnasium floor. I haven't had one of those yet ( a couple have been close though ! ) - but you're always thinking before the evening starts "... Maybe this is the year."

I did get a pretty angry mother last night. She managed to keep herself civil, though by the look in her eyes she would have liked to slide a rusty bayonet into my gall bladder. Sheesh ! There was some pretty undiluted malice there ! 'Why the malice?', I hear you ask. Oh - you know - the usual deal. 'You're picking on my boy ... blah blah ... he never lies ... yadda yadda" BIG DEAL !
I loved the "he never lies" thing. She is going to be in for a shock in the not too distant future. Kids lie through their teeth ALL times they can get away with it. In fact - I'd almost extend that to people in general, though adults tend to tell the truth more because they know when it's in their advantage to do so. Kids just always assume the truth will get them into trouble. Which provides me with NO END of joy - I freaking HATE being lied to by children. I hate it !
Reminds me of a situation that happened at my last school. I was teaching an Y9 English class how to write an essay, and part of the work was to, in the end, actually WRITE an essay.
One kid sticks up his hand - "Mr. S ... what if you were to ... COPY an essay from the internet ... you wouldn't be able to tell would you?"
"Oh contraire, my diminutive friend" I answer "You are a Y9 student - and as such, have virtually NO command of language ... AT ALL ! Bear in mind I have been reading your writing all year ! I know what you are generally capable of doing in terms of writing ! I have administered PAT tests which tell me your skill level in writing. If I were to get an essay which is much more advanced than your current level would indicate - I shall know right away that this is not your own work and that you are a dirty cheating scumbag !"
"...oh." He says.

So he turns in an essay copied from the net anyway. Duuuhhhhh.

I had a fun time with him afterwards.
S - "All your OWN work, eh?"
K - "Yes Mr.S"
S - "Are you SURE...?"
K - "Yes Mr. S"
S - "REEEEEEAAAALLLLY ? You don't want to ... y'know ... CONFESS anything to me at all ? Like ... oh, I don't know ... CHEATING for example?"
K - "No Mr. S"
S - "Okay ... so you'll have no problem explaining the meaning of this word you used here ?"
K - stares at paper for a good 30 seconds - "...I can't remember Mr. S"
S - "Why - that IS odd. I don't know HOW you could use a word like this without knowing WHAT it meant. You SURE you don't want to tell me anything now ?"
K - "...No Mr. S"
S - "Well how about this word here ? Or this one ? Or even this one HERE. You must know the meaning of 'juxtaposition" if you're using it with such flair !"
K - pausing even longer - "... I have a headache at the moment. I can't think properly."
S - "Oh DEAR. We'll get you to the sick bay RIGHT AWAY. But before that - could you tell me what this bit in your essay means - the bit where it says 'Refer to pages 25 - 30" ?"
K - almost under breath - "Oops - forgot to cut that out ..."
S - "GOTCHA YOU LITTLE PUNK !"

Y'see ? The barefaced CHEEK of some of them ! And the worst thing was that his parents couldn't see anything wrong with what he'd done !

Idiots !

And we're rolling in three ... two ... one ... ACTION !

A completely dark stage. The sound of footsteps.

A spotlight illuminates a 1930's mircophone stand and a rather pale man. He has a shaven head and a rather jaunty goatee. The black wall behind him has the words "Like you care !" written in bold white letters.

He taps the mircophone experimentally.

"... Is this thing on ? Oh. Well. I guess I can get started then.

Right. The whole blog thing then ! Oh yeah ! Can I get a "hell yeah !" from the audience??"

Silence from the audience. TOTAL silence. The man shields his eyes and peers as best he can out of the light. Slight noise of feedback from the microphone.

Man clears throat.

"Woah... Tough crowd. Well - I'm here now anyway. It took me a bit. I was always playing with the idea of starting one ... but I kept thinking - Oh STOP kidding yourself ! Like anyone was actually going to READ a blog that I penned ... umm ... typed. Whatever. I had a name though ! That's gotta count for something."

Man gestures to the wall behind him.

"Yeah - I thought 'Like you care' was a pretty funny name. But then I thought that it sounded ... y'know ... kinda negative. I wanted to have something more ALIVE ! More affirmative ! So ... DEATH FROM ABOVE !"

He stops to consider this for a moment.

"Not that I actually want to kill you or anything. S0 - in following the bold move of my friend who started one of these things not long ago ... I, Seraph, so solemnly swear to NEVER taint these hallowed walls with mundanely trivial garbage, may I be sealed in an industrial drum of piston lubricant if I do."

Seraph looks hesitantly pleased with himself

"I'd love to stay and chat some more - but I really do have to be going now. I'll ... ummm ... talk to you again soon I guess. Bye !"

Seraph waves energetically. The spotlight cuts off, leaving the room in darkness once again.

Voice - "How the hell do I get out of here now?"

SFX - One footstep

SFX - Another footstep

SFX - Almightly crash of what sounds like a human body falling onto a number of musical instruments - the kind that might be in a stage orchestra pit. One is possibly a harp.

Voice - "Owww... "