"Look at the size of that thing..."

I was woken up this morning at 3am by a familiar series of noises :

Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-THUMP !

Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa ! Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thumpa! THUMP !

Thumpa-thumpa ... etc.

I knew pretty much what it was straight away. It was our cat Shadow racing around in the hallway outside our bedroom. She only ever does that for one of two reasons:

1 ) She is playing with one of her toys - catnip mouse or catnip ball ( or, more likely, I am using the laser pointer to get her to chase the "Red Dot of Mystery" round and round the house. Best cat toy EVER ).

OR

2) She is 'playing' ( ie - torturing slowly to a painful death ) with some small creature she's managed to catch ( usually a mouse - but there have been skinks, cicadas and the occassional weta. She LOVES catching birds - but she doesn't really do well in stalking avians. I'm not sure why. ).

Seeing as I am in bed - and NOT in the hall with a laser pointer - I'm pretty sure that it's the latter. She's been better with bringing in her kills lately - usually I take them off her and let them go ( not that I want to save the life of vermin - but usually because I don't want them getting away from her and escaping somewhere in the house. We've had mice on the loose for up to a week before she manages to catch them again and finish them off - and there's at least one skink who died in the ventilation tubes by getting into the grills in the floor while Shadow was feigning disinterest. ) so she's learned NOT to bring them in until they are dead ( or so rooted that they aren't fun anymore ). I really can't be bothered to put myself on vermin extraction duty at three in the freaking morning - and it sounds like she has things under control, so I drift off back to sleep.

When I get up to do some exercise ( it's a Tuesday, so that's a StepMania morning instead of a run ) I'm pretty wary. The last thing you want to do at 5.30 is step on a partially eviserated rodent ( like I did in a certain flat while I was living in Wanganui - mouse guts are a freaking pain to get out of a carpet, let me just tell you that ! ). My eyes adjust to the dark, and I don't see any unusual shaped objects about. "Sweet" I think "She took it outside when she was done. Good kitty".

I get on my track pants, a t-shirt and flick on the lights to downstairs.

And discover the RAT halfway down.

And not just any rat ! This was some BIG freaking rat ! It must have been about quarter of the size ( at least ) of Shadow herself ! We're talking KING-SIZE rodent here. Man. Gross. I think it might have been just a little bit alive too ( I think it's tail moved ).

I scraped it onto a spade with a rake - and then took it to the corner of our street before launching it into some bushland, catapult-like.

I'm just glad that Viva didn't get up while Shadow was finishing off Ratty. I think she would have royally freaked out. Heck - I would have !

God is fickle !

We've recently had a leaky roof. A section of our rumpus room ceiling collapsed as a result. Large and distrubing water stains appeared in our downstairs guest room ( which we like to call "The Yellow Room" - because ... it's painted yellow ... ). We got in touch with a guy who knows about these things. He did stuff - he checked things out - he came back with an estimate on how much it would cost to fix.

$30,000.

Or - if I were to use the words I used when Viva let me know that wee price -

( Ah-hem )

THIRTY-FREAKING-THOUSAND-DOLLARS !! FREAKING-SATAN-ON-A-JUMPED-UP-POGO-STICK !!!!!! ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH !!!!

Apparantly it's more than JUST the roof. The whole extension downstairs was built "badly". Water is pooling on the walls and then seeping through. A window in the upstairs kitchen needs to replaced. He's getting a list of things for us.

*sigh*.

So that's bad.

Needless to say - we're getting an independent inspector to assess what he thinks the damage might be. Personally - I'm hoping for a shade cheaper that 30K.

Say goodbye to getting a Playstation 3 this year, I think ... ( wahhh ! )

And ... maybe food ...

Seriously SERIOUSLY uncool.

Oh - now it's freaking ON...

If there's one thing I can't stand in a student - it's freaking defiance. It REALLY makes me see red. Early on in my teaching career I did actually lose it totally with one little defiant punk - grabbing him by the shirt-front and slamming him against a wall. Okay, okay - sounds bad. And I DID get in a teensy-weensy bit of trouble for that one - but, to be fair, this kid was a little criminal-in-the-making-son-of-a-bitch, and believe me - if YOU had been there and YOU had had to try and teach this mongrel, you would have agreed that a good, hard planting of the boot to the groin wouldn't have been out of place at the time.

Anyway - we had a house meeting today ( yup - we do the whole house thing. Kinda strange sometimes, not having come from that environment myself. No house system in sunny Oh-TACKY(!) college. Feels like being in a Harry Potter novel sometimes - y'know, just without any of the magic stuff ). We have a house singing competition coming up soon. The assembly area is in the big drama room in our block. So - as the boys can't seem to go freaking FIVE MINUTES without wanting to cram food into their bottomless gullets, a bunch of them start ... well, cramming food down their gullets ( I really can't say that they're actually EATING the food, because that would imply some kind of civilization ). I go to one guy, let's call him Zeke. Zeke is an idiot. One of Zeke's parents is on the board - which is the only reason I can see for him actually still being here. Zeke is eating, in defiance of all politeness, not to mention room rules. I say to Zeke "Please put the food away - or bin it. We don't want you eating in here and making a mess. You can eat at interval - it's, like, in only 15 minutes."

Now - to any normal, rational person - that would seem pretty straight foward. right ? DON'T EAT NOW - DON'T EAT HERE. YOU CAN EAT SOON - JUST SOMEWHERE ELSE.

I have to repeat this message to another couple of people - before I blew my black-whistle-of-doom, and told the assembly the same message ( please put the food away - don't want it in here - it makes a mess - eat in interval, it's only in a few minutes ). So - Zeke has heard me say this AT LEAST TWICE.

A short time later I'm helping to move students into their positions for the singing - and what do I see ? This little bastard has only grabbed the food BACK out of where he put it, crammed the golf-ball sized lump of it RIGHT into his mouth, and is trying to chew it, turning his head away from me in a fiendishly-cunning bid not to be caught !

"You." I say, "Out." I point to the hall.

He has the nerve to look surprised !

"What?" he answers ( only, with his mouth still partially full of food it sounds more like "Wuhhhuuu ?" ).

"OUT!" I repeat.

He starts walking in the opposite direction !

"OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTTT!!!!" I enunciate - now stabbing my finger repeatidly in the direction.

"But I just need to get..."

"DO. NOT. CARE. OUT. NOW. MOVE. GO. OUT. OUT ! OUT!!!", my fists are unconsciously balling up with such force I'm surprised that black holes weren't spontainously generated.

So - I have a nice private chat with him about how his behaviour, while probably not seeming like such a big deal to him, was defiance of the lowest and worst kind. He was given a reasonably request by a teacher clearly, he was given it AGAIN, and he STILL decided to do what he wanted to do. He is to write a report for me on his behaviour ( four questions which I write for him - giving him a sheet of paper to answer on ) at interval and present it to me at the start of lunchtime.

This should have taken 15min MAX. 10 ( maybe ) to write. Possibly 5 at lunchtime at most to work through with him ( though more likely 20 seconds - I say simply "Thanks, don't do it again, get out." ).

Did he turn up ?

Nope.

Dirty mother-f**ker.

So - I am going to foward his name into the school detention list ( there's an hour after-school picking up litter ) for the defiance, and THEN he can come and spend a lunchtime with me writing out that original report under my watchful eye ( becaause he almost certainly hasn't done it ).

That might sound petty and small-minded, but it's the "broken window" theory in action. You crack down hard on the small stuff - you never have to deal with the escalation to the big stuff. Not that this is actually small - it's just a punk-arse student thinking he doesn't have to do what a freaking authority figure reasonabally asks him to do.

All part of the teaching mantra I've had since my very first days ( at a pretty tough school ) - "No snot-punk kid gets the better of Seraph!". It may not be terribly enlightened, PC, caring, or much in the spirit of furthering the future of NZ youth - but hey, it works for me.

There is a god !

Seraph is ONE happy guy.

Why is Seraph 'ONE happy guy' you are wondering ( as well as why Seraph is talking about himself in the 3rd person ) ?

The collective powers of all that is right and good in the universe have decreed that "Alexei Sayle's Stuff" shall be available on DVD ! Seasons one and freaking two !

I never dared hope for such a joyous ... thing ! At last - a chance to see the "Manly art of verbal abuse" sketch again. *sigh*. It shall be a day long remembered.

Now - what's the chance of getting the original animated "Tick", "Eek the cat" and the 80's "Twilight Zone" ?

( and I also figured out how to create a hyper-link dealy all on my own ! This might not seem like much to you - but to me, it is a golden victory in the grand quest for blogging enlightenment. So there ! )

"That was a quiet sounding party..."

So. There was a reunion get-together thingy for our 48hr film team on the weekend, hosted by the crime-fighting duo of Jenni and Lee.
Viva and I get into some decent "time to meet people - not lounge around in track pants and sweaters" clothes, get into the car ( braving what seemed like at the time to be sub-arctic weather ) and drove to their apartment.
I announce our presence at the intercom outside ( I said "It's me" - which I shouldn't really say. Like Jenni's gonna know who 'me' is. Also it apparantly sounded a lot like I said "It's LEE" - which made Jenni wonder just who it was who was with her in the flat. Never a good thing to do to your friends ) and we get buzzed in.
"Wow" said Viva "That was a quiet sounding party.", as we head up the lift.
"Yeah" I reply "... Maybe ... they were ... busy... eating.", giving the tupperware container of savoury scones I had baked ealier in the day a small shake.
We knock on the apartment door, and enter into the scene of Jenni and Lee, playing an x-box game. That was it.
Hmmmm. Something was not right in this picture. I'm no party-animal, I'm pretty sure that 'get-together' usually involves slightly more people.
"Hey guys" said Jenni - slightly warily I thought, and who could blame her ? - "What's going on?"
"Ummmm ... wasn't there a, y'know ... party ... here tonight ?"
"Tomorrow."

Goddammit. I didn't really read the instructions all that clearly. I think I just saw the word "get-together" and naturally thought Saturady night. Duh.
Sunday was unfortunately pretty booked out for me ( desperately trying to catch up with some school work, and making papermache masks for my Y13 Drama class - we're doing a Greek comedy and EVRYONE needs to have a mask ... though I'm not too sure how I got lumbered with making them ... ), so I didn't get to the party/get-together at all. Gah.

Still - it was nice just hanging out with Jenni and Lee for a little bit. So not a total loss.

I've REALLY got to start reading instructions more carefully though.

Slightly more pro-Satan than expected

So - what happened to a student who extols the virtues of the Dark Lord himself at a Christian school's 'Battle of the Bands' ?

Why - he gets a big 'ole slap down from the man ! ( or principal, in this case ).

An earlier band member had explained to the audience that the hand gesture, where you form a fist, then raise your pinky and index fingers translated into "Rock On" in the world of hard rockin' dudes everywhere. Fair enough I guess.

A couple of bands along and who do we get ? A Y1o Death Metal band. The lead singer was more laughable than anything else. His 'singing' consisted of guttural howls which was more like a pack of rabid wolverine duking in out than anything resembling singing in my book ( but, to be fair, I'm not really a fan of Death-Metal. Maybe this type of singing is good - who knows ? ). However, when the crowd started chanting this kid's name - I think he lost touch with reality. "You are no longer a wimpy little fourth former !" I'm sure his ego assured him, "You are a ROCK GOD !". And with all the arrogance of a tragic Greek hero, he began to tell us what that hand gesture REALLY meant.

"It doesn't mean 'rock on' !" He cried to the assembled school, "It means 'SATAN'!!! Yeah ! SATAN ! HAIL SATAN !!!" It went on. He inverted a nearby thing which looked like a cross.
He hailed Satan a couple of more times, before launching into the band's second song.

Oh dear me. Things were not pleasant. Most of the staff looked pretty stunned. A few of the more "school spirit" orientated 7th formers had to be restrained from rushing the stage to put the smack down on him. The head boy hurled a shoe at him ( it missed ).

Not the smartest move this kid could have made. Yeesh - and that's coming from ME.

Consequences ? He got a four day suspension, his band has been dissolved ( with the members not being allowed to play music at school together - ever, I think ), he is not allowed anywhere near a microphone again and I think there might be secret plans to have him spade. Y'know - just in case.

And now - a maths joke

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip ?

To get to the same side !

Wah ha ha ha ha !!!

Okay - kinda geeky, but really - "the same side" ! Comedy gold.

Did you know that the international symbol for recycling is a mobius loop ?

Don't say that you never learn anything with your ole' pal Seraph !

What was the damage then ?

Turns out I had lost a kilogram ( down to 92.5kg ).

Freaking weird. Last week - I was really good, I exercised a bunch and I didn't lose a GRAM. This week - I'm a little piggie - BAM ! I shed a K.

I don't get it.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

Revenge of the Scales

Viva and I have been attending a "Health and Fitness" thing on Thursday evenings for the last month or so, in a bid to ... well ... be more healthy and fit really. Duh ! The evenings are always just a bit weird though. I'm the ONLY guy there. The trainer ( who I'm beginning to suspect is actually an android. No human should be able to withstand the kind of punishment she does without breaking a sweat ... ) is always saying things like "Okay - make sure you're really stretching your chest out in this exercise - really get your boobs stuck out ... except YOU Seraph!". Thanks for making me really feel like part of the team, coach !

Anyway - I have been doing reasonably well. I think I've dropped a few k's, I've been losing centimeters off all the right places in my body, and I think I've been getting fitter ( my tri-weekly morning runs are averaging out at about 25-26 minutes ( they used to take me 35+ minutes - and I couldn't keep up the pace for the whole thing. AND I can consistently jog up the 210 steps from the train station "short-cut" to Fox Street ! Whoop ! ) and generally eating less crap.

But this week. THIS week. I've been BAD.

I've eaten so much crap. Pizza on Friday, curry on Saturday, ... I forget what I ate on Sunday - but there was much too much bread ... I know that, pizza AGAIN on Monday ( had to stay at school late and get food for the student actors in my play - I blame them ), a Subway sandwich on Tuesday and burritos last night. The burritos weren't TOO bad I guess ( there was lettuce and carrots in 'em ) ... but still ! And I've done little exercise other than my morning runs and StepMania games. Eeep.

I fear the weigh in tonight.

Seraph's Raro Holiday Top Ten !

1. Managing to lie down and watch “Desperate Housewives” ( and half of “The IT Crowd” before I was made to go to sleep ) after many hours of queing in Wellington and Auckland airport. Our 6am connecting flight ( that we got up at quarter to five for ) was delayed because of stupid fog in Auckland. We got a flight at 11am, only to be sent back to Wellington when we got there because the fog had come back. Yay.
After standing in various lines to get ready for our new flight to Raro from Auckland, we were told that that flight was also delayed. Instead of departing at quarter to ten, it was now departing at quarter to one in the morning !
Viva and I decided to go to some crummily cheap airport hotel just so we could relax for a moment. Sure – it looked like a few people had been murdered, and the driver who picked us up smelt like he had been eating a bushel of raw garlic with a chaser of teargas … but at least we got out of the freaking departure lounge for a few hours !

2. Actually arriving in the Cook Islands ! When we got to the place we were staying we crashed and slept for a good five hours or so. Woken by the cleaner who thought we had gone out.

3. About five paces out of our villa was the beach. Very nice. You could borrow kayaks and paddle around in the lagoon. I had lofty plans of kayaking out to one of the small islands nearby, jogging around it and zapping back across the water as an exercise routine. It never eventuated, funnily enough. Though I did wade across to closer of the two mini-islands ( a lot faster than I kayaked too ).

4. Sitting our Cook Island drivers licence so we could legally drive scooters while there. It consisted of driving about two hundred meters up the man road, turning around in a supermarket car-park, and driving back. I’ve had more difficulty getting drunk ( and I’m one CHEAP drunk ! ).
I was listening to some American guy in line who had failed it once by driving on the wrong side of the road. He mentioned that he knew some guy who had failed it three times in a row. The mind boggles.

5. Driving scooters. The crazy bastards don’t wear helmets there ! It was awesome ! I had a great time hooning around at 40-60km’s. I saw some pretty mental balancing acts by some of the locals. I finally started to understand why the police station had a sign saying “DOGS AND BIKES DON’T MIX !”. Truer words have not been spoken.

6. Going on a cross island hike. Some parts were pretty insanely steep – but I managed okay. Our guide was pretty cool – though I began to question some of the stories he was telling us… I believe that he met the Dali Lama and all, but there is NO WAY that guy was sixty. NO way !
Got to try some of the native chestnut which our guide has prepared ( or, in other words, boiled ) earlier. It was sort of like a waxy potato which had been boiled in a pot along with a pile of lamb chops. If offered – decline politely.

7. Umbrella drinks ! I had an umbrella drink a day. Best one – a Venetian Lemonade ( hand-squeezed lemonade, Bacardi, lemoncello and mint leaves ) at the Portifino restaurant. Nice place – they did a good pizza too.

8. Snorkelling ! That was the most amazing thing. So many bright coloured fishes ! Giant freaking clams ! Clouds of tiny fish hiding in coral ! Managing NOT to choke to death when I inhaled sea-water !

9. Being vaguely near the filming of “Survivor” ! We went on a day trip to another one of the islands (Aitutaki). We couldn’t go to where the snorkelling trip usually went because the new series of Survivor was being filmed on that side of the island – and NO-ONE was allowed to go near the freaking place.

10. While hanging around in the sun, wearing t-shirts and shorts while everyone was freezing back in Wellington was nice – I was glad to get home again, see Shadow ( who had been pretty unfriendly to Hix during his third tour of house sitting at La Casa Seraph, weirdly enough. ) and have my lost luggage returned to me after only a few hours.

The word is 'love', people!

Yeah yeah yeah. So I haven't written anything. So what ? You gonna make me ? Huh ? You think you're all that ?

Oh. You really ARE all that ?

Crap.

I'd better write something then. ( Don't hit me )

Okay - I guess mostly the reason I've been quiet is that I ( somewhat foolishly ) reinstalled "Heroes of Might and Magic 3" on my computer. If you've never played this game, you are both cursed and blessed. Cursed - because it's one hell of a good game. Blessed - because you're probably using your time in persuit of art, or truth, or a REALLY good grilled chesse sandwhich, or something OTHER than sitting in front of a computer screen going "I REALLY have to upgrade my army's archers ! Where can I find another lumber mill ? Where the hell did those dragons come from ? OOooh - My hero learned the 'chain lighting' spell - yay !".

I've got it more under control than my "Diablo 2" addiction ( that was bad - I can really never play that game again, as much as I loved it ... ), so that's gotta be worth something.

Viva and I also were in the Cook Islands for a week ( more on that later ), so that made updating difficult.

Anyway - I want to talk about langauge, funnily enough. In fact - the heart symbol. Having fuitlessly searched through all THREE freaking sets of 'win-dings" in Word ( does anyone ACTUALLY ever use these goddamn things ??? ) and not found ONE heart symbol, I am forced ot resort to this - *heart*. So - whenever you see that - imagine the heart symbol. Okay ? Okay.

You DO know that that wee heart symbol actually stands for the word 'love' - right ? It really does. So - when you see the title of a film like "I ♥ Huckabees" ( yeah - I know, I found one on the net just now. I shoulda looked there first ... ) - It actually MEANS "I love Huckabees". "We LOVE Katamari!" "I LOVE New York". No one EVER says "I heart New York!". Y'know why ? It makes no freaking sense ! That's why !
It's BAD English ! I mean - you don't ever say "That shirt costs dollar sign three hundred ! There's no way I'm shelling out that much asterix hash-symbol ampersand at-symbol pi leo-sign money for that !", do you ?

Well - not when you're sober anyway.

That might sound like a pretty harmless think to get annoyed about - but I am still nominally an English teacher, and I still want to jam a working chainsaw in the ribcage of any student to uses the word 'alot' in an essay.

I think I knew I was in trouble when my pal Hix, when we were talking about some actress ( it might have been Uma Thurman ), said "I heart her!". You never want to think about impaling your good friends with rusty gardening tools. It's a bad place.

So - just make sure you English speak good !

Bubbajay and the boys - a pretty furious Dracula

Gargh - JUNIOR reports finally done. I was here at school ALL weekend, and till eight last night. It's my own fault really. I should have gotten my arse in gear ealier. Ah well.

I took Friday off to have some of the guys round to waste time playing games and drinking beer. Not that I actually drank any beer I think. It was good times all round - cos not ONLY were my cronies Hix and Richardo present, my long time ( and well missed ) buddy Bubbajay was in town on one of his semi-shady business trips. I'm not sure exactly what it is he sells - but I think it might be kryptonite to various super-villian leagues.

Anyway - fun all round !

I discovered that I can get MUCH better points in SingStar if I sing in a stupidly squeeky voice. Go figure.

Gem of the nights gaming was a round of "Fury of Dracula". Once again, I donned the cape and pointy teeth and rampaged across Europe in a torrent of blood and ... more blood !

Huh - I WISH that's what happened anyway. Yeesh - I got OWNED in that game ! In fact, I'd go as far as to say I got p0wn3d ! Cripes. I was all like "Foolish mortals ! To challenge the might of Dracula ! ... Hey - where did they get all those suspiciously glowing crosses from ? And what's with those bullets in the boxes marked "Specially Blessed by the the Archbishop" ? Should they have a lynch mob on their side ? ... Maybe I'd better get my vampiric ass outta town ..."

So about three of the hunters caught me in London in the middle of the day. Ouch. I pretty much got the crap slapped out of me - I managed to get back to the mainland - but Van Helsing caught me and popped a cap in me. Exit Vlad Tepes - stage left.

Still - a very fun game, and a very fun night.

Next time - I'm playing a hunter though.

Seraph for minister of foreign relations !

I had one of my laughing seizures in the staff room the other day. It was quite a eye-opener for most of the staff in our conversation conclave ( though if you've known me for any great length of time you'll know that these fits of uncontrollable laughing and giggling are pretty regular ).

It has been much remarked on already.

The reason for my mirth ? It all started with one of the staff recounting her experiences with food in her worldly travels. Y'know - all the gross things she's sorta been forced to eat as not to cause huge amounts of dishonour to her hosts. Live baby turtles, dog stew, various forms of locust or grasshopper, even a 'monkey pie' ( hell - isn't that one of the funniest things you've heard ? A MONKEY-pie ? Even the word is freaking great ! If you wanted specifics - apparently it was a 'mostly-baboon-pie'. She didn't really want to know what the other stuff was ).

But that's not what I was laughing at.

I started thinking along these lines - what if that while 'dishonour' thing is a scam ? ( yeah - I KNOW it isn't really ). What if these people were just trying to see what horrible stuff they could get these western tourists to eat. You could imagine these guys heading off to the bookies afterwards - "Hey Achmed ! Those backpackers totally ate that bowl full of fried pig ovaries ! That was, what ? Ten to one odds ? It's time a started getting some money back from you after the whole mashed locust patties ...".

But THAT'S not what I was laughing at.

Logically - after a train of thought like that, you start thinking of payback ( because if there's ONE thing that 'ole Seraph stands for - it's REVENGE ! ). I started to imagine volunteering to host a visiting teacher from one of our sister schools overseas, and seeing what crap I could get away with feeding them on the pretense that it was a "great honour" to be served such a delicacy.

And I was laughing about that for a good long while.

"Oh - you're in for a treat tonight Mr. Chang ! A New Zealand national meal - Lawn-clipping Surprise ! Down in one ! Down in one ! Down in one !"

The reason for my silence

Report writing has been getting me down. It freaking sucks. I was in here all day Sunday - trying to get my comments done. I probably could have finished the whole process much faster than I did - but I just couldn't stay "on task" ( a phrase I myself typed a great many times over the long stretch of Sunday ... ). In the end I threw in the towel and went home at around 6pm, because I was feeling pretty sick. I was here till about half six last evening too finishing the bastards off.

Usually I can get into a sort of report writing 'zone' - this special headspace you can occupy to dance the patterns of linguistic subterfuge needed these days so young people's delicate self-esteem isn't irreparably dinged. You WANT to say "Quentin is a piece of human shaped filth and a prime example of all that is wrong with mankind. I recommend he be used for live organ harvesting so that a worithier soul may enjoy the gift of life. The sooner he is moldering in his grave the better for all inhabitants of the universe" ? Well you have to say something like "Quentin is a lively individual, but would be better served focusing his attention into activities within the scope of lesson activities. There are promising developments ahead in the subject area of science, with definate interest in surgery". Or something like that.

And I still have my JUNIOR reports hanging above me, sword of Damocles like ! They'll be even worse. Sigh.

Monster film hijinks - in with a chance !

Last night was the heats showing of my teams 48 Hour Film Competition entry "Monster Hunter IV : Beyond Repair".

Man - it ROCKED !

It was the first time I had seen it ( most of the other members of the team saw it on the Sunday night - I had gone home by this stage. I was tired, I had to iron clothes, I was hungry - and seeing as mushrooms make me sick, I decided not to partake of the mushroom pasta that was kindly whipped up for the team. I appreciate the gesture though ). It looked good! It sounded good! Debz was amazing as Diana Jones - the badass monster hunter! Luke was disarming as Robin Slade - the upbeat monster diffusing kinda guy! We had wicked looking stunts ! I looked good as a corpse !

The weekend was fun - though there was a lot of waiting ( a good amount of it in the rain ). I've learnt that there's a lot of this in films if you act in them. Viva was, on the other hand , gloriously busy in her role as assistant-director ( she did such a great job I thought - sure, I'm biased - but she was still great ! ).

My contribution to the film was being one of the mooks - or in more un-hip parlance, one of Diana Jones' elite monster hunting thugs. I had to stand and look mean in one shot with the rest of the mooks ( there were five of us ). I had to also stalk through mud in a combat style ( I also learned to hold a hand gun in a 'proper' way ). My big moment was my 'hero' death. I was actually kinda nervous about the shot - it was one of those "You get ONE crack at this - don't screw this up" moments. I had to stand back to back with another Mook - turn slowly ( scanning the surrounding bush ) to face her. THEN I had to see the monster ( who was a melty faced guy ) off screen behind her. I had to register shock/horror/revulsion - and then my Mook partner was supposed to get glooped off frame - and that's when two guys off frame were going to splatter me with fake blood ( make from golden syrup, chocolate sauce and food coloring ...man - I hope that doesn't violate some kind of secret. Don't want Peter Jackson kicking my arse - though I'm pretty sure I have the weight advantage on him now ...). Then I freak out - then the monster kills me. Fun !

The first time the guys were supposed to "gore" me, they missed completely - getting my co-Mooks shoulder instead - though they DID manage to get a bit of blood on me too - just enough so it was a pain to get off. Ah well.

I was really worried afterwards - cos it didn't feel like I had really nailed it. It didn't look too bad on screen - though I know I could have done it better...

The last thing I did was to be dead in a frame with my likewise dead co-Mook - the whole eyes staring lifelessly from my expired corpse. Now THAT was alright !

To be honest - even if I had had nothing to do with our film, I STILL would have ranked it at least second. The "road-movie" from out heat was pretty funny, and I gave the "Based-on-a-true" story a second place - even though it wasn't REALLY in genre ( but it WAS pretty freaking funny ). I hope we win that round - I think we deserve to.

I now want to learn some mad animation skillz - so I can create a logo piece as cool as the "Long Live Megatron!" teams one! Nothing says cool quite so much as a mental looking robot firing a automatic weapon wildly while screaming "Long Live Megatron!" ( So cool ! ). I'd love to know what application they used ...

The Mystery is Solved

So my pal Hix found the book. It was wedged into the passesnger door compartment thing that I forgot was there. I have NO idea how it managed to get in there. We were making a mad dash from Porirua to Kingston to deliver the last tape from our team's 48 Hour film shoot - and he just yanked it out and said - "Hey, I found 'The Gunslinger' ".

I was so sure I throughly checked the car. Damn.

I'll write something about the film competition experience soon. Briefly - it was another cool experience. I didn'y have nearly as big a role in it this year - but I got to get blood splashed in my face and then I had to play dead in a shot.

All very fun.

Fake blood tastes a lot better than real blood too. In case you're ...y'know... interested.

Not that I drink a lot of blood or anything.

I'll stop talking now.

The Mystery of the Lost Book

The production is FINALLY over. Yay! It's so good not to be consumed by fear and doubt anymore!

As is the way with students, they pulled themselves together remarkably in the last two or three practices. The started actually DOING the things that I had been asking/telling them to do since the start. I think I said to a staff member sitting beside me in the final dress rehearsal "When the hell did they start doing this ? Which practice did I miss ?".

The production went very well. All the staff members who saw it said it was great - so that's cool. Most of my puppetry ideas worked really well, so that too was a bonus.

And now it's time to drink until I forget about the WHOLE thing...

In "infuriating things happening to Seraph" - I have lost a book. It has been pissing me off no end. I got a second hand copy of "The Gunslinger ( revised and expanded version )" which I had never read before. I started reading in Saturday afternoon before I went in to the theatre for the final performance of the production. I put it down SOMEWHERE ... and now I can't find it. I just have no idea where I put it. What makes it doubly annoying is that I had thought of taking it in with me to the performance ( in case I had some down time where I didn't need to be running around like a headless chook, or if I had to be backstage during the performance - to make sure the kids didn't trash the green room ). I have no clear memory of actually taking it with me though. I turned the house upside down on Sunday ( working myself into a stress induced breakdown of sorts ). I searched my satchel, I searched my car. I checked the lost property that we brought back from the play. I called the theatre itself. Nothing.

It's really making me quite cross.

I have also found some other items hard to track down recently. Some of my toys seem to have disappeared ... as well as the "County Love Songs" CD I borrowed from my mum ( not ACTUALLY real country love songs - more humour really. There's a song on there called "Took a lot of pills and died" which is hilarious. Seriously ! You'd like it ! ).

And Viva WAS at home with the book for some time ( presuming I did indeed leave it at home - which does look increasingly likely ).

Hmmmm.

I wonder.

That's what those smily things are for !

The lights come up on our stage. Theatre flats have been arranged to form a corner, facing out into the audience at a 45 degree angle. We see the back of Seraph. He is facing into the corner wearing a large white paper cone on his head. When he turns to face the audience we can see a large letter 'D' printed on the front in vivid marker.

Seraph - "What? You're kidding me, right ? I don't have to tell THEM about this, do I ?"

Disembodied electronically disguised voice - "It's the LEAST you can do - you scumbag."

S - "Hey ! That wasn't cool !"

DEDV - "You're telling me it isn't warranted ?"

Seraph sighs.

S - " ... No"

DEDV - "Alright then. Get on with it."

Seraph faces the audience.

S - "SOooooooooooo ... I bet you're wondering why I'm wearing the dunce cap, huh ? It's a symbol of contrition. I did something PRETTY dopey earlier this week. But I DID learn a valuable lesson. I learnt that things that I think are funny might not be received in the same way ... Especially if said funny thing is transmitted through the medium of an e-mail."

"I'm at work - and I'm in a good mood even though the production is KILLING me, because our office is FINALLY getting the renovations done to such a degree that I actually get a proper desk. Life is good ! I get an e-mail from a friend - who has just done an incredibly cool thing for me by downloading a large and rather silly piece of animation via broadband. She jokingly refers to a couple of my fellow teachers as scumbags - they missed out on some cool deal or something because they didn't reply to an e-mail.

'AH ! She just called D. And C. A scumbag ! They are so not scum-bags ! I delight in the contradiction !'. I have no real idea of what kind of deal they missed out on - there was technical language. I copy and paste the comment into an e-mail to both of my colleagues - 'They'll know what this means better than me ... and they'll enjoy the scumbag reference as well ! Laughs all round !". I mention in the e-mail ( in what I thought was a pretty clear way) that I "didn't know if M. is joking or not !". I title the e-mail "And the horse you rode in on !" - referencing a well known joke ( what I thought to be well known anyway ).

I then have to lose my connection to the network while some renovation things go on.

When I get back onto the network ( it must have been an hour or so later ) - there were two e-mails waiting for me.

One was from my colleague D. It simply said "I'll deal with this personally."

Uh oh. I didn't like the sound of that tone.

The other one was from M. It said something like "Holy crap S ! It was a JOKE for Christ's sake!" Following it was the message that D. had sent her. The 'I'll take care of this' one. It was pretty stone cold ! It went on about how he did not appreciate being called a scumbag. He did not appreciate his colleague being called a scumbag. There were other words. They were bad.

Fuck !

I felt pretty bad about the whole thing. Needless to say I apologized to both parties ( with a more 'how the hell could you NOT tell this was a joke?' vibe to D. ).

Gargh."

DEDV - "This isn't the first time your so-called sense of humour got you into trouble, is it ?"

S - "What ? You're not going to mention - "

DEDV - "Remember how Jodie broke up with you after that joke you made ?"

S - "Shut up man ! I don't want to think about that ! That was freaking traumatizing !"

DEDV - "Or what about the time you told that bunch of vegetarians that you hated vegetarians because they were taking an evolutionary back-step ?"

S - "Oh come on ! They weren't listening to the tone ! It's all about the TONE ! Those fuckers needed to chill out ! It was a party for crying out loud !"

DEDV - "I think it was when you said that they didn't deserve to have eyes on the front of their face that really offended them. You should have seen the way they looked at you when you asked how a lack of peripheral vision hampered their chances in the herd ..."

S - " ... You might have a point. Okay - so I should be more careful about sharing things that I think are funny. Especially in e-mails. But YOU have to concede that SOME people should lighten the hell up !"

DEDV - "Fair enough"

S - "... Does that mean I can take this thing off now ?"

DEDV - "Oh, I think you'll have to be wearing that for a while yet."

Lights fade

S - "Awwww man."

Gagging for it

Oh dear - boys are pretty funny sometimes.

I was taking one of my junior performing arts classes today - it was last lesson ( trouble ), it was a Friday ( double - trouble ) and a big inter-house competition had just been cancelled due to rain ( run to the hills ! ).

There were some girls from our sister school in, they had the day off. I think their teachers all got ebola or something. Anyway - one of them walks past the door. These doors are mostly wood - they have this narrow pane of window space, she couldn't have been visible for more than a second. But see her they did.

A chorus goes up from a few of them "A GIRL !!!"

The general crowd ( whose 'girl-o-vision' can't have been working too well today ) echoes back "WHERE ??!?!?"

"There are just a few girls from the production next door helping with props ... " - man, was THAT the wrong thing to say !

"There are MORE ???!!?!" cries one of them.

"HERE ???!?!?!" came they general response from everyone else in the class.

I came close to getting the emergency fire reel and hosing them all down in an effort to shut them up !

Sheesh - I hope I was never THAT sad as a second former ! Mind you - I went to a co-ed school, so I got to see girls everyday. Probably took some of the magic out of it.

Binary

I spent a non-contact lesson today cutting out large cardboard 1's and 0's. I don't even teach maths !

Let it never be said that teaching is career which lacks variety.

Or that cutting out about 40 1's and 0's out of tough art-folio art is an easy thing to do.

I just hope Jenni is coping with the giant plush squirrels that I've contracted her to make for me.

...It just gets weirder and weirder doesn't it ?