Where I alienate more of my friends

I guess it's important to distinguish the difference between a 'nerd' and a 'geek' before we go too much further.

Viva had this useful insight : "A nerd is someone who can apply their knowledge in a useful ( and money earning ) way. A geek has impressive knowledge and skill - but not in an especially practical sense".

I hope that's a definition you can live with - because it's what I'm using here. I'm pretty sure there are some of you thinking "Hey! By that definition I'm a nerd! I don't wanna be a nerd ! I always thought of myself as more a geek - that sounds slightly sexier ! Don't take my slight sexiness away ! Please !!!". Well, tough luck nerd ! Suck it up and deal ! Sheesh ! Freaking nerds...

Anyway. You'll see that my strata of geekdom is generally split among 'gamers' and 'fanboys'. Enough of the preamble ! Onto ...

Seraph's pecking order of Geeks (v1)

2. Comic aficionados

Comics are great. ... Well, some of them anyway. Your 'Comic Aficionado' ( henceforth 'CA' ) knows this, and knows it well. They are well versed in various important story arcs, writers and illustrators - sometimes to an obsessive degree. The kind of CA who ranks in highest in this subgroup is the one with a diversified portfolio - one who will follow a good story indifferent to the publishing house. They display ( usually ) a levelheaded individual, displaying creativity, imagination and an appreciation of cool art work.

BUT. Dragging the whole group down are the more 'rabid' fan-boys. The ones who will ONLY read the publications of ONE imprint, or ( worse ) only read ONE comic ( buying ten copies of the same issue because they have different covers, for example ). These 'rabid' CA's are usually identifiable by the maniacal gleam in their eyes, but a more telling test is by t-shirt. If you see a CA wearing two different t-shirts which bear characters from the SAME comic - they are rabid. Anyone under the age of 14 is exempt from this rule.

Another good test ( though slightly harder to administer ) is the tattoo test. Do they have a tattoo of a super-hero of some sort? If so - they're rabid.

NB: REAL 'red-lights' here are tattoos of Wolverine, Spiderman and the Green Lantern. They must be of the actual character though. The 'red-S' of Superman, the 'bat-symbol' or the 'lantern symbol', do not necessarily denote rabidness ( though they don't discount it either - whichever way it goes, they're not particularly smart ideas for tattoos and might get you into intellectual property right hot-water ).

Rabid CA's are best left alone. They take their devotion a little too far into the 'crazy-zone', and do not appreciate good-natured jokes about their favourite hero guys or gals ( and, in my experience, it is ALWAYS a superhero which is the object of their fevered worship ). If you happen to notice the rabid CA's knuckles turn white if you say hero guy/girl's arch-nemesis 'rocks' - run. Run and don't look back.

Okay - so there you have the second tier. Who will be number three ? Tune in again and find out !

Ranking Geeks

A friend of mine caught me at some party I was at last year and said to me “I didn’t know you played battletech!”.

He may as well said “I didn’t know you were a dung-eating baby rapist!”

Apparently “Death From Above” is some term for a combat move in the Battletech game ( I think it is where your massive robot war-machine launches itself into the stratosphere and comes hurtling down on an enemy massive robot war-machine, crushing the ever-lovin’ snot out of it ). Had I know this – I would have probably named the blog “Like You Care” ( my original, if somewhat negative, idea ).

Why am I telling you this ? After I had given my friend a chance to explain himself and beg for his life – my mind turned to the hierarchy of geekdom. Which geeks occupy which strata of the geek pecking order ?

It’s something which has kept me thinking on and off for the last few months. I was going to start writing about this ages ago, but one thought stayed my hand.

I’m going to offend just about everyone I know doing that.

It was a problem I wrestled with for a good long time. I rationalize things this way :

1. I will belong to just about every one of the groups and sub-groups.

And, more importantly:

2. Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke !

And so – in the interest of science and furthering the legacy of mankind, I present to you …

SERAPH’S HIERARCHY OF GEEKDOM (v1)

1. Board-Gamers

Coming in at number one and occupying the highest level on the social power level – the board gamers. Board gamers tend to have the most social cross-over of any of the geek pursuits. A good board game will draw in Normals with their intricate shapes-designs-colours, strong and ( usually ) fairly engaging themes and general levels of fun. Show me someone who wouldn’t enjoy a game like “Modern Art”, and I’ll show you a cold-hearted miserly soul who should be committed to an asylum before they ritually murder someone.

Board-Game Geeks are able to engage in lively social discourse while gaming, are fun to be around, generally have excellent levels of presentation and self-grooming. They also tend to great in thinking on their feet, adapting to new situations, and have extensive vocabularies. Board-Game Geeks tend to fit in so well with Normals, they often can be mistaken for them. Normals with only discover their true nature when they attempt a ‘conversion’ – inviting unsuspecting Normals to their houses ( or ‘lairs’ ) where they will wile them with good food, fine wine – and then introduce the idea of ‘just a quick game’ of something. Maybe something disarming like “Settlers of Catan”. The unsuspecting Normal – their senses scrambled, will usually agree. Much like H. Giger’s Alien – the Board-Game Geek with implant it’s egg in the warm head-meats of it’s victim, ensuring the propagation of the species and a new generation of devotees.

The only thing standing in the way of a global New World Order of Board-Game Geeks is the mental block that society introduces at a very early age.

The name of this block is called "Monopoly". The Mental lesions this 'game' ( in fact - it is less of a game and more 'an incitement to riot' and a 'just cause to make blood-kin ingest significant amounts of plastic hotels' ) causes, and the subsequent traumatic scarring generally mean that the Board-Game Geek has their work cut out for them in 'converting' Normals ( even with REALLY good blueberry muffins ), and thus their society is preserved, despite the in-roads that the wily Board-Game Geek has made in recent years.

Board-Game Geeks make top of the list eh ? Who would have thought it ? So - just which group comes in at number 2 ? Stay tuned, gentle reader. Stay tuned.

Like you care...

For those who were interested, here are the official 'Round The Bays" results for Seraph :

Time : 51 minutes, 39 seconds ( damn ! I could have SWORN that I ran that in under 45min ! Still - that's pretty good for me ! )

Placing : 2859 ( out of approx 10,000 - again, not bad )

I see our trainer at the life-style and fitness class Viva and I go to got 1.15 - but she was walking it. I'll take my victories where I can though ! Hee hee hee !

Fun run ? Surely not !

Occurring in the 'momentous things' section of Seraph today - I took part in the Wellington "Round the Bays' run/walk/saunter/swagger/perambulation event.

What is more - I managed to jog the entire thing !

Amazing !

While I realise that 7.2km isn't the run at marathon - it's still pretty impressive considering the mass of flabby gristle I used to be not that long ago. My morning 3.2 hill jogs saw me in good stead as I flew past all manner of octogenarians, small girls and people in wheel-chairs.

Seriously though - I was pretty pleased with myself. I thought I'd be able to keep a jog for most of the way - but I didn't think I'd be able to sustain it for the entire run. I was very surprised ( in that happy kind of way ) when I got to the half-way point and I was still pretty energised ! I even managed to pick up the pace in the last k to beat my race nemesis. BOTH of them.

To explain - As I was running I noticed this pair of young women with the predatory look of seasoned runners. The two kept mocking me by running past at a fair pace, when relaxing and walking - so I would pass them. They did this about five times. In the last k, when they passed me again I thought "That's IT. You're going down, you smug gym-bunny freaks !". I picked up the pace to shadow them with burning myself out - and when they stopped to walk ( as I KNEW they would ) I sped up even more - ensuring that the gap between up would be insurmountable by the time they started running again ! FOOLS ! Too late they saw my devious plan ! Victory was mine !

( Yeah - I KNOW they didn't even notice me as we were running - but that was my little internal narrative that kept me going. )

I finished in under 45 minutes. I'll have to check the transponder times tomorrow and see what I got exactly. Exciting !

And I got a free t-shirt and BBQ meal at Viva's work's corporate enclosure ! It doesn't get better than that.

I'd watch THAT show !

Hey gang! The system shock of going back to work is starting to fade to a consistent throbbing of my frontal lobes, so I'm able to actually write something. Yay for frontal lobe throbage !

The joy of going back to work is being able to talk to like-minded individuals. Well - sorta-minded individuals would be a better term. Anyway - when I got a chance to go and hang out at the staff room for a bit ( I've been doing a lot of catch-up stuff for the school production - auditioning for the parts of TREES for heaven's sake ... you would not BELIEVE the amount of students who expressly WANTED to be fecking TREES ! ) the conversation turned from renovation to the tv show "Mitre 10 Dream Home".

It was generally agreed that said show was a 'feel good' piece of crap - mostly for the reasons that, in the end, BOTH teams actually end up getting the house SOMEHOW. One team wins it - the other team get to borrow enough money to buy it ( at, a pretty sizable reduction it seems ).

What kind of game show it this ? If you're going to have a competition, then there must be a loser ! I'm afraid that the "Dream Home" definition of 'loser' does NOT measure up !

My group of TV consultants have a solution though. On the teams' completion of their entire projects - both houses are rigged up with enough dynamite to level a parking building. When the winner is announced - the losing house is detonated ! EXPLODO ! See their sad little faces ! No retractable ceiling mounted film screen ! Little Billy's room ? Now not so much a room, more a mass of twisted wreckage ! The dream kitchen ? Shattered and smouldering ! The only sounds you hear in the silence that follows are the victory chants of the winners - and the cries and lamentation of the vanquished !

Man - I, for one, would be tuning into that show ! There arn't nearly enough explosions in home renovation programs.

When Harry KILLED Sally...

This is very VERY good.

Funnily enough, it create the feeling of skin-crawling dread I get when I contemplate watching the real thing. Go figure.

Easter ... in February ?

What the hell is going on here ? I'm at the supermarket - they're selling hot cross buns ! I'm at the bakery - they're selling HOT CROSS BUNS !!

When 'holiday' things get hauled out too early it spoils the whole point of having the special holiday thing ! Hot cross buns and Easter eggs get commonplace when they're being sold for almost a quarter of the year ! It's only just freaking February ! Isn't Easter in flipping April ths year ? I get really aggravatedWAAAAAAAAY before the actual date! You shouldn't be allowed to sell hot cross buns OR Easter eggs until it's a month away. Or you should get shot ! In the spleen ! With a ... rabbit!

The same thing goes for people talking about Christmas being mentioned before December! ( only in this case you should be shot FROM a cannon ... into ... the sun ! ).

Grrrr and double grrrrr !

( Mind you - those hot cross buns from Nada bakery taste pretty damn good ! )

This ever happen to you ?

I awoke to a moment of gut-wrenching terror this morning - the assignment I had to have done today was late ! Even worse - I hadn't even started it ! Why had I left it till the last minute ? Why had I done NO study or prep towards it AT ALL ??? It was a maths assignment too ! I'm TERRIBLE at maths ! Panic panic panic ...

Then I stopped. "Wait a cotton picking minute here..."

I wasn't a student in any kind of way, shape or form. I didn't have an assignment to complete - and if I DID have one, no way in hell was it going to be maths.

I had dreamt the whole freaking thing. Cue a moment of sublime relief.

I HATE those cross-over dreams! I put it down to going back to school.

Vague review - Snakes on a Plane

Y'know - I REALLY wanted to like this film. I really really did.

I remember being to angry and frustrated that I was too busy when it was at theatres and couldn't see in on the big screen. I think it's a good thing now - there would have been a repeat of the "Dare Devil" meltdown I suffered, putting life and limb in jeopardy in the greater Wellington region.

Why did so many of my ( seemingly ) rational and ( more so than I ) clued-up-about-films friends say it was good ? Why mama ? Why they make me cry so ?

The only thing I can put it down to is some kind of weird "Emperor's New Clothes" syndrome. The way I figure - the hype for the film made it out to be some kind of z-grade tour-de-force of hilarity, and I think a LOT of people I know invested heavily in that hype, and come hell or high water - it WAS going to be the best motherf**king film OF ALL TIME.

Only it wasn't. It was bollocks.

And no - this is not a matter of taste or perception ! It was a BAAAAAAAAAAAAD film ! Bad bad bad ! Just because it has Samuel L. Jackson is in it and he says 'motherf**ker' a couple of times DOES NOT make a film GOOD.

And NO - it is not a 'brilliantly observed parody of the genre' or even 'fun' !! It is BOLLOCKS ! Great big hairy sweaty mammoth bollocks from the planet Big-Bollocks!

Anyway - when said film revealed it's seriously shitty carapace in all it's glory - I think many of of my highly intelligent and savvy film watching pals simply ignored what they had seen and ( maybe even at a subconscious level ) told themselves that it was indeed a great film.

Dammit - it's not a film ! It's more like some kind of freaky mind-control virus !

Sigh. But in the spirit of of goodwill I hearby offer general forgiveness for all of you who told me this heinous ziggurat of bollocks was worth seeing. I can see it wasn't your fault. It was those marketing guys who made you want it so much. Those guys are such dicks.

If you haven't seen it yet - just put that DVD case BAAAAAACK on the shelf SLOOOOOWY, walk over to the other side of the shop and rent something else. You'll be doing the right thing.

2 out of 10.

The cautionary tale of the hand-towel holder

I am not the most handy of people in terms of fixing things.

I try though.

Halfway though last year the metal ringy thingy of the hand towel holder in our toilet just ... fell off the wall mounting. On closer inspection I saw that the actual screw thread was inside the wall mounted dealy - and that the ring connector had this infuriatingly square hole - meaning you couldn't just shove the ring connector back in and twist.

The wall mount would NOT come off either. It was fixed to the wall quite snugly.

"How the hell are you supposed to fix this without hacking it off the wall?" I asked myself. "There's no way! Who would make something THIS impractical ?" I mused.

For the next few months we had the hand towel on the windowsill. It would mock me, silently.

"Wow Seraph - you are REALLY useful around here. You can't get little'ole me to hang in my rightful place on the wall ..." and such.

Finally I could bear it's silent accusations no longer. I swore that by sunset that day - come hell or high water - the hand towel holder would be fixed. I'd show that freaking inanimate object a thing or two !

Looking at the wall mount more closely - I could see some sort of plastic housing around the screws holding it onto the wall. "Ah-HA! The PLASTIC is keeping this thing from coming lose ! The thread for the screw is OBVIOUSLY behind the fitting - all I need to do is cut the plastic !"

Out came the industrial craft-blade - and I attacked the plastic coating like some sort of demented axe-man.

A good half hour and two sliced fingers later ( left thumb, right index ) when I was sure I had cut though the plastic and the wall mount stayed implacably glued to the wall - I decided that drastic situations called for drastic measures. I would have to saw through the screws themselves.

I wrecked the first hacksaw trying to get it off - but the second larger one I used was more fit for the job - and a frustrating job it was, I had to precariously level the mount out as much as I could to wedge the hacksaw blade in the gap - and then use all the skills of a circus contortionist to perform the sawing motion in the enclosed space of the toilet. Many expletives were uttered with increasing fury.

But my patience was rewarded. Another half hour or so I had sliced though the screw, and the mounting fell to the tiled floor of the lav. Now the hole is the tiled wall were bunged up with screws without any kind of surface I could neatly grip onto with my pliers, and were quite securely fixed in the holes by what I could now see were expanding plastic screw housings. I tried for ten - fifteen minutes to grab and pull out the crippled crews with the feeble tools I had, but it was futile.

I trip to the hardware shop was executed - a pair of needle nose pliers, new screws and plastic expanding housings were purchased.

The new pliers worked - though is was still tricky in the enclosed space to pry them out. But out I got them.

Finally - the path to restoring the hand-towel holder was clear. All I had to do was figure out HOW to get the ring back on the mount. There was no screw-head at the back of the holder !! What was going on ? How the hell were you supposed to FIX this fecking thing ??!?

I turned the mount upside down.

There was a tiny screw there. Quite visible. It was obvious. You undid the screw - the outer housing came off the wall - you screwed the ring back on, and attached it back to the wall.

I had taken a good two and a half hours, spent $20, slashed up two of my fingers, and wrecked a perfectly good wall housing which I would have to reattach now - on a situation which should have taken me about 30 seconds to remedy.

I think you could have heard the screams of bitter rage from the south pole.

Still - I'll know what to do next time.

Who is Ginger Tom?

I was round at Jenni's place on Tuesday - planning for our next RP game, a scenario based around a X-Men styled school for superheroes - only we're going to be delinquent punks and the school is going to be more like a brat-camp / last chance before the big house type deal.

As we were planning prospective charaters ( I'm going to play a guy who can turn into various other elements, but also we a touch of regeneration - the guy was trying to get high with his friends, but his regeneration kicked in and processed out the drugs instantly. The guy starts trying stronger and stronger drugs - all with the same result - before being rumbled buying / using / getting-caught-stealing-to-buy heroin ) and the topic of secondary characters came up.

We came up with this guy who calls himself "The Skink", who has fantastic plans for being a superhero - but has NO powers which are useful ( he might have a detachable tail ). A rather sad and melancholy character really - he'll have his costume, his patented 'skink-sycle' and stuff - but ultimately be rather useless.

We were thinking of a possible nemesis for The Skink, and I said something along the lines that it should be a cat ( thinking of how much Shadow likes to catch skinks, put them on the slippery tiles, and watch them try and run away ). Jenni mentioned the name "Ginger Tom". That really struck a cord with me - it was such a good name ! Not in a superhero sense perhaps, but it's a great name for a character.

I've been trying to work out who Ginger Tom could be. So far I think he might be some kind of sky-pirate in a kind of techno-magic steam-punk styled fantasy setting. I can imagine him swinging from the rigging of his corvette-blimp, a pair of flintlock pistols slung low on his belt, a weathered fencing blade at his hip. He has a strange perchant for high tea and is trying to work out why his new design for attack kites is failing so badly. His first mate is a Moor, on the run from Sorcerers in the East. I think at least one member of his crew is a robot - probably clockwork. He's the kind of guy I think I could come up with a story about !

Does the name mean anything to you ? Who do you think Ginger Tom is ?

The Northland Holiday Top Ten !

Back home again ! It’s always nice to go away – but I think I’m very much a home body. It’s always really nice to come home and be in my own space again. I missed the cat ! Kudos to Hix – who yet again helped us out big time by watching the place and taking care of Shadow.

Here’s Seraph’s Top Ten of our holiday ‘up North’ :

10. Cape Reianga

I guess it was about time that I got here. It seems to be some sort of semi-NZ-rite-of-passage to have been here at least once. And once is ALL it’s going to be too. I wish I could say that I had some massive kind of spiritual experience here ( I wanted to ! ) – but no. The land ran out … and there was a lighthouse. It was interesting to learn that the lighthouse is controlled by a computer system in Wellington. Weird – you think it would be somewhere closer, wouldn’t you ?

9. Uninterrupted reading

It was nice to kick back and read for a good long while – and we had one rainy days where that was ALL we could do really. My one word review of what I got though :

“The Damnnation Game” – Clive Barker - BLEARGH !

“Raven’s Gate” - Anthony Horowitz - **shiver!**

Tom Strong book 4 – Alan Moore - Awesome !

Girl Genius book 4 – Phil Foglio - Hmmmm.

“Shadow of the Hedgemon” O S Card - Cool.

8. Body surfing

It’s always neat to get to do this – even if you do get a cubic foot of sand and grit rammed into your nether-regions when you get dumped into the shore at the end. It builds character !

7. White water rafting

Even though the other losers on my raft ( excluding my good wife, naturally ! ) couldn’t row to save their worthless lives, causing our raft to flip on the seven meter waterfall drop – it was great fun and I’d do it again in a second. Just get me a decent crew who know what “go in time” means !

6. “The Excitor” boat ride

The sea bound version of a roller coaster. A stupidly powerful jet powered thing, which went VERY fast indeed. My face hurt from grinning so much afterwards.

5. Buffet BBQ

OMG. This was a meal we had at a hotel on the way back. So much BBQ … **slaver**…

It wasn’t good for me losing weight … but screw it, it was fan-freaking-tastic !

4. Bacon !

I think I ate more bacon for breakfast in the ten days of my holiday that I had eaten in the previous ten months. I’m pretty sure I could eat my own body weight in bacon if I gave it a good enough try.

3. Diving board action !

We went for a swim at the local high school pool while we were in Kerikeri. They had a diving pool ! Cue Seraph spending a good hour launching himself merrily from them, making it to various levels of the stratosphere ! I wasn’t game for the REALLY big one though ( it must have been 10 meters or so ). My sense of self preservation wasn’t THAT dulled !

2. Sand surfing !

Near Cape R. there are these truly behemoth sized sand dunes – and you can surf down them on boogie-boards. Totally insane. I managed to go down the REALLY big dunes three times – it was flipping SERIOUSLY hard work getting up them ! Viva almost made herself sick getting up the first time ! Yeesh !

Well worth the effort though.

1. Seeing Nine.

‘Nine’ is a very good friend of mine that I have known since standard 4. He lives in Auckland now and I don’t get to see him as often as I used to – in fact, I hadn’t seen him since my wedding. It was really cool to hang out and talk bollocks like the old days.

So there you go ! There were loads of other good things – but they were to top ten as they came to me. Obviously just spending time with Viva was the real joy of going on holiday … but I AM glad to be home. ;)

On the road

The roadtrip, so far, goes well.

Right now I'm in an internet cafe in Kerikeri, Northland. It's quite nice here - though it wasn't so nice when we freaking arrived - talk about rain ! Biblical deluge, more like ! Sigh. Still - got to do som ereading, which was nice ( though I wouldn't bother with Clive Barker's "The Damnation Game" if I were you - it's fairly pants ).

Roturua was fun. Viva and I went zorbing ( big plastic balls you go inside and roll down a hill ) - which WAS fun - but pretty expensive for the actual time you get to roll inside the ball. We also went white-water rafting - which was pretty cool, even though we did flip our raft on a seven meter waterfall. That was more fun than it sounds - though I was moderately concerned for my life for a few moments.

Yesterday, seeing as the sun was out for a change, we went for a 'swim-with-the-dolphins" tour - though they couldn't find any dolphins. Stupid dolphins ... think they're so cool ...
We also went to Russel - the first capital of NZ ( for all of about 5 minutes or so ) which was a nice place. Went for a swim on the beach - amazed ( again ) at how white most of me is ( I almost freaking glow ! ) and how much grit you can work into just about every part of your body when you body surf.

Today - the EXCITOR boat ride though the 'hole in the rock' ( I'm assuming it's some sort of hole in a rock ... but I've been wrong before ) and maybe checking out Waitangi ( which would be pretty neat ). Later in the week - the top of the county baby !

Better be going - I think my time on this thing is running out ...

More when I next make it to a computer with internet access !

Vague review – various things

Well – a happy new year to you ! What’s that …? Oh – the rather extended time since I updated last. Yes – quite. You know how things get over the xmas break though don’t you ? I mean – it’s not TOTALLY because I’ve just been slobbing around the house !

Here are some reviews of things :

Christmas

Very nice thank you ! BBQ at my parents place on xmas eve, hanging out with my folks and seeing my sister for a time ( even though she got cross at me for nearly wrecking her DVD project because I was trying to check my e-mails – sheesh ! Selfish or what ? :-) ). Xmas lunch with Viva’s clan. Much enjoyment. Loses marks for some lousy weather – but otherwise top notch.

A-

Boxing Day

Not quite the festive games day I had planned. Important lesson learned ( again ) – give people notification WELL in ADVANCE. Still – my good buddy and best man Conrad was there as he is visiting from England. Yay ! Bumps up the score considerably.

B+

New Years Eve

Very nice ! Amazingly enough ! My ‘sedate gathering’ was fun ! A few people turned up even ! ( In ADVANCE Seraph ! ADVANCE !!! ). Learned how to make a few cocktails pretty well – the arcane lore or mixing Pina Colada, Sea-breeze and Mohito and now in my grasp ( if not the arcane lore of how to correctly spell them … ). Got nicely drunk – wasn’t sick or anything. Yay !

A

Holidays

They freaking rule !

A+

Wellington weather

WTF ???? I thought winter finished months ago ? How the hell can it still be getting SO cold ? We had to have the wood fire going no less than three times in the last week. It’s insane ! Thankfully today was nice !

D-

‘Fragile Things’ by Neil Gaiman

His new collection of short stories. As with all collections like this it’s a bit hit and miss. There are some fecking GREAT stories in there, some which are a bit more “Huh???”, if you know what I mean. Overall though – the good stuff is pretty damn good and is well worth a read.

Pesronal fav’s ; “Sunbird”, “Harlequin Valentine”, “Monarch of the Glen”, and, the best of the best – “ A Study in Emerald”, a story which crosses Sherlock Holmes with the mythos of H.P. Lovecraft. I kid you not – it’s freaking amazing.

B+

Eragon – the movie.

In a word – DON’T !

I was REALLY looking forward to this film because I liked the book so much. Man – did they screw it up. The CGI of the dragon is pretty neat, and Jeremy Irons is good, but man-oh-man, the dialogue is TERRIBLE ! Some lines near the end had me almost screaming with the gut-wrenching clichéd horror of it all.

Avoid. Read the book instead. It’s much better. Trust me.

D-

The Prestige - the movie

Not bad. Not quite the movie I was expecting. Had some pretty horrible stuff in it … and while there were some interesting twists and turns in it – they were kinda predictable. Kinda.

Still – I enjoyed it.

B-

Susan Enan - Bring on the Wonder

I heard this song on an ad for the tv show "Bones". You don't hear a lot of it - but I was hooked right then and there. It's a magical piece of music and song. If you like vaguely angsty, melodic female vocal stylings like those of, say, Tori Amos - you should like this one. A big up to the internet too - it's amazing how much you can find out with only one line of the lyrics !

A


Right - enough of the public service from me ! I'm off to enjoy a beer in the sunshine ! Woo-hoo !

Ta-dah !

I have spent the first couple of days of the REAL holidays finishing up the "Little Monsters" painting for Jenni. Here is the finished work -


I took it round to Jenni's right away because it would get too hard for me to give up if I kept it around here ! I really liked it in the end as well, though that's good in a way - as if I DIDN'T like it I'm not sure I'd be too comfortable in saying it was finished. Or in giving it to someone.

Jenni seemed to like it a lot, so that was good. Now - to start work on the painting I promised my sister.

Let's find out who the chapel ghost REALLY is !

This is very very cool indeed. My pal Andrew, who has done some very cool stuff with light in theatre ( projected images and the like ) has made a haunted church ! So cool !

Here is part of the 'official' release :

Andrew Brettell creates critically acclaimed video projections (most recently for the plays Democracy, and Dr Buller’s Birds). He has ‘haunted’ the Futuna Chapel in Karori - with video projections of ghosts and stories from its past.

The chapel will only be haunted for 3 days – this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It’s free admission,

Futuna Chapel is at 62 Friend Street in Karori, and the display goes from 10am to 10pm

Oooo - spooky - the 'official' relase fragment is invisible ! JUST like a ghost !! If you highlight the black void above it will magically reveal the information. JUST like a ghost !!!

Doesn't that sound cool ? I'm going tonight - you should go too ! All the cool kids are going !

Co-ordination issues

It's much nicer NOT to have to write reports all weekend. Sure - yesterday was so freaking freezing we had to start a fire to keep warm, but it did mean that I got to make some forward progress with "Little Monsters" -



The first step was getting some more background colours on. That was actually getting tricky - I guess I should have planned how to spread the colours better so there was more definate balance present, rather than just plowing in with what I thought was "A good idea at the time".
Still - there are no major problems there ( yet ).


I'm not sure about the yellow backing for "The Rascal" there. I think that the gray dragon will get a dark gray backing. I'm really not sure about the pink dragon though. It might have to be a straight white. I've left myself very few options. The only other thing I can think of is purple - but with the Beluga right next to it, there might be too much concentration of purple at that corner. Hmm. No - definately white. I don't want to even think about the springy guy ...

Yellow and red !

Okay - so "Little Monsters" now has some warmer tones with added yellow ( I could have SWORN I had a tube of yellow when I started ... ) -

And also some red -


What I'm really pleased with is the effect I almost accidentally created with the purple colour of the "Beluga" ( bottom left corner ). The previous purple colour was much too dark - so I knocked up another lighter purple, but when I repainted the critter, I left a slight edge of the dark around it. It kind of has a 'glow' to it now - it's hard to explain, but it looks pretty cool.

I think I'll be blacking out some of the areas next - eyes and such. Hopefully it'll give things more definition without deadening the thing. We'll see I guess - it didn't seem to hurt the Stoner none !

Dangerously Obsessive

I feel pretty fortunate that I don’t have any significant physical addictions or compulsions. The closest I get is with video games – and even than I can be pretty good in moderating the amount of time I spend on them ( I’d say the “first term cold turkey” I’ve done for the last few years is a pretty good sign of that – though I AM getting pretty twitchy around Easter ! ).

BUT. I do get odd phases where I suffer from strange obsessions. I get totally fixated on something for awhile. A couple of months ago it was for light-gun games. I HAD to have a light gun ! HAD to ! And I obsessively picked though TradeMe till I got one. Well – two actually. And two games ( see what I mean ? ).

My current obsession is kinda odd – and I’m not entirely sure where it came from. It’s for Blood-Bowl. Right – for those of you without a knowledge of Games-Workshop games, Blood-Bowl is board game, a fantasy ( and that’s swords-and-sorcery fantasy too – not leather and latex styled fantasy ) parody of American football ( and not, literally, a bowl full of blood. That would be icky! ). You have little miniatures of the members of your team and you try and score touch-downs without being horribly maimed. I LOVED Blood-Bowl ! The really cool thing was if you played as part of a continuing league – your players got points based on what they managed to achieve, and eventually you started getting other player skills … oh, it was great !

Because I worked in a games store for a bit, I did manage to pick up quite a few of the miniatures fairly inexpensively, and I have a fairly good range of teams. I can field a team of humans, orcs, undead, wood elves, dark elves, chaos warriors, skaven rat-men and ALMOST a goblin team. Not bad.

It was the miniatures that I really liked – and I always slightly preferred the older 2nd edition figures.

I wandered into a Games-Workshop store* and asked if you could still order the older figures after I didn’t see them in the on-line catalogue. They seemed to think you should be able to – so I was happy.

But no – having done some more research on-line, I find out that a LARGE number have been pulled from production and you can’t get them made anymore ! Gasp !

Good news – I already have the majority of the pulled figures ( well – that I WOULD want anyway ).

Bad news – I find myself with filled with an almost overpowering desire to acquire a 2nd ed skaven team.

These out-of-production figures are coming up on E-Bay, but they can get pretty pricey – especially when they’re for pounds sterling. American dollars are bad enough !

What is interesting is that a new range of figures ( 5th ed ) seem to have been made from last year – which I didn’t know about at all. I didn’t think that BB would still be that popular – looks like I was wrong. The new werewolf looks pretty cool. And they’ve finally got a decent figure for the human star player Griff Oberwald – he no longer looks like a guy with a duck on his head ( and that’s GOTTA be good ! ).

I might try and start up a BB league at school next year. It’s been something I’ve been thinking of doing for awhile now. And if I’m really sneaky – I can tack on a request on student orders and not have to pay for postage ! Hee hee hee !

… Next post I’ll update my “Little Monsters” painting. It won’t be nearly as geeky as this one ! I promise !



*And if I hadn't been rapidly cornered by some scary employee's - I would have ran out soon after. If you ever find you HAVE to go in - don't make eye-contact and pretend you're deaf.

Grinning Black Despair

You know you've spent too long writing school reports when you're tempted to write "JUST F**K OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE YOU B@STARDS !" for every remaining student you have.

77 out of the 96 I have to do done. Only 18 left !

Rapture !

Mind you - then I have to enter all the comments into the freaking electronic markbook ... as well as all the grades I haven't entered yet.

Damn !!!

In other more geeky news - played the BEST game of "Shadows Over Camelot" last night at Jenni and Lee's. Freaking 11 white sword to ONE black ! All the artifacts won ! NO-ONE dead ! I think there may have been under 7 seige engines on the board at the end too. Goddamn - we were so lucky !

Right - I'm going to sit in the sun for a half hour and eat my lunch - before I steel myself to returning to the dungeon of the office and finishing off these thrice cursed reports.

*sob*

Progressinator

Shall we see how "Little Monsters" is progressing ?

Oh all right then ! Seeing as you asked so nicely.

I had it up to this level on Tuesday :

And here is a shot of the painting I just finished not ten minutes ago :


I'm really liking the "Stoner" now that he's pretty much done ( top - second from left ). Now that I actually have some yellow paint, I'll be able to introduce some warmer colours into the mix very soon.

Not that I'll get much painting done this weekend. I thought I had an extra week to complete my school reports - they're actually due Monday. How many have I done ? NONE !

I'm so freaking boned. One very grim and frustrating weekend is coming my way ...

You don't see that everyday

The school where I work is situated in a bit of a military zone. We have a military training camp or some kind pretty much next door, and on another 'next door' side - there is the NZ Joint Forces Command Center. Lots of uniform types walking around - and I'm always laughing at the Navy dudes. Man - what IS it with the Navy and stupid uniforms ? They used to be cool around the 18th - 19th century - hit WW2 and beyond, they look like berks. The air-force generally look pretty cool - the army, y'know, pretty standard army guys. But the Navy - they've got silly white shorts and those dopey round hats ... yeesh.

Anyway - being so close to such military institutes provides a bit of interest around the place. Dudes running around in full camo gear, big ole army trucks crusing about, the odd helicopter landing next door, that kind of thing.

But today there was something different - there was a full-on bomb disposal exercise going on. It was pretty full on too. It was odd - I was walking from the performing arts block to the library ( pretty much the two furtherst points from each other at school ) taking in the limited scenery - and then BAM ! Craziness ! My internal monologue was something like this -

"Clear sky ... hedges rustling in wind ... car, car, SUV, car ... ah-freaking rubbish ! Damn freaking lazy students ! Just WALK the ten seconds to the bin will ya ... car, car ... police car ... police van with lights on .... light tank ... army guys with assault rifles - they look like styres - and full combat gear ... oooo - guys in bomb disposal suits - ha, our ones are BLUE ? The yellow ones on 'Metal Gear Solid 2' looked much better ... weird tent thing ... robotic disposal thingy ... more guys with guns, one is talking on walkie-talky ... APC - I didn't know they mounted machine guns on those ... police car ... officers looking on with clipboards ... car ... car ... more rubbish - jeesh, I swear - the amount of RUBBISH I have to pick up round here ... library !"

I REALLY wanted to shout out "Cut the BLUE wire ! It's ALWAYS the blue wire !" - but I figured they wouldn't really appreciate it. It looked like they were taking things pretty seriously.

You don't want to piss off guys with guns - that's my philosophy!

Instead of writing ...

So - this is the painting so far. I just spent the evening painting in the light blue bits ( while Viva was busy killing robots and aliens in Ratchet & Clank ). It's starting to come together. I didn't plan for the whole pastel shades thing which is going on so far - but I'm kinda liking it. My writing is taking a bit of a back seat to this right now, though I don't think Jenni is going to be berating me too much for that.

Can YOU spot "The Rascal" ?

They like fruit ?

Poor Shadow. Viva and I noticed that kitty's face was looking a bit weird on Sunday - or weirder than usual anyway. On closer inspection we found that the right side was quite swollen, so we rushed her to the local vet right away.

Shadow does NOT like being in a box - and indeed will start to try and claw her way through the cardboard after not too long, or try to get out of one of the air holes - nose first. So getting her inside her kitty transport was a fun exerise.

The vet took a quick look and said she had an abcess on the inside of her lip. Ouchie. There were a number of pet emergicies that particular Sunday, so the vet couldn't do a 'drain and clean' that day - we had to bring her in the following morning. Which meant that we had to keep her inside overnight. Again - not a fun prospect for a cat used to the freedom offered by a cat door. A LONG night of kitty TRYING to get through her ( locked ) cat door, meeping in puzzlement / frustration and sitting in a sulk in the hallway - staring at the cat door and trying to summon all her psychic power to WILL the door open.
Also - she couldn't eat after 8pm. Another source of misery - Shadow likes to graze from her bowl every now and then. So the mysterious disappearence of her food bowls was insult to injury.

Next morning - had to stuff Shadow back in her box and take her to the vet. It's amazing how bad a animal, without the power of articulate speech, can make you feel about leaving them at the vet.

Her wee operation went fine and she was VERY happy to be back home have her freedom back again. It took a couple of hours for her to have trust in the cat door again.

Now we have a new challenge at kitty mealtimes - antibiotics. We have this liquid stuff we have to force feed her - talk about a performance ! You think we were trying to make her ingest broken glass or something. She was sneaky the first time too - she seemed like she was behaving and let me prise open her mouth without too much trouble - but as soon as Viva started to squirt the medicine with the eye-dropper, the little bitch deftly twisted her head out of my grasp, dodged the medicine and I ended up with it on my shirt !

We had to wrap her up in a towel this morning. That helped a lot.

The weird thing is that the antibiotics are banana flavoured.

Hmmm.

Yeah - I'm ALWAYS having to dig kitty out of the fruit bowl !

"Bad kitty ! Bad Shadow ! Bananas are HUMAN food ! For HUMANS ! No bananas for kitty ! Here - have this guava instead ..."

Who was the vet who thought that was a good idea ? I'd hate to find out what gorilla antibiotics taste like...

"The Rascal" saves the day !

I'm doing a painting for my friend Jenni. It's going to be another of my 'pop-art' video game ones - this time based on the classic coin-op arcade game Bubble Bobble. If you've never played the game you've really missed out - it was a classic. You controlled a very cute little dragon-thing, and instead of breathing fire, you breathed out ... well ... bubbles. Maybe they knocked back a bottle of dish-wash liquid or something. Anyway - you ensnared these other kinda cute monsters in the bubbles, and while they were trapped inside you had to jump on them and pop them - the monsters then turned into fruit which you ate for more points ...

There really was a great deal of LSD around in the 80's, huh ?

Anyway - I thought that the little monsters would make a good painting. I talked with Jenni about the kind of canvas we could do. Either a square shaped one, which would have a 3x3 grid - having one dragon and all of the main monsters. OR - we could go with a rectangle, which would give me a 3x4 grid, with BOTH of the dragons, all the monsters AND Baron Von Blubba ! The white 'death-whale' thing that comes to eat you if you take too long to clear a stage.

The rectangle seemed the way to go !

However - when I started tracing the monster pixel designs onto the grids ( I had to rule up 12 freaking 18x18 square grids ! Yeesh - that took forever ! ), I discovered I had made a fatal error ! There were only 8 main monsters from the game ! Even with the good Baron AND both Bob and Bub ( the two dragons ) there were only 11 spaces accounted for ! Feck !

Lucky for me I had the trusty internet ! Turns out there WAS one more monster hidden in the game. I had never seen it before - but apparantly he does exist. He was called 'The Rascal' - and he turned up and killed you when you hung around in the hidden treasure rooms too long. He does kinda look like a gherkin with a face and isn't as 'cute' as some of the others - but I guess it is a more true and complete representation of the characters from the game.

I shudder to think...

Ah - NCEA research marking. My year 10 class ( 4th form for all you people who don't know edu-new-speak ) have just completed their submissions and I have started marking.

Here's a nugget of knowledge worth knowing about the NZ gang, The Mongrel Mob :

"They just hang out get drunk stoned and try start fights which sometimes end up with a stabbing or the extremely rear killing"

An extremely REAR killing, you say ? *ouch*

You gotta love spelling errors ( unless you've been telling them ALL FREAKING YEAR to be more careful with their proofreading - then you gotta hate them and drive a Black and Decker cordless drill into their eye-balls ! ).

A beginning ! Of sorts !

I feel my last post was possibly too negative ( and hey - probably childish as well ), so in order to be a little more positive ( and to dwell in a more mental 'happy-place' ) I thought I'd share a piece of creative writing with you.

But also because :

a) Hix said I should try and use my blog to be more creative, or to HONE my creativity. This sounded like a good idea.
b) My crippling 'blog-envy' leads me to think that few people are actually going to read this anyway!
c) It might encourage me to keep on with the story.

It's the start to a story I've had kicking around in my head for awhile. It's hard to describe - but ultimately it's about the war between Angels and Demons, and how both sides employ technology to different ( and questionable ) ends.

It's a first draft - and not very long - but see what you think.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Blade-Ships screamed in towards Harmony 16, low and fast, blur shields masking their already indistinct outlines in the burning sky. Threads of crimson energy lanced down from the orbital defense platforms, desperately trying to lock on to the raiders as they twisted and rolled, their outer hulls seeming to waver and seethe – angry wasps seen through a highway mirage.

Weaving though the suppressing fire from the ground batteries - the odd singularity shell tearing dimension rips, unreality trailing in their wake - the bomb hatches slid open, payloads of Spring Blossoms dropping over the shield dome of the central cathedral. The broad, curving bodies of the petal bombs tumbled slowly, end over end, seeming almost to dance like autumn leaves in their slow decent.

The orbital platforms turrets scrambled into overdrive – lock on the crazily tumbling casing, fire rift cannons, acquire new target. Lock – fire. Lock – fire. The boiling skies raining shafts of searing light, Spring Blossoms caught in the deathly assault bursting apart as their chaos guidance systems ruptured, shards of petal bomb skipping crazily off the arcing city defense screen.

Too many – no way for the central computer cores to anticipate all the potential trajectories, no way to stop all of the chaos weapons.

As the Spring Blossoms entered the energy field of the city shields, their suspended power sinks switched from dormant into active. Gorged on the very power supposed to keep them penetrating last line of Harmony, they suddenly dropped screaming into the empty streets and highways. But there were no explosions, no mushrooming plasma storms, no cataract-whiteness of EMP detonation.

The petal bombs had been specially modified for this particular attack.

Jury-rigged personal shields hummed into activation around the slick crimson casing, scanners swept the surrounding buildings. Satisfied that the next stage could viably be completed –they engaged their inter-dimensional links, silently calling back to the Abyss as the fabric of the D-Bridges generated around them.

The infantry were coming.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It still needs some work and editing ( there are some repetitious wording and clumsy structure that seriously bug me ) - but it's a start. I liked the idea of bombs or missiles using chaos theory to beat a defence system.

Next time I might share the VERY different first-person account of a teacher punching out a student ( yup - based on me and an unfortunately all too real student who I seriously considered decking once ) which is supposed to fit into the same story.

Don't ask me how.

10 Question Quiz B@stards !

Being partially Itallian, I take a particular interest in revenge as a concept. I've never been one to think of revenge as being particularly 'hollow' ... I must say that the moments of revenge I've been able to deal out have been ( usually ) honey sweet.

But then - that's probably BECAUSE of the Italian blood. Revenge is an art-form in that culture.

The reason I'm dwelling on revenge is to do with something that happened this morning. Something small and probably insignificant to most - but something which irked a central tennet of my being.

To put this in context - I very rarely hang out in the staff room of a morning. I'm usually feverishly trying to throw something together for lessons that day ! But - now that the seniors have left ( cue the choir singing "Hallelujah" ) to go on study leave ( read "sit around and play video games / watch day-time soaps / pick nose leave" ... ) I had a little more time up my sleeve that usual. So I thought it might be nice to go and partake of a glass of water with my colleagues.

When I got there the usual gang of like-minded staff I generally 'hang' with were all doing the 10 Question Quiz thing in the Newspaper. As I sat down the "Quizmaster" was asking "Which film features a character saying, in response to the question "What are you rebelling against?", "What have you..."

"Oh - 'Rebel Without a Cause' ! No - wait, it's actually 'The Wild One' " I said happily - pleased to be able to answer a question.

At which point I get verbally savaged by three of the others ! "HEY ! Don't answer a question BEFORE it's finished !", "You're not a REGULAR at this Seraph ! You can't break protocol !" and various other crap. I was pretty shocked - it didn't sound like they were joking. I tried to laugh it off - "Well - I'm that kind of guy ! I break rules !" I replied airly.

"Not these rules you don't !" was the somewhat harsh reply.

"Crap" I thought to myself. Now - teachers CAN be funny about these sort of things. There are weirdo's who have little enclaves where they can be exclusionist and have strange little rules and routines about how things get done ( well - the CLASSROOM would be the first place I guess ... ). I certainly didn't want to be rocking any metaphorical boats - and I did feel kinda bad / embarrassed about it. I got the whole 'hot-blushy-feeling-cheeks-but-not-in-a-remotely-good-way" even.

So then what happens ? The quiz-master starts the next question "What would you do with a Sally Lunn - would you ..."

"YOU'D EAT IT!" say THREE of the bastards all at the same time !

"HEEEEEEEYYYYY !" I interject "What the hell happened to your 'Don't answer until the entire freaking question is read' freaking rule? Didn't you three just break it then and there ?"

"... We're 'charter' members here. We don't have to wait. You're not even a 'provisional' member..."

Sons of miserable running dog BITCHES !!

Okay - I'd fully agree, as one of the freaking 'founding-members' said later on in the day when they discovered that I was still somewhat upset by that, that I'm being like "one of the kids in not letting that go" - but somethings will not be bourne ! Dammit - there is a line in the sand and it has been freaking crossed this day !

I do not know what shape or form my revenge will take - but revenge I shall have for this day's work ...

*grrrr*

In no particular order

I have been very boring and haven't posted anything in over a week. To try and remedy that I present some of the more interesting highlights :

1. Munted my right foot playing soccer with some guys at work.

Yeah - that wasn't fun. I'm not the most sports-abled person I know - I think all those genes went to my much more sporty sister - but in a bid to keep more fit and healthy I've been trying to do more 'active' things. Every friday a bunch of guys from the staff get together after school and play soccer on the astroturf tennis courts. It's fun - in a kind of run-madly-till-you-can't-breathe-and-your-heart-finally-explodes-in-your-chest way.

In the last few minutes I had the change to score a KILLER goal - goal was open, all I had to do was tap-tap-tap it in. Just give it a little ol-tapperoo. What did I do though ? In a fit of excitement at the possible rare glory I would recieve I ran too fast and ended up in the wrong place - I couldn't actually kick the ball at all from where I was ! I twisted around trying to get it - and twisted my ankle / foot in a combo of horrible pain !

Driving home was fun. I couldn't really move all that well that night, my plans for going to the movies were dashed and I had a pretty bad night's sleep. Saturday things were a bit better - I kept it bandaged pretty tight and liberally applied ice ( seeing as I couldn't use ice the Friday night - as Viva had used all the ice trays to freeze lemon juice. Damn. ) and things were pretty good on Sunday - only a slight limp.

Managed a reasonable jog on Monday morning, and though it was a bit twingy today - it didn't keep me from my "stepmaina" dance pads thing morning !

2. Bought a new rain coat / jacket and some new t-shirts and TWO pairs of jeans

Alright - this might seem quite mundane - but considering how much I hate shopping for clothes, I tend to think of it as quite an achievement. Naturally - had to have Viva with me ( in fact - the whole mission was her idea ). I can't clothes shop by myself. Terrible things happen when I clothes shop by myself.

But my new jacket thing is really cool ! And really cheap ! ( Gordon's in Dressmart - that's the place for a kick-arse new jacket at reduced prices !! )

3. Got a replacement 'Egyptian Chronicles" jigsaw from E-Bay.

I've not gotten anything from e-bay for quite awhile now - but it's the place to go if you're looking to find a "buried blueprints" jigsaw. I LOOOOOVE the Buried Blueprint series - but I only discovered them AFTER they had been discontinued ( typically ). I've gotten a lot from trade-me of late.

The "Egyptian Chronicles" one was really cool. I lent it to my mum. My sister "borrowed" it from her. Her cat Iggy proceeded to eat 32 pieces from the 1000 piece set. 32 freaking pieces !!! And not just chewed - totally eaten ! Digested ! No trace left !

Man.

So - my sis said she would replace it, though she didn't seem to be making much headway. I think she got annoyed at me for telling her when copies were surfacing on e-bay - eventaully telling me just to buy one and she'd give me the cash.

Works for me.

4. Discovered the joys of "Spaced"

My pal Hix is going to be shrieking something along the lines of "Why the hell didn't you watch the video I lent you of it TWO YEARS AGO ?". To which I would reply - "Haven't got a clue."

It's a comedy series written in part by Simon Pegg - the guy who wrote "Shaun of the Dead" and starred as the lead role.

It's funny, funny stuff. But I've watched all of the two seasons - and now I'm sad 'cos I don't think there's any more. *sigh*

5. Playing too much of "Lego Star Wars" on the Ps2.

Much more fun than a lego game really should be.

Drop down ! Increase speed ! Change direction !

I know - two posts in ONE day ? Wild man ! But I finally got round to charging the batteries in the digital camera, and I thought I'd show you the set of paintings I finished not too long ago.

So - what do you think, huh ? I really like them ! Even if I do say so myself. I've had the idea for AGES, I just needed to get off my arse and actually paint them ! The top two ( the third tier alien and the mothership ) are a LITTLE adjusted to fit in the canvas space ( I think the alien is a bit taller, and the mothership is definately wider ) but most people wouldn't know that. I've never really done anything quite to "pop art"ish before, though I'd like to do some more video game icons. I've been thinking of a bunch of tiny squares with things from "Centipede" on them ( the mushrooms, the spider, segments of the centipede, that kind of thing ), Pac-Man and some of the ghosts, dudes from Dig-Dug ( maybe being exploded ). I was even thinking of some really retro Commodore 64 things - Paradroid, Impossible Mission, Gribbly's Day Out ... BOULDERDASH !!!!

That would rock a great deal !

So - some art from me. You can't get better than that ! A game review AND art in the SAME day ! Wow.

Shadows Over Camelot – vague review

With birthdays happening recently, I decided to support a friend’s business venture and treat myself ( as you do ) to a new board game or two. It kinda sounds funny to say that you really like playing board games when you’re ( nominally ) an adult – but these aren’t the board games I used to play as a kid ! There are some bloody good ones out there – and they allow a sports-challenged individual like myself to be good and competitive in a more social setting, because above all else – you gotta have people to play against.

So – I got hold of the recently re-released “El Grande” ( a masterpiece of gaming, though maybe not one for the newbies – it can be a bit of a brain-burster ) and this game I’d been hearing a bunch about – “Shadows Over Camelot”. It won the category for “theme game” at this year’s German Game Awards – so that was a good sign, and I had a chat to me pal Jase ( who has a considerable collection of BG’s ) – who said that he enjoyed it a lot. And all the pictures of it I had seen looked so pretty !

I’ve played it twice now – and it IS very good. Though it is also pretty difficult to beat.

Situation is this – you are a Knight of the Round Table ( or – if you end up being Arthur – you’re the King, baby ! ) and Camelot has seen better days. In fact – it would be fair to say that Camelot is looking pretty boned. Lancelot has run off with Guinevere and they are happily shagging their brains out somewhere, the Picts and Saxons are arriving with ominous looking catapults and plans for urban redevelopment, the Grail is STILL missing, Arthur put down Excalibur “only for a minute” and it ended up back in the freaking LAKE, and there’s some guy in black spiky amour down at the tournament lists with a banner saying “Black Knight smash Round Table girly-men!”.

Something MUST be done !

So the knights must undertake a number of quests in order to preserve the might and majesty of the kingdom. Succeeding in a quest ( defeating Lancelot and nicking his amour, finding the Grail, slaying the dragon, etc ) earns you white sword tokens ( among other goodies ), while failing quests ( losing Excalibur to the Lake, getting the bash from the Saxons, getting made into a ‘knight-kebab’ by the Black Knight ) generates black sword tokens. Game ends when there are 12 swords on the round table ( though there are things that can end the game prematurely ). You win if there are more white swords than black. Yup – it’s a co-operative game, so bear in mind everything you learned about that in Sesame Street – it’s going to be important. You ALL win, or you ALL lose.

Each knight has a special ability, and the careful use of them is an important part of achieving victory. Every turn you have is in two phases : “Progression of Evil” and “Heroic Action”. In “Progression of Evil” you have to do one of three pretty bad things – draw a “black card” ( which usually is fairly bad – they increase the odds of losing a quest, though sometimes they are “special” black cards – which REALLY do freaking bad things … ), add a siege engine outside Camelot ( got 12 siege engines ? You LOSE sucker ! Game ends there and then – Camelot and all her hand-crafted charm gets smashed to bits by massive Welsh boulders ! Ha ! ) or sacrifice yourself and take a point of damage to your knight ( did you lose your last life point ? Then you’re DEAD ! Game over for you ! Shame for your family ! There are village idiots Cornwall laughing at you ! Oh no ! ). If you’re still alive and the game’s still on – then you get a heroic action – which is usually playing a “white” card in order to further a quest.

There’s an interesting wrinkle that I haven’t played yet which is “The Traitor” ( dum-dum-DUMMMM!!! ). At the start of the game you shuffle and hand each of the knights a “loyalty” card. Seven of them have “Loyal Knight” on them. One has “Traitor” – get this card, and you’re actually working AGAINST the group, subtly trying to aid the forces of evil and hamper the good. If you get revealed as the traitor ( someone uses a heroic action to accuse you ) you lose a good amount of power to really screw things up, so you want to be sneaky about it. We haven’t been brave enough to play with the possibility of the Traitor yet ! If you’re the Traitor – you win if Camelot falls. If the loyal knights win – it’s oppositesville for the Traitor.

First game was with a group of six. We won – though it was a close run thing. We had taken all three relics ( Grail, Excalibur, Lancelot’s Armor ) fairly early, which really helped. All six knights were alive at the end – thanks to a well timed use of the Grail ( restore a dead knight to 4 life – remove Grail from game ). Afterwards though we found we had misinterpreted one knight’s special power – and were using a MUCH improved version, which I’m sure is one of the main reasons we got the relics so early.
End result – eight white swords to four black.

Second game was with a group of four – which I think made it harder. There weren’t as many knights available to team-up for certain quests. While we got hold of Excalibur and Lancelot’s Armor – we just COULDN’T get out greasy mitts on the freaking Grail ! We came SOOOO close ! But a bad run of “special” black cards really screwed us. I think we had 4-white/6-black on the table ( we couldn’t win – but we were trying to get 6 white swords on the board ) – when one particularly nasty special black card wiped us out. I had already laid down my character’s life ( we had 11 siege engines on the board – I couldn’t risk a card which would to the same thing, and I only had one life point left ! Crap ! ) – and everyone else was left on one life. Someone ( it might have been Viva, it may have been Lee ) drew a “Morgan” card – this one was “All knights lose one life” ( there are five different “Morgan” cards – they all do pretty suckful things ). So everyone was dead – another condition which loses you the game. Knackers!

“Shadows Over Camelot” is certainly an exciting and tense game – even without the Traitor ( the possibility of the Traitor alone is pretty scary ! ). The boards and components are excellent – pretty pictures and great little figurines ( even if the Picts do look a bit like Maori warriors from behind ), and it is a game with a very strong theme. Criticisms so far are that there’s a fair degree of down time in-between your turns ( but the cooperative nature of the game does tend to keep you involved ) and it does seem to get VERY difficult with fewer players. Three is the minimum you can play with – max seven. It’s the best cooperative game I’ve played so far – and triumphs over “Lord of the Rings” because it does actually seem possible to win !

Scores a 7 out of 10 White Doom Rabbits on the Seraphometer at this stage.

Photos from the production - let's see if they work THIS time...

Right - I have learnt ALL about resizing images for the interweb now. Let's see if Blogger is going to let me put the photos on now ...

HEY ! What do ya know ? It worked ! So the problem all along was that I was trying to load on 15megs worth on photos ! Who would have thought it ?

Here we have Dionysus berating his slave, Xanthias, for riding the donkey instead of him. Note the great pastoral scene in the background that I painted.

Dionysus reveals his master plan to Heracles.

The "muscle body" was recycled from a previous Stage Challenge entry on the theme of body image and media. It was a last minute idea of the student playing Heracles - I thought it worked pretty well.

Dionysus is supposed to have a large club - but I forgot to make one - so we used a big wooden hammer.

The chorus - singing the praises of Iacchos. I'm not sure if that's especially kosher at an Anglican school, but what the hell.

I really like this photo. It looks kinda spooky. Especially that guy on the far left. Freaky-deaky.

Right - now here's the real meat of the play - the debate between Euripedes ( on ground, center stage ) and Aeschylus ( seated, on right ). Euripedes is pointing out how Aeschylus' characers ( Niobe, in this case ) take freaking ages to actually SAY anything - they just sit there and look cool.

When WILL you learn about the inherent value of stillness on stage Euripides ?

Nearing the end now. This is where the their poetry gets weighed in order to see who's poetry is best. Apparantly that's on some kinda wacky literary psi scale. Those crazy classical chiton wearing guys ...

I made the scale by cutting corners off a big speaker box and threading in two broom sticks. I got rather lightheaded spraypainting the broom with silver spray-paint. You can't even see the silver colour in the photo ! Knackers.

So - a small taste of the production. A little late perhaps - but better late than me hunting you down and forcing you to ingest molten lead.

And speaking of RE...

Do you own a PS2 ?

If so - good news ! Looks like "Resident Evil 4" - one of the BEST games ever made, is being released on the Patinum range !

If you enjoy action, suspence and shooting Spaniards ( it's okay - they're SORT of zombies ... ) - you owe it to yourself to step into Leon S. Kennedy's shoes once again and freaking deal to some kidnapping cultist scum-bags !

I got this game for my sister for Christmas ( she got me into RE in the early days of the PS ) - but, seeing as this one sorta plays more like a FPS, rather than having the fixed angle views of it predecessors ) it ended up giving her motion sickness and she couldn't really get into it. Pity. But the good news was that she recently said I could have her version ! Yay sis !

So while I might not have to get the Platinum version - you really should !

This comes of playing too much R.E.3

You are in an arena the size of a basket ball court. You are armed with a hefty fire-axe and a Colt Anaconda ( a magnum to you normal people ) which is fully loaded - but you have no more ammunition. Only the six shots.

Which would you fight - a giant hunting spider ( lets say the size of a horse ) or a pack of twenty zombies ( medium level decomposition ) ?

Tricky eh ?

So - the spider would have range and speed over you ( coupled with a nasty leaping ability ) - BUT there's a pretty good chance you could blow it's spider guts out with the magnum without having to go toe to toe ( or toe to chitinous hooks ) with the axe.

Your zombies would be slow ( these would be your average "Day of the Dead" zombies - not your more speedy / savage 'Rage' victims . We do classic zombies here at Death From Above ! ) - but persistant. You might get a good number with the gun - but you'll have to be accurate and get 'em in the head, and you WILL have to go hand to hand with the axe. Not a pleasant thought. You don't want to get surrounded by the shuffling bastards either.

Then - who would you rather be eaten to death by if you lost ? Zombies ? Erk ! Slow and horrible feasting on your body-meats ! Mind you, if they crack your skull open FIRST and eat your throbbing brains as an entree rather than a main - it would be quicker. BUT you'll come back AS a zombie ! Not nice for friends and family !

Giant spider ? Double ERK ! Having your insides dissolved and slurped out of you ? That's unless the thing decides to 'keep you for later' !

Not good either way really.

If forced into aforementioned death-match by a suitably horrible twist-of-fate - I'd have to go with the zombies. While the odds are less favourable that with Senor Spider, I would certainly go into some sort of catatonic fear induced coma when facing a arachnid the size of a horse ! I'd be dead in the water before I even bagan ! And I'm pretty sure I could out-smart a bunch of freaking zombies.

Stupid zombies ... think they're so cool ...

This is the sort of thing that I think about when I have to put stapels in the few dozen mock exam booklets by hand, because I forgot to program that function into the freaking photocopier.

Duh.

"Captain's log ... toot toot, chugga chugga"

So, my sister-in-law’s husband, Dan, tells me the BEST story about my young nephew.

Seems that Dan was watching an episode of Star Trek TOS. It was that classic one where there was that lava creature killing guys ( ***SPOILER*** It was only defending its eggs ***SPOILER END*** ).

Nephew ( 2 yrs old ) looks at the screen, and the Enterprise crew in their groovy federation uniforms, and says :

“Wiggles !”

Ha ! Classic ! Apparently he was a little confused as to why there were multiple "blue" guys. I’d love to see Kirk driving the Big Red Car though! A few photon torpedo launchers, a phaser array, shields and transporters – that Big Red Car would be getting pretty fly.

Can’t wait to see what the kid makes of Imperial Storm troopers.

Wii are not amused

No ! Stupid freaking Sony has delayed the launch of the PS3 in all the PAL territories ! Though not in the flipping US of A or Japan. Fecking typical. Apparently it’s because they don’t have enough ‘blue laser diodes’, whatever the hell they are.

*Sigh*

Oh well – I guess it’s not like I could afford one really anyway. Hopefully it’ll mean there are more decent titles available when it does launch here in March.

I am vaguely tempted by the new Nintendo Wii. Even though it does have the WORST name for a video game system EVER. Cripes man – what the hell possessed them to name it “wii” ?? Okay okay – I’ve heard that it’s supposed to get across the idea of unity and ‘togetherness’ or something, which prompts me to think “Do Nintendo REALLY know they’re target demographic ?”. I can’t think that ideas of unity / togetherness are really all that important to gamers. Well – not that I know of anyway. They should have called it something like “Babe-Magnet 6000”. THAT would appeal to a great many gamers I think. Sure – it won’t WORK as a babe-magnet ( Sony have that whole sing-star thing sewn up … Nintendo aren’t getting in there ! ) but that doesn’t matter. Anything’s gotta be better than something that sounds like urine.

Had an odd take on the system’s name last week at my role-playing game group ( disclaimer - the following conversation has been modified to make things more funny. But it’s pretty much what happened )


Hix – The Wii’s controllers are super-cool.

Seraph – Agreed. Their super-coolness is not in contention. The name, however is bollocks. I mean – ‘wee’ ??!?

Roleplayer X – I’m not calling it that.

Short stunned silence

S – What do you mean ?

RX – I think it’s pronounced differently. You pronounce the “wi” in “wi-fi” like the word “why”. I think that’s how you say “wii”. Like “why”.

Jenni – No. It sounds like “we”.

RX – How do you know that for sure ?

J – The company said so.

S - So did everyone in the world who knows about it.

RX – I still think it’s “why”.

S - … You’re wrong.

RX – You don’t know that.

S – ( trying very hard not to scream, seeing as the group took a joke death threat FAR too seriously last week ) Yes I DO know it. Everyone knows it. The name is “we”. That is its name. It is not “why”. I’m sure we would all like it to actually BE ‘why’. I wonder WHY it is not ‘why’. But, alas, it is not. It is “we”. It sounds like “bee” and “pea”. You can pronounce it “why’ all you like – but that does not make it right. Because you are wrong.

RX … I’m not convinced.

S – ARRRRGGHHHHHHH !

Jenni and Hix proceed hiding cutlery and other sharp or pointed things.


Or something like that.

The controllers ARE very cool though. The things you could do with them … in the demo movie you can use them as a virtual golf club, gun, sword, fishing rod, steering wheel and a bunch of other weird things I don’t have nouns for. And, comparatively, the Wii is pretty cheap. I think it’s around $500 bucks here. The X-Box 360 9s around $700, and the PS3 is going on $1200. So that’s a bonus too.

Still.

“Wee”.

Sheesh.