Ranking Geeks

A friend of mine caught me at some party I was at last year and said to me “I didn’t know you played battletech!”.

He may as well said “I didn’t know you were a dung-eating baby rapist!”

Apparently “Death From Above” is some term for a combat move in the Battletech game ( I think it is where your massive robot war-machine launches itself into the stratosphere and comes hurtling down on an enemy massive robot war-machine, crushing the ever-lovin’ snot out of it ). Had I know this – I would have probably named the blog “Like You Care” ( my original, if somewhat negative, idea ).

Why am I telling you this ? After I had given my friend a chance to explain himself and beg for his life – my mind turned to the hierarchy of geekdom. Which geeks occupy which strata of the geek pecking order ?

It’s something which has kept me thinking on and off for the last few months. I was going to start writing about this ages ago, but one thought stayed my hand.

I’m going to offend just about everyone I know doing that.

It was a problem I wrestled with for a good long time. I rationalize things this way :

1. I will belong to just about every one of the groups and sub-groups.

And, more importantly:

2. Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke !

And so – in the interest of science and furthering the legacy of mankind, I present to you …

SERAPH’S HIERARCHY OF GEEKDOM (v1)

1. Board-Gamers

Coming in at number one and occupying the highest level on the social power level – the board gamers. Board gamers tend to have the most social cross-over of any of the geek pursuits. A good board game will draw in Normals with their intricate shapes-designs-colours, strong and ( usually ) fairly engaging themes and general levels of fun. Show me someone who wouldn’t enjoy a game like “Modern Art”, and I’ll show you a cold-hearted miserly soul who should be committed to an asylum before they ritually murder someone.

Board-Game Geeks are able to engage in lively social discourse while gaming, are fun to be around, generally have excellent levels of presentation and self-grooming. They also tend to great in thinking on their feet, adapting to new situations, and have extensive vocabularies. Board-Game Geeks tend to fit in so well with Normals, they often can be mistaken for them. Normals with only discover their true nature when they attempt a ‘conversion’ – inviting unsuspecting Normals to their houses ( or ‘lairs’ ) where they will wile them with good food, fine wine – and then introduce the idea of ‘just a quick game’ of something. Maybe something disarming like “Settlers of Catan”. The unsuspecting Normal – their senses scrambled, will usually agree. Much like H. Giger’s Alien – the Board-Game Geek with implant it’s egg in the warm head-meats of it’s victim, ensuring the propagation of the species and a new generation of devotees.

The only thing standing in the way of a global New World Order of Board-Game Geeks is the mental block that society introduces at a very early age.

The name of this block is called "Monopoly". The Mental lesions this 'game' ( in fact - it is less of a game and more 'an incitement to riot' and a 'just cause to make blood-kin ingest significant amounts of plastic hotels' ) causes, and the subsequent traumatic scarring generally mean that the Board-Game Geek has their work cut out for them in 'converting' Normals ( even with REALLY good blueberry muffins ), and thus their society is preserved, despite the in-roads that the wily Board-Game Geek has made in recent years.

Board-Game Geeks make top of the list eh ? Who would have thought it ? So - just which group comes in at number 2 ? Stay tuned, gentle reader. Stay tuned.