The Nature of Grudges

I was doing a lot of yard-work today. Much of it was pruning back errant branches of rogue trees. I'm not normally one for work in the great-out-doors, but you know what really makes a difference ? A MP3 player ! I've been listening to audio books and all sorts while I've been waring war on our little section of mother nature. It's been great !

So I was loading new music and sound files onto it this morning before the great attack, and while sifting through my music library, I chanced on 'Under the Pink' by Tori Amos, which I had not listened to for AGES. I started up 'Cornflake Girl' and 'The Wrong Band' and 'Icicle' and 'Yes Anastasia'. Great songs - but it took me back to, oddly enough to a much darker time.

I listened to 'Under the Pink' and 'Little Earthquakes' almost continually after a particularly bad break-up I went though. The songs are now faintly water-marked with that time, even after all these years. Jeesh - how long now ? Dum-de-dum ... over 15 years I think.

One of the worst things about the whole deal was that I had a MAJOR falling out with a friend / flatmate back then. He started going out with said ex-girlfriend within the space of a couple of days. There were great feelings of betrayal folded into the whole stew of the collapsing relationship. It was very bad. I was not a happy guy at that time.

Still, time goes by and tends to heal wounds of these sorts. But while I eventually did the 'forgive - forget' combo with the girl in question, I NEVER did that with the former friend/flatmate.

I have friends who are friends with him, and they have said things to me like 'Hey - that guy, he's a decent bloke !' and 'He's sorry, y'know' and 'It was YEARS ago Seraph ! Let it go !'.

And to be fair - they have various correct points to their arguments.

But they forget some pretty important things about me I think.

First and foremost - I am, no matter how I appear, Italian. And Italians know a thing or two about holding a grudge. Particularly my particular clan. In contrast to some members of my family - I am viewed as being rather too forgiving,
It's a genetic thing. It's not that I particularly WANT to feel the way I feel about the guy But I cannot help it - I feel physically ILL when I am anywhere near the guy. Thankfully, even though I believe he's still kicking around Wellington somewhere, our paths haven't crossed for a few years now - and now the season of 'Stag Nights' have ground to an end, I doubt I'll see him again. I don't think our mutual friends are dumb enough to invite us both to the same events anymore.

And second - some things you just can't forgive. No matter how much you would like to. And yes - it's just as damaging to you as it is to the other person - and you KNOW that, and you still can't.

Sigh. All this from listening to Tori Amos.

I'm not particularly sure when I'm going with any of this - it's just been playing on my mind all day and I felt like saying it.